Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!
What's the matter, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?
No. It just so happens that the assistant DAs have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.
By total volume or percentage?
Raw tonnage.
What?
Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins $2,000.
Talk about living off the fat of the land.
First case, refusing an order to vacate. [a trio of nuns enter] People versus Sisters Laurie, Mo and Carla.
[a la Curly] Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
Mr. Prosecutor, that will be enough.
[a la Curly] Soitenly!
People versus?
Wagner.
Prostitution?
Positively.
Prosecution?
Pictures.
Objection!
Grounds?
Entrapment.
Ridiculous.
Reason?
Witnesses.
Overruled.
Darn.
Plea?
Guilty.
Motion?
Leniency?
Granted.
Fine?
Fifty.
Finished.
Freebie?
Forget it.
Sir, your new bowling ball is ready.
Oh, swell! [pulls out the ball, painted like a giant eyeball] Ha-ha!
My God, when people see that rolling down the aisle, they're gonna throw up their pretzels.
Hey, judge, I got your suit of armor here, good as new.
Oh, great! Did you get all the goldfish out of it?
Give her hell, Harry!
How are we gonna get the guy a visa?
He cannot have one, ever. I cannot ignore the law and let a possible subversive back into my country.
Oh, come on! We both know he's not a subversive! He's just some poor schlep who wants to go home and visit his mom!
[confused] What is meaning of "sch-lep"?
Well, uh, let's see. Uh... you remember Jimmy Carter?
[Ludmila's eyes widen, and she nods in understanding.]
[after Christine rejects an anonymous love letter.]
Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Bull Shannon: Excuse me, but... aren't you married now?
[Carson furrows his brow.]
I... I don't know.
How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?
I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.
"Oxymoron".
If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.
No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."
"Bitter sweet."
"Free love."
I understand.
Yeah, that's a good one too.
You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.
What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.
Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.
[Cleaver challenges Harry to a battle of pranks, but Harry demurs]
Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!
Where is your pride?
Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.
Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?
It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.
[Harry pops open the briefcase and peeks inside... and a spring hand pops out, hitting him in the face with a pie. Harry looks up, and slowly rises to his feet, his face still covered with whipped cream]
I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!
[cheering]
Cleaver, you may be younger, you may be faster, you may even be smarter. But you will never, ever be crazier... than ME!
[as everyone opens their presents]
[gasps] My God! It's a Rolex.
Read the inscription.
"Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as a friend."
[To everyone's confusion, he drops the watch into his water glass, covers the glass with his hand and shakes it briskly, then pulls the watch out and checks the action.]
[gasps again] It's real!
You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.
It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.
Get out!
No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...
Like going to the bathroom. [stares from everyone] ...What?
[Harry bribes a messenger boy to sing a regular telegram]
[to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat] "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay."
[reading] "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene."
[singing] Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
