The FBI got an anonymous tip about Mia's hacking exploits. Can you believe that? Just my luck! I'm home free!
You ratted your girlfriend out to the FBI, because you're too big of a pussy to break up with her?
I'll never tell. But yes, yes, I did.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Fuck you, Richard Hendricks!
Fuck me regarding...
It's all over the blogs. You took our idea to Gavin Belson?
Whoa. I'm sorry. Our idea?
Yeah, the new Internet. We came up with that together, standing outside of my kid's school. Former school.
Uh, no, um, you told me to name an idea, and so I named one. That was my idea, you were just standing there.
Yeah, pulling it out of you like a newborn baby.
Okay, but, well, if a doctor pulls a baby out of a pregnant woman, the doctor doesn't get to then keep the baby.
Okay, first of all, my ex-wife is fucking the doctor that delivered my son, and they're suing for full custody, so you're wrong.
I looked him dead in the eyes, and I said, 'Daniel, I've fucked every wife you've ever had. Care to go three for three?' Needless to say, he did not.
You don't come off in that story as well as you think you do.
I'm saying that I very much respect what you're doing here, almost revere it, and I wanted to offer my services as an associate. And I will not phone it in. I'll be the first one here at 10:30 a.m. and the last one to leave a smidge after 4:00. I'll, of course, need an office, an attractive personal assistant, paternity leave, if that goes well, and an umbrella insurance policy if that does not go well.
I would like an STD check.
DDoctor
What, did you graze your penis against a toilet seat?
No, I had sex.
DDoctor
Sex with what?
A female.
DDoctor
A female what?
A female human! And I don't know this woman very well, and we didn't use a condom.
DDoctor
Now, listen, Richard, I wouldn't worry so much. People don't really get STDs anymore. We'll get your tests back soon, and I would tell you not to have sex before then, but let's face it lightning ain't gonna strike twice, is it?
No, I want a new fridge, a smarter fridge. [pointing to catalog] Like this.
Fourteen thousand dollars for a smart fridge? Unlike you, I now work for a living. I'm not gonna drop that kind of dough on a fridge.
I ordered it already. I buy it for myself.
Then why are you talking to me about it?
To make you feel bad, because you are fat and poor.
SBStewart Burke
You see this? This is a song I bought at a copyright auction. It's an old mariachi number that had cost me practically nothing and so far has bought me two houses and put my village idiot grandson through six years of Emerson.
Oh. All that from "Cancion De Amores"? Was it a popular song?
SBStewart Burke
No, I used the copyright on this song to sue writers of all kinds of songs. Anyway, the writers usually settle, pay me off, or give me a chunk of their song. Thanks to "Cancion De Amores" here, I now own 10 percent of Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine."
Mmm.
SBStewart Burke
It's a classic! And when it runs next month on Mazda's new Super Bowl spot, I print money. But sadly, all the good music copyrights are gone.
[sarcastically] That is so sad.
SBStewart Burke
And that's why I moved into tech. And now, I sue people like you.
HEHooli Employee
Apparently there was frost on the loading dock at our microprocessor plant in Acton.
So, it's cold outside. Why does everyone in this state have to be such a wimp about it?
HEHooli Employee
Well, a semitruck slid right through the door and hit the main breaker panel and melted down the entire facility. The driver was incinerated, instantly.
I see. [beat] Well, thoughts and prayers, obviously. But we'll still be ready to roll out in time for Hoolicon, right? [awkward silence] Guys. Hey. I'm not Gavin Belson. You can be honest with me. How many days will this set us back?
HEHooli Employee
We're going to miss delivery of product by two quarters.
You realize Hoolicon is in one week, right? I mean, it's my first Hoolicon as CEO of this company. I'm supposed to get up on stage, in front of an audience of thousands, and deliver a keynote presentation built entirely around the release of Box Two! I was going to descend onto the stage, in a giant box. Boom! Jack-in-the-box. Then Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather were gonna come out and box over who was gonna get to take home the first new box! These are world-class puns! Now I got nothing!
What the fuck? You just gave our proprietary technology to this asshole without even running it by me first? Are you serious?
We were just hanging out, and he was like, "We should try it," and he said we could delete it, and then he started getting really excited. And then he said, you know, "You're doing it," a bunch of times, and then we did it. And then we started getting really excited... and it was so exciting.
And it worked, the VR is rad now.
Gilfoyle... "rad"? You are wearing the exact same pajamas as Dinesh, and you're saying "rad" now? You have been sucked entirely into his little Keenan vortex. Okay.
[looks at himself] I grant you, with [clears throat] the benefit of even a second's distance, this isn't a good look.
Jared, how many people attend Hoolicon?
About a quarter of a million over the whole weekend.
And, Gilfoyle, um, how many more phones do we need to get us off Azure?
A hundred and twenty-three thousand, give or take.
Dinesh, how much are tickets to Hoolicon?
Why would I have that information?
You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet. You're broke. How the fuck are you gonna pay for that?
That's where you come in, my great friends. I figured we might pass the hat? Just give whatever you are comfortable with.
I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.
Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart. Thank you, young Jianathan. Business class?
Premium economy. You fly one way.
Don't you need a visa to go to China?
Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing. He's very corrupt.
I cannot knowingly contribute to your moral decay.
Well, what if you didn't do it knowingly? You're always telling me how you spent your entire childhood pretending that everything going on around you was okay.
[ominously] Uncle Jerry's game.
All right, fine. I'll fulfill my duties under protest, but I will not do anything illegal nor unethical, and I will not lie. I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience.
Who can say why the phone Gavin Belson brought to market started exploding when we put Keenan Feldspar's technology on it? Huh? Is it Gavin's fault? Is it Keenan's fault? Is it 50-50? Who knows? We need to change the narrative here.
I'm sorry that you had to witness that scene in there. It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray, but I can assure you, there's a very simple explanation for that: it is.
GGladys
Sorry?
Yeah, even setting aside our CEO's sexual extortion, adultery, and lowbrow scatalogical vandalism, we're still essentially a criminal operation whose only real product is dangerous malware. [beat] I see you're fluent in Japanese. Are you gonna be comfortable with casual racism?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.