Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?
Hold it a sec.
[He and Harry close their eyes and lean back their heads, smiling blissfully.]
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
First case sir, People vs. Trixie Dubois. She's charged with prostitution.
Mr. Prosecutor?
Ah yes, sir, familiar story: boy meets girl, girl asks for a C-note, boy flashes badge, girl offers discount, boy busts girl.
Ain't love grand?
Uh-huh.
[Christine, Harry, and Bull storm into Thursby's office]
Thursby, you're scum!
ATArthur Thursby
[into phone] You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly just dropped by.
ATArthur Thursby
You're insane!
They called me mad at the university!
Listen, pal, you can't make me pay for something I didn't do!
PPPete Petey Peterson
But, Danny, I have affidavits on you from half the women in this town! And, may I add, you photograph quite well...
Yeah, you just prove that's me behind that mask.
PPPete Petey Peterson
If you refuse to settle, you force me to launch a vicious, no-holds-barred smear campaign.
Listen, buddy, nobody drags Dan Fielding through the mud!
[looking through the photos] Not according to Action Photo Number Five, Dan.
[swearing in a group of new citizens]
You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...
[confused murmur]
Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?
[more confused murmuring]
Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!
CClinton
I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's kidding?
It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.
VVega
God, he's good!
[on a busy night at the hospital, a podiatrist is sent to Mac and Quon Le's hospital room, while she is in labor]
DADoctor Aidleman
Good lord, this woman is pregnant!
Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before?
DADoctor Aidleman
[sarcastic] Well, just how many people who aren't obstetricians have?
[raised hands from Christine, Harry, Mac, Bull, and Dan (a reference to Season Three's "Hurricane: Part 2")]
DADoctor Aidleman
What are you? Some kind of a cult?
Dan's still trying to put on a good face for the Mayor's judicial selection committee.
Yesterday he actually taught a civics class at an orphanage. Can you picture Dan in a roomful of little kids?
Yeah. Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money...
BWBob Wheeler
Hello, it's us.
Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?
They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
509?
Uh-huh.
B?
Yep.
I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.
Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
So all the would-be chicks are now...
Quiche, yes sir.
[Dan is throwing a tantrum over being passed over for a judicial appointment.]
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job!
Dan...
[to the courtroom] All right, who wants to share gas to Florida? Show yourself now!
[A flasher stands up and, taking Dan literally, opens his trench coat. Dan mulls it over for a second.]
...Okay, but you gotta ride in the back.
Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.
Gangway!
[Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up and rushes to the exit.]
BWBob Wheeler
Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.
There's got to be a way to get your job back!
Like what? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?
[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]
FMr. Fengler
Please, let me go! Let me out of here!
Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.
FMr. Fengler
You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!
Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!
[everyone stares at her]
I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?
Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.
FMr. Fengler
I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.
Oh, you poor thing!
Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the shotgun he had with him!
You had a shotgun?
FMr. Fengler
A little one.
The term is "sawed-off"!
[Koenig knocks on Harry's door]
[sing-song] Who is it?
KMr. Koenig
[sarcastically sing-song] It's the landlord!
[still sing-song] Just a minute!
[There is an explosion from inside Harry's apartment. Harry comes out, his face black with soot, and coughs out a cloud of smoke]
[polite] Yes?
KMr. Koenig
I want you and your exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops!
Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months rent, and a substantial security deposit, so if you want me out that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during which time you're not gonna see a penny of rent, and when it finally goes to trial, I'm gonna testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a torrid love affair.
[He leans forward and pecks Mr. Koenig on the nose, takes his package from Koenig's stunned hand, and exits into his apartment.]
Are you out of your mind?! I could go to jail for impersonating a judge!
Hey, it's on the phone! Nobody's gonna know.
Why me?
Well... because it's sneaky, and underhanded, and deceitful(?)
[nods] ...Nobody does it better.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.