Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.
Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?
About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.
[Dan and Dr. Townsend find Roz, delirious from not taking her insulin, sitting on the edge of the roof]
Hey, what are you two doing up here? [looks over the edge] But then again, what the hell am I doing up here? [laughs]
The paramedics are on their way. In the meantime, they told us not to do anything that might upset her.
That's right. Otherwise it's one small step for Roz... one giant splat for mankind! [laughs]
Too risky. I think our only prudent course is open gunplay.
Listen, fathead, the one thing we don't need is to have some trigger-happy lunatic in charge!
[into phone]
No, no, Mr. President, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm sure you do get that kind of thing all the time.
Get this straight, Fielding: I-don't-like-you. You're nauseating, your hair looks stupid, and you smell like Vaseline. Frankly, an evening with you would be about as much fun as draining a prostate infection.
[unperturbed] I guar-ahn-tee it.
[The courthouse boiler has broken down, and everyone is trying to stay warm.]
Hey! Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?
What's the big deal? You stick Tab A into Slot B, who can't do that?
[a prostitute] You'd be surprised.
[Bull is wheeled in, frozen solid after being trapped under a falling snowbank.]
Maybe... maybe we should rub him and try to get circulation going.
Wrong, exactly wrong! You do that and he'll be shedding skin faster than a frog on a cheese grater!
Are you sure?
You don't spend twelve years on the street without learning how to deal with exposure.
What do we do?
First we strip him!
[contemplates Bull] Oh, mercy...
All right, now if this works, this whole train track becomes a giant heating element.
Where did you learn all this fancy wiring stuff?
Blowing safes.
Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?
[distracted] Just a second, Len, I'll be with you in a moment...
[Ernie handcuffs a briefcase to Dan's wrist.]
Hey, what the hell is this?
It's a bomb, Dan!
[he opens the briefcase, showing it's full of dynamite. Dan gasps.]
It's going off in thirty minutes.
[Dan gasps again.]
[holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.
[Dan gasps twice.]
You saved me by convincing him I was a... worthless, degenerate, piece of human... trash.
[everyone waits]
DRINKS ARE ON ME!
The man is proud of it.
Tell you one thing he's not very proud of: his name. You know he changed it?
Oh, yeah. We met his parents, we know his name used to be Ellmore.
Oh, not just his last name, his first name too.
You mean's Dan's name isn't "Dan"?
No, it's...
Uh, Ernie? Pal, buddy, friend? [makes a slashing motion across his neck]
[smiles] ...Reinhold.
"Reinhold"?
[N.B. Dan's real name was actually revealed in the Season 3 finale, "Hurricane: Part 2", a reference to Reinhold Weege, the show's creator.]
[a group of circus geeks has been brought in for alleged lewd conduct; after hearing the facts of the case]
Mrs. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge...
[motioning "one second," he ducks his head under the bench and laughs hysterically; then he re-appears, perfectly sober]
Nevertheless... I don't really see where any law has been broken.
You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.
In other words, you had a great time.
The best! We stop at Great Sal's Ball Throw and Lithuanian Deli. I throw the balls and win this ring. And I say to your mother, just kidding, "I think this means we should get married." And your mother gets this funny look on her face, and says... "I'd love to."
When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus was real. But when I got older, she told me he wasn't. One book says Jesus is real; one book says he isn't. We're living in the greatest country in the world...! And we're murdering each other in the streets. What did they expect when they made us believe in the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny... and then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with? Hey-diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle... is a lie like all the rest. The astronauts killed the Man in the Moon. Growing up took care of the rest.
What is it, Buddy? What is it about you that makes you so special? Why do people who are alone, and-and sad, they feel better just 'cause you're around? What is it?
[thinks a moment] Love... caring...
[in unison] ...and a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene with regular professional care.
[They grin at each other.]
[reading her invitation] "Lords and Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair commemorating the sixth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Diana." [sarcastic] Par-ty!
Listen to me, we're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling!
No, you listen to me, Dan. Miss Sullivan is our friend, and if that means that occasionally, she'd like us all to get together, then we should do so cheerfully...! Even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.
[Christine is furious to hear that Harry is forcing everyone to attend her party.]
[sympathetically] Poor thing. She's probably too upset to even have the party now.
Not a chance.
Damn!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
