[about the dance marathon contestants]
Well, isn't that kind of dangerous?
BBBobby Baumgarner, DJ
[into microphone] Hey, that's half the fun!
[Harry just looks at him.]
BBBobby Baumgarner, DJ
[into microphone] I'll shut up now!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
SMSascha Minkoff
You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.
Oh? What happened to him?
SMSascha Minkoff
He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.
[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]
What were you doing?
[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]
[shocked] My god, that would generate forty-eight pounds of pressure per square inch!
SMSascha Minkoff
Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?
JCJudge Casement
Who's Fielding?
I am, Your Honor.
JCJudge Casement
Get your butt up here and state your grievance. [Dan takes the stand.] Briefly, very briefly.
[stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!
[pause]
JCJudge Casement
You may elaborate.
He comes offers me a great job. I should have suspected immediately, but he distracted me with the couch money there. He tells me his partner's son is in jail, makes him sound like an altar boy, so I decided to get him out before some biker starts calling him Baby Cakes. Well, before I find out he's a walking crime wave, it's too late. Honest.
[after his opening statement]
[whispering] How'd I sound?
Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.
[Dan is working at a restaurant under an assumed name.]
You're broke, aren't you?
You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.
Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.
JCJudge Casement
Are you suggesting I'm unfair?
You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and you took as character witnesses people who don't even know me.
JCJudge Casement
They were all women you slept with.
That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.
JCJudge Casement
I'll take that into account. Anything else?
Yes. I would very much like to thank my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.
Beats sitting here listening to Harry.
I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson and Mr. Wood for teaching me a very valuable lesson. You see, all of my life, I wanted to be rich and important like you. As a kid back in Louisiana, I used to wear a necktie while slopping hogs. I would pretend that the miserable beasts were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All these years, I kept dreaming, and then suddenly, I had the opportunity to become one of you. To my own surprise, I said no. Because when I really looked at you for the first time, I realized that you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even any better than the pigs.
Women'll drive you screwy if you don't know how to handle them.
TTony
You've had a lot of experience, Judge?
Me? Me? Women are drawn to men in powerful positions like mine. Drawn. Yeah, if I had a dime for every woman.
You could make a phone call.
Yeah, but it'd be a long phone call.
Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.
Why was that?
V9VHK-937
[in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!
[mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!
[running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?
[deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.
Oh, I can't believe I did such a stupid thing. I got married in an Italian restaurant! What could be more idiotic?!
Well, a chicken-and-waffle joint comes to mind.
I find you guilty of harassment, and might I add, if you're hungry, go to a restaurant, for criminy's sake, or a grocery store, but leave that poor bird alone!
[Cut to the defendant: Wile E. Coyote]
[Christine is in labor in an stuck elevator]
I got a feeling we're getting close to showtime, sir.
Is there room for a person to lie down in there?
A full grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera. [Harry and Roz look at him] Just an estimate.
Help me.
Dan, you really got a sister?
This is true.
But you told us you were an only child.
I wanted the attention.
Gee, big age difference between the two of you.
She was kind of an accident.
Not planned, huh?
No, an accident. I accidentally backed the truck into Papa as he was helping Mama unload the groceries. Nine months later, a blessed event.
Fertile land, that bayou.
What am I supposed to do? I don't even know her. I mean, she was three years old when I left home. I can't relate to her. We have nothing in common.
How about parents?
Oh, sure. Ma and Pa Kettle. Then what? The truth is, I'm ashamed to face her. I was a pretty lousy brother.
Oh, come on, Dan. You couldn't have been that bad.
Christine, my last words to her were, "there is no Santa Claus."
What?!
[patting his shoulder] Of course there is. Don't you listen to him.
Next case—people vs... Ted!
Ted?!
[smugly] Good ol' Ted.
I don't get it. Why are you dressed like that?
Apparently, our former colleague was in the midst of an appendectomy when he was arrested for impersonating a surgeon.
Why would a lawyer want to impersonate a doctor?
Further complications. It seems he's not a lawyer, either.
Not a lawyer?
Not a lawyer?
Not a lawyer?
MIMan in court
Not a lawyer?!
Lisette, could you read that back to me?
LLisette
[in different voices] "Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer?!"
Thank you.
[seeing his sister and Bull in matching bathrobes] Bull? Please, tell me you didn't sleep together.
Heavens, no. We only had sex.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.