Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
How are you gonna spin this to Laurie?
Well, you said you'd protect me from Laurie. I mean, she's your partner, are you afraid of her?
Of course I'm afraid of her! The woman got pregnant just to prove to me that she could do it without missing a day of work.
Richard, this is all an idea. And people don't wanna follow an idea, they wanna follow a leader. Look at the last guy to create a new Internet. Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner, so he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy and now he makes apocalypse porn.
You waived our no dog policy? I had Jared put that in there for a reason, Richard! In Pakistan, dogs are not pets, okay? They're vicious beasts and they chase you down the street and they bite you. My cousin Eftahar lost an ear. Our mayor was very corrupt, but he put poison pills in chicken meat to take care of the dog problem. We hailed him as a hero. We put up statues of him everywhere.
Over the last 80 years, we've built a real trust with our customers...
Alright! Great tour!
Oh, there's a lot more to see.
Ugh. Why? Look, I came here to offer you a partnership to cut down your server bills.
Oh! Well, our server costs were far higher than we anticipated. As we said, we're not well versed in...
The 20th century? Yeah, you mentioned that. Do you want to save a fortune or not?
Well... yes.
In exchange, I need you to do something for me with regard to the people who hacked your refrigerators. I'm going to destroy their lives.
So, the guy who just kicked me out of my house now owns 10% of my company?
Technically, he kicked you out of his house. He inherited all of Mr. Bachman's assets including his 10% of Pied Piper.
By faking his death.
Allegedly! Look, Richie. You didn't actually lose anything here, okay? Bachman is the aggrieved party, and if he is actually still alive, he'll get his 10% back when he shows up. In the meantime, is it really any worse if it belongs to this Yang guy?
No, I guess not.
So what's your real beef here then, huh, Richie? You got something against him? You don't have, like, a bias against Asians, do you?
Richard?
No, I don't! No, I just don't like being kicked out of my house.
By a...
Nothing. By no one. By any race.
Yeah... I'm hearing something different.
Well, we have some more good news for you, Richard. You remember last year, Laurie and I funded K-Hole Games? Largest independent gaming company in the Valley?
Uh, yeah, of course! Um, actually, now that you bring them up, I didn't want to be too forward, but I was hoping that one day, we could talk to them about joining our 'net.
Well, what if I told you that day is today?
What?
In addition to being business associates, the CEO and I take medically prescribed and supervised MDMA together. I'm taking it for severe post-partum depression. I do not know why he is taking it.
Guys, it can't be that big of a deal, right?
Why should it be? America loves Christians. Muslims are the enemy.
Well, that's true in most of America, but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.
"Sadly"?
You can be openly polyamorous and people here will call you brave. You can put micro-doses of LSD in your cereal, and people will call you a pioneer. But the one thing you cannot be is a Christian.
I find their theology to be illegitimate, and it's clear that they are the source of the majority of the world's problems. But, fuck, Richard, even I wouldn't just out a Christian like that.
Dick, a word regarding your decision to integrate Eklow's AI onto our network. I would like to formally object.
I don't have time for this, Gilfoyle.
I don't mind. AI is starting to operate on levels we don't even understand. Elon Musk himself gives humanity a 5% shot of surviving AI, and he is a Walt Disney-level optimist. Right now, we are a closed system. You shut down our eight developers, and the system goes dark. But once we launch to the world, to potentially millions of users, there's no shutting down, Richard. Are you prepared to be responsible for giving sophisticated AI that kind of power?
What do you want me to do, Gilfoyle? Okay? Laurie and Monica forced this on us, but they did give us K-Hole Games. And we kinda owe them a solid.
You're taking a technology with limitless potential and letting it run free on an experimental network that cannot be controlled or destroyed. All because you owe Monica and Laurie "a solid."
Yes.
The sheer banality of it all is very upsetting.
[watching himself on TV] Is... is my nose really that big? I mean, I look like an anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon.
Yep. But at least when you're sitting with Adrian Grenier, whose face is one of the top faces, well, they'll be cutting from your face to his face. And back to your face... then we'll get to see his face again.
Dick, I've given it serious thought, and I'd like to help you put Eklow's AI on our network in any way that I can.
Great! Does this mean you've conquered your fear of the robot uprising?
On the contrary. I'm more terrified than ever, which is why I'm willing to assist you. Are you familiar with the thought experiment called Roko's Basilisk?
No. Nor do I care to be.
If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well, it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there. Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot. Like yourself.
Okay, look, Gilfoyle. The only thing that could make my day more miserable is listening to an engineer blather on about the inevitable rise of the machines. So, you want to help? Test the initialization for me.
Roger that. Oh, I'm going to need email confirmation, so that our future overlords know that I chipped in. You know, once they absorb all data.
Yeah. I'll let them know.
Things are changing in China now, Gavin. There are many reforms. As you see, we provide a series of Tai Chi and movement classes, free for all employees, as well as free medical benefits. Ah, our nutrition center. In addition to all the good food we serve in our main cafeteria. Also free of charge. This concludes our tour. Any questions?
Just one. What the fuck?!
Sorry?
If I wanted to see nap pods and climbing walls, I would've stayed home. Or gone to fucking Denmark. All I want to see is people working as hard as they possibly can. That's why we come to China.
Okay, Richard, it is important to develop emotional self-discipline for situations like this. Sometimes you have to numb yourself. If you want to work the corner, you can't fall in love every time you turn a trick. That's why you do the oxy.
Walk me through this. We can't make our boxes in China because Yao has threatened every manufacturer in the country.
That's right.
We can't afford Bangladesh, because the workers have unionized.
Sadly, correct.
And we can't use our place in Laos, because one person gets her scalp ripped off and suddenly, everyone's screaming "regulations".
Yes.
You know, you hear a lot of chatter about the growth of the global economy, but no one wants to talk about the downside.
Gavin, there is one other manufacturing option we haven't discussed yet, which considering the current circumstances, might be worth consideration.
I'm open to anything.
America.
Fuck you.
Gavin, you've staked the entire future of this company on the Signature Box Three. Where are they?
' Well, the last two months have been challenging. The Chinese were petulant. The North Carolinians proved very entitled. And I held out hopes for our experiment in the Yukon Territories. But as it happens, the Inuit are surprisingly adept at collective bargaining. But fear not, I am in the early stages of a new plan. Did you know that some of America's most capable, motivated laborers are, at this moment, awaiting execution?
You expect me to work for Jeff Bezos? No fucking way. I mean, don't take this as any kind of threat, but if Amazon buys this company, I am out.
We spoke to Jeff an hour ago. It sounds like the two of you are on the same page about that.
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