Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Gary Fenton awakens after being knocked out. The first thing he sees is Bull's face, closely observing him.]
[creepy voice] We've been waiting for you, Mr. Fenton.
[Fenton cries out and faints. Bull looks up, puzzled.]
[normal voice] Boy, he looks like he just saw a ghost.
Come back in here, Dan.
No!
[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]
You can't stay out there forever, Dan.
Why not? I've got a great view of the park, fresh air... [looks at the pigeon perched on his shoulder] Fresh poultry.
Bull?
Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?
Yes!
Gooooooood.
[He seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside.]
Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.
[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]
Bull!
Mind if I smoke?
Doctor, is he all right?
That depends. What did he look like before?
Just like that.
Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.
Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.
Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.
But I'm feeling much better now.
Really? You look dead on your feet.
[He laughs; glares from everyone]
Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?
It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt. With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French-kissing a light socket.
No, that feels different.
[Harry, Dan, Mac, and Bull track Roz and Christine to a male strip club, worrying that the place is too rough for Christine.]
Any sign of Christine?
[craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.
[At second glance, the "crazy bimbo" turns out to be Christine, playing a snake-charming tune on a kazoo while "Sinbad the Snake Charmer" dances onstage.]
Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!
You doing anything tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night? No.
You ever see tag-team mud wrestling on cable TV?
Oh, Roz, I really don't like to watch those things.
Who said anything about watching?
...WE'LL KICK THEIR BUTTS!
This thing is gonna be the centerpiece of my magic act. I'm gonna play a trick, so incredible, so amazing, it will boggle the human mind!
[Dan enters the office, inadvertently concealing Harry behind the door.]
Could we...? [sees the safe and laughs] Oh, don't tell me that melon head is going to do the old "escape from the safe" trick.
[rounds the door] The produce in question is right here, Dan.
[feigning excitement] Oh, you mean you're gonna be inside the safe! Oh, and it's gonna be locked and everything! Ooh, thrilling, sir.
How'd you like to make a hundred dollars?
I'd rather sit on a blender.
[holds up contract] All you gotta do is sign this.
Listen, pal, I don't know who you are, but why don't you take your...
Oh, I'm known by many names: Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan... although it says "Stu Blumberg" on my license. But enough about me. Let's talk about you, and what you could do with one of these.
[He holds up the hundred dollar bill. Dan glances at a prostitute with a Mardi Gras mask.]
Get four of those.
Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.
All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.
When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."
Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...
SEVEN HOURS?
[Mr. Shibata bows; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower.]
My God, man, how do you do it?
[thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!
[to stenographer] You got that? [she nods]
How the hell do you lose a dead body?
He outsmarted me, sir.
I don't think any further explanation is necessary.
Drives you crazy, doesn't it? So near, yet so far...
Wait a minute, is that what you're up to? You're gonna taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?
Call it a hobby. Remember: one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees!
[He exits]
[muttering] Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you little...
Mr. Fielding, can I ask you a question?
Certainly, young lady, anything.
[sultry] Did you know I'm double-jointed?
[high-pitched] Really?
Wanna see?
Yes... [slaps himself] No! Yes... [slaps himself again] No!
[regarding Dan's impotence] Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.
Such as?
[as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well...The Little Engine That Could.
[At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo.]
You wanna call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, listen, I will admit that I couldn't afford some snooty Ivy League education. You know, but when you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something more: a fighting sow belly has to work for what he wants, can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know what? I live the law every day. In the courthouses and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I get home at night. But that's the way I like it. [building] That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady, nobody can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law. [throws off his jacket] Or for that matter, anywhere else!
You mean...?
[yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!
[to Christine] Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill? [laughs]
Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy remarks.
Ooh, a filly with spirit! Looks like you need a Rough Rider! [laughs]
Watch it. I speak softly but I carry a big knee.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
