Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Where are my old sheets, bitch?
[whining] Why? Why are you calling me a bitch at night? I was sleeping in my new jammies!
Well, I can't sleep without those sheets, so where are they? I checked all your drawers. And by the way, who hides their vibrator in a Starbucks cup?
Those sheets were really special to me, okay?
Oh, did you lose your virginities on them?
I don't have sex in beds, that's where I eat.
[Han sent his mother pictures of a fake girlfriend after learning she is coming from Korea to visit him]
Han, you might have catfished your mom?
I might have.
Catfishing... Right. That's when you pick up a woman in a bar, and when you get her in the light, you realize she has whiskers. P.S.: Doesn't bother me.
No, catfishing is when you pretend to be someone you're not on the Internet. You know, like everyone on the Internet.
All my mother wants is for me to be happily married like my father and her.
All my mother wants is a cure for hep C.
Look, here she is. [hands iPad to Caroline]
"Korean beauty June Kim, AKA Sapphire"? Han, you chose a prostitute?!
She's not a prostitute! She has a website!
Yeah, and I know a guy with business cards whose "job" it is to relax your rectum.
I am just so excited that my Han finally found the perfect girlfriend. Oh, you know, his June is a brilliant brain surgeon.
Well, she certainly knows a lot about head.
And she goes to church every Sunday.
Yep, that girl is always on her knees.
Oh. And she is a classical pianist.
She is making this too easy.
Earl, I need my checks for tonight.
Beautiful?
Check.
Sexy?
Check.
Cool?
Check.
[Max is trying to get a table for her and Caroline at an old-timey restaurant, after Caroline got stood up by a guy who had reservations]
This is where I'd tip you with cash or offer you sex, but I'm kinda broke and you're kinda gay, so just be nice.
We don't really need to bring my sexuality into it.
I understand, it's hard to be out 100 years ago.
[referring to their messy apartment] Let's just ask Sophie, she has a cleaning service. We have to do something. Yesterday, I saw a roach walk out of our apartment.
Look, I'm gonna tell you what I told that guy who asked me to use my butt to smuggle opium... I'll do it!
Max, we really need to talk about this brochure.
Look, just because I have a pastry school brochure doesn't mean I'm actually gonna go to pastry school. Just like having those porn magazines doesn't mean I'm actually gonna ride around on a tiger performing unspeakable acts with sailors, probably. Pastry school is the same as porn, it's just a dumb fantasy.
Pastry school is not like porn. There is nothing in this brochure about a girl-on-girl croissant.
Chef, if you find this so funny, why don't you take a fiver? Isn't this how your saying goes?
I don't have a saying, but if I did, it'd be more like, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'." [leaves]
Anyone else who finds something hilarious can also go into the hall. Chef Max?
Nope, nothing 'ilarious. Teach on.
Enough with the dirty jokes. We are all here to become master bakers. Master-baking is something I work really hard at it. To be a master baker...
I'll be in the hall. [leaves]
I'm coming in there to flirt with chef Nicholas, and when I enter, I need you to say, "Caroline, you look amazing."
No. I actually physically can't say that. I would rather walk in there and yell, "I have crabs, and three of them just escaped."
We got from the apartment to the subway to the pastry school in record time. I mean, I'm not wearing a bra and my thong may be on backwards.
There's no wrong way to wear a thong, as long as it's uncomfortable. And with you, the bra's just for decoration. I have to wear one 'cause you get a ticket for not putting the kids in a car seat.
I need $5 to pay for a spatula I broke yesterday. I was having a Gordon Ramsay moment. I'd have sex with him, by the way.
Why? He'd just be yelling at you and telling you you're doing it wrong.
Yeah, sex.
Oh, my God, guess who texted me again.
Dame Judi Dench? Dame Judes texts me all the time. She's thirsty.
More like, "Damn, Judi Drench."
Oh, hi, Deke. Didn't know you were here. You're everywhere—pastry school, on the phone with Max talking about pastry school, and now here at the counter talking about elder sex with a beloved star of stage and screen. You're like...
What? Denzel Washington trapped in Channing Tatum's body? I get that a lot.
[Caroline is not ready to have sex with chef Nicholas yet]
I won't let it get that far. And by that I mean you won't. I'll give you a signal and then you'll say we have to go.
What's the signal? Full penetration?
No, before that.
So, just the tip?
Does it bother you when Deke talks about other girls with you like you're a guy?
Not as much as it bothers me when you talk to me like I'm a girl. Look, Deke and I are just bros, I don't wanna sleep with him! Not that there's anything wrong with two bros sleeping together. I'm not bromophobic.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
