Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take Dan Fielding to the morgue.
[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake.]
He's just here for a minor operation.
[smiles] I'll check back later.
Yeah, over my dead body.
It's a date!
Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.
Your Honor, would you please this man I'm not a pervert?
[starts to speak, but turns back] How are we defining pervert?
Sir!
Look, folks. Pervert, prude! It's not my job to label people. Wait a minute... [pulls out toe-tag] I guess it is! [laughs]
I don't have a life, Harry. I have a lifestyle. Do you know how many women I have slept with?
It doesn't matter how many women you've slept with! [pause] More than a hundred?
You know the slogan under the Golden Arches? "Over four billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive. And out of all of them, not one of them ever said, "I love you."
[the defendants are an elderly couple who have been disturbing the police by having sex in their own apartment, very often, and very loudly]
I don't mean to pry, Mr. MacNulty, but why are you so loud during these romantic interludes?
[cupping a hand to his ear] What?
...And when the police arrived, Mr. MacNulty attacked the arresting officers.
He was merely protecting his wife!
Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.
My Louisville slugger.
[tilting his head] What?
SHE SAID SHE LIKES YOUR BAT!
[on Dan] Is he always such a boot-licker?
Shinola is Dan's favorite flavor.
[Dan and Roz are trapped in an elevator with two sumo wrestlers]
Don't let on. I have a pack of C-H-U-C-K-L-E-S.
Chuckles?! [They corner Dan] Chuckles?!
No way, Porky! These are mine. [One wrestler speaks angry Japanese] What do you think he's saying?
I don't know, but I think it's something about singing soprano in the Vienna Boys' Choir.
So you really think you're gonna be responsible for everything that happens next year?
I'm gonna make ABC the number-one network again!
[bangs gavel] Held over for psychiatric.
Stop by the prison sometime, Judge. I'd love to...
Drop me in a hole with a psycho killer for about an hour?
Is Thursday good for you?
[Harry lifts his hand and fire flashes between his fingers. Gerard takes a step back.]
Fine.
[enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
Not to me, it doesn't!
Dan, what happened?
They rejected me.
Many are called, but few are frozen.
They rejected you? Why?
His sperm is slow and immature.
[fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
[excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]
Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
Which are?
Sixty million per cc.
I demand a recount!
You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
...What time is it now?
It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
...From sex?
...Dan?
I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.
I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date...
[He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria.]
Run for your lives, girls!
[All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively.]
Better safe than sorry, guys!
[All males flee.]
Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."
Why, you lying...!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Dying words"? Is Dad dead?
Dan As a kipper on a cracker! [shocked looks] I'm sorry to say.
Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.
He is, Your Honor.
[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk.]
This is Mr. Huebner.
Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.
Your Honor, the Hubner sisters are waiting to see you.
Herb's kids? What do they want?
Apparently they settled their differences and had some kind of reconciliation.
So what about the ashes?
They say whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.
[picks up the urn] Oh. Well, okay. I hadn't really... [opens the urn] Hey, this thing's empty!
Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.
Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!
[they look over and see Dan standing at the coffee maker, his mug frozen against his lips]
[deadpan] Quite a day today.
[deadpan] Yep, quite a day. We almost had a wedding here.
Yep, almost. But we didn't.
[They sit impassively for a moment, then make Harry's "crazy" face at each other.]
What have we got left, Mac?
Last case, felony drunk driving, sir.
Felony! All we gotta do is turn that over to the grand jury. We could still make it!
I'm afraid not, Your Honor. My client refuses to waive the reading of the information.
[grabbing defendant's jacket] You what?!
We never do that.
But the formal charge goes on and on and on.
Unfortunately, word got out that anyone not arraigned before midnight was set free.
We were so close.
Oh, well, that's it. We're finished.
[takes charge from bench] No, we're not. Not as long as I got a chance to sleep with Matilda the Hun, we're not. Hold on. [takes a deep breath and reads rapidly as an onscreen clock hits 11:59:11 PM] "Count one: The undersigned declared in complaint states without prejudice the city did inform the police department of such information that they prepared a police statement upon November 11, 1986, in the public judicial city of New York, New York state of a prima violation of 23152 of the New York Vehicle Municipal Code that the defendant did willfully and unlawfully, while under the influence of alcoholic beverage, intended to drive the vehicle. Count two: Further, there is a separated complaint being of different cause but of the same class to answer the character of the information being set forth the court prepared in complaint and setting forth the information that the police had the information and belief saying that the state and judicial city of New York, in the state of New York in violation of 23152 of the vehicle code, a misdemeanor was committed when the defendant did willfully and unlawfully while 1.0% or more blood weight of alcohol did drive the vehicle." The end! [Finished at 11:59:40 PM. Harry and Mac are shocked, Christine is impressed] My god, man, gavel!
Oh, yeah, yeah. Held over for a grand jury! Court adjourned! [Bangs gavel at 11:59:59 PM]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
