And $9 for that drink. Look, everybody just calm down. Andy, you may or may not have given her herpes. She may or may not be overreacting. I may or may not have slept with that bartender. He is my type, and yet, he has a job, so he's not. And he... goes in the "Maybes."
What do we do, Max? I don't wanna offend him. We need that extra money for Chestnut. This is the oldest tale in the book—a woman forced to trade her body to get her child shoes. It's Shakespearean, it's Dickensian, it's Kardashian!
Look at the bright side. You already thought he was sexy, so you were probably gonna sleep with him eventually. And now that he's married, you know he won't cheat on you with somebody else because you're that somebody else. You a side bitch!
Give me your phone. You need to remind yourself of the person your father used to be. Look, here he is working with UNICEF. And here he is water-skiing on Lake Rich Person. Look at that smile. Is that the smile of— Hold up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's coming out of the left leg of his swim shorts? I think your father's junk is trying to tell me there's gonna be six more weeks of winter.
Hey, you know, they'll probably come to you one day and want a tell-all book. Remember, we already have chapter one, "Sleep Farts." Chapter two: "My New Stepmom Max."
Don't think of it like that, he's not just in prison. He's in Africa working with UNICEF, he's in Haiti, he's water-skiing on Lake Rich Person, and he's on the desktop of my computer.
Anything new? Let's see, well... Facebook went public and Edward Snowden went private. Kim and Kanye had a baby, so now there's another Kardashian to not keep up with. Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in, and a teacher in California's out for letting her students get it in. Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run, Chris Brown got a hit-and-run, Rihanna got hit and still didn't run. Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus gave Michael Douglas throat cancer, and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere another excuse not to do that. Egypt went crazy, Amanda Bynes went crazier, and the NSA checks our phones like a crazy ex-girlfriend. Oh, and Texas hates women, Florida hates blacks, and everybody hates everything with the exception of Angelina Jolie, who is totally awesome.
Chiandra, it's a phone, not Bruno Mars. [picks up phone] Oh, "Texting is easy with the new finger-friendly keyboard." My fingers are already too friendly, ask my fourth-grade boyfriend.
Okay, well, in America, it's a half-croissant, half-doughnut. They're on the news, Twitter, Instagram. People can't stop talking about them. If cronuts had tongues, they'd be the Miley Cyrus of pastries.
[seeing the line for cronuts] All this is for a croissant and a doughnut? Those things already existed! Where was all the fanfare when I combined the sleeping pill with the morning-after pill and called it the "sleep-through-the-morning-after" pill?
