Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[after Andy walks by the shop] Did you just openly wave to my ex-boyfriend?
Yeah, I always wave at him. He didn't die just because you stopped letting him touch your boobies.
Well, I don't wave to the guy at the record shop that you had sex with.
I had sex with the guy at the record shop?! I should keep a diary.
Oh, God, he's coming back. See what you started with your wave?
I'm sorry, my hand is friendly. Ask any guy in high school.
Max, I just hung up from a very panicked phone call, and you'll never believe what happened.
The guy from the record store called to say I have super gonorrhea?
You actually think a guy that you don't even remember called to tell me that you have super gonorrhea?
Yes, that's how tired I am. Are you gonna make me wait forever? Do I have it or not?
It's not super gonorrhea, but it is super bad news. This woman just called to confirm her order for 1,000 cupcakes for tomorrow. I've been so tired, I completely forgot.
I'd rather have super gonorrhea!
Hey, Max. Is today the day we're gonna get married?
Sure, Amir. 'Cause my dream in life is to be detained for four hours on our honeymoon flight.
Max, you do know I was born in this country, right?
You were born here? How old are you? About Zero Dark Thirty?
Yeah, and, uh, you were born in a Walmart, right?
Where do you think the expression "Clean up on aisle 12" comes from?
Come, sit, ruminate on your wishes and dreams.
Well, my wish is that you give my friend her money back, and my dream is that I'm a backup dancer for Missy Elliott.
Girls, I have made a big decision.
You're having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Han—female-to-male is very tricky.
Well, you would know.
Meow! He must have already started on the hormones.
Now, here's my big decision. We're moving from those icky glass ketchup bottles to modern, new squeeze bottles.
Wow, that is some fresh, outside-the-box thinking.
It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76.
That's right. Call me Han Jobs.
Oh, I will only call you Han Jobs.
[Caroline hadn't seen Max since she left with a guy the night before]
Max, thank God, I was so worried. Wait, why do you look extra pretty?
Probably the new shades I didn't pay for. Or the hours of him going Downton on my Abbey.
Hold up. No spoilers, I haven't started season three yet.
Earl, you watch that show?
Yes, I do. I enjoy any show where the help is white.
Dude, you should come to the '90s trivia contest every Monday at the Bar Bar. You could win, like, big money.
Yeah, and then I could pay for the lobotomy I'd need to forget that I ever participated in a hipster contest in a bar.
How are we gonna get 1,000 extra dollars by Monday? Wait, Max, we can go to that bar and exploit your special gifts.
If I have to strip, I have to strip.
Not that kind of bar, the hipster trivia bar.
Can't I just strip? At least I'd still have my dignity.
Max, I know we've borrowed from everyone we know, but I'm so convinced that this is the right thing that I'm willing to stoop to something I never thought I'd do.
Look, you're sweet, you're adorable, but you're way too bony to bring in more than 40 a night. And even if you got an animal sidekick, it's still not gonna get us there.
It would get me there.
We can make an appointment, go into the city, and ask my Aunt Charity for the money. She's president of a cosmetic empire and she's filthy rich.
And how is she literally the only thing you've never talked about?
Because she hates me.
That's what family is—people who hate you, but can't kill you 'cause they're the first ones questioned.
[about her seagull cup] You hid it and kept it all these years?
Yep.
Why would you wanna hurt me like that?
[sucking on a morphine lollipop] It's obvious. She's obsessed with her brother, and she saw your being born as his love being taken away from her. Damn, this thing makes me smart!
[after being promoted as junior executive] I talked to Eli about hiring you full-time. You are now a junior executive's executive assistant!
I will knock you to the ground!
Max, think about it. It comes with health care. You wouldn't have to decide between birth control pills and morning-after pills!
Are you trying to take away a woman's right to choose?
You think you're a failure? 'Cause I think we did amazing.
The shop closed, Max. Our dream blew up in our face.
Lots of things blow up in your face, it's part of being a woman. You just... towel off and keep going.
[after inviting Sophie to his apartment] Girls, I may have oversold my apartment.
What, by saying she won't need to get shots?
Yes. Maybe you two could help me fix it up a little, give it a feminine touch.
Well, I'm out.
You know what? I'll do it. But I'm very recently out of work, so I'm gonna have to charge you.
If you didn't, you'd be the only girl who ever went to his apartment without getting paid.
You don't have to do this! Just call Han and apologize, and we can get outta here before the syphilis sets in.
No, he said some really hurtful things to me, and I'd rather stay here and work for Oleg and Alexis. At least I'll have my dignity. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go climb the Spermship Enterprise. Let me just get these curtains open so I can see better.
Seeing better? Is that the way to go?
Oh. I'm walking on a waterbed. This is harder than it looks.
How many times has that been said on this bed?
Oh, my heel! [her heel punctures Oleg's waterbad, squirting water in her face] I swallowed! I accidentally swallowed!
You know that's been said.
I'm gonna text Andy for another booty call, and maybe this time we can go out and have a booty breakfast.
As president of the Casual Sex Society, local chapter, I call bull on your booty.
What? It's a booty call.
Not with you it isn't. You think that booty breakfast will maybe lead to a booty dinner then maybe booty engaged and booty married and have a couple booty kids and a booty retirement home and then booty die together.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
