Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Look at this. There are 157 people using it near Gleb. And 400 people using it near Tara in Boston.
Yeah, I told her to give it to her Satanist friends out there.
Looks like she did.
She knows 400 Satanists in Boston?
Yeah, the Catholic Church really did a number on that town.
It's like this: you're trying to date a woman, but deep down in your heart you know you're gay.
Uh...
But deep in your soul you know you would be rather plowing a dude!
I don't...OK, what dude?
It could be any dude as long you really want to fuck him. It could be a twink, a bear, an otter, a circuit queen, a chub, a pup, a giftster, a daddy chaser, a leather man, a lady boy, a Donald Duck.
[Richard stares, confused]
A Donald Duck is a gay guy that's been kicked out of the navy.
How do you know so many gay things?
My grandfather just came out of the closet. Beautiful. Very inspiring.
So what've you got?
Well, sir, I did as you asked. I flew the company plane to Shanghai, then Moffett, then Jackson Hole. Then I flew back to Shanghai, then to Jackson Hole, then to Moffett, which is where I just landed.
And?
Moffett is 28.3 minutes closer.
I fucking knew it!
Gilfoyle? Gilfoyle, can I please be CEO of Pied Piper?
Spoken like a true leader. But, since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short reign as CEO in exchange for a front-row seat to the disaster seems fair. Plus, if I'm wrong, which I'm not I get rich.
Oh, my God. It's a VR play. That's the frothiest space in the Valley right now. Nobody understands it, but everybody wants in. Any idiot can walk into a fucking room, utter the letters "V" and "R," and VCs will hurl bricks of cash at him. Then by the time they find out that it's vaporware, it's too late. I have got to get in on this.
Well, when you lied to me about adding terms of service, it could be argued you violated your fiduciary duty to the company, rendering you personally liable. I mean, if the FTC brought us to trial, I could be compelled to testify against you.
Jared, I trusted you!
Oh, trust has nothing to do with it, but thanks for making that official.
Question for you. What's better than octopus recipe? Answer for you. Eight recipes for octopus. My grandmother gave me a family recipe before she died in a horrible way.
People don't have people killed in the Valley, not even Gavin Belson, okay? Right, Jared?
I... I once saw him throw a sloth down a flight of stairs after a presentation, and he said it was an accident, but he had this look in his eyes...
Five years at ASU, then you dropped out? No degree?
Mm-hmm.
Pretty solid "C's" in all of your CS classes.
Right.
But really more incompletes than anything.
Yeah, a lot of those classes were at 11:00 a.m.
You're a con man, like Erlich!
What does that mean?
It it's a little term of endearment we have around the house. Uh, a confident man. He sees me as a confident man, and he looks up to me. You know, you have to be patient with him, 'cause he's a bit of a moron.
He and his his posse of bandits and cutthroats will turn on you in a second. You need me the half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back. I'll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches. I'll kill them with knives. I'll kill them with guns. I'll kill them with my hands. I'll talk them into suicide. It doesn't matter.
Well, we all got to talking the other day after class. We couldn't figure out if you were, like, a TA or why you were giving us assignments, but we all agreed we didn't like the way that you were speaking to Professor Bighetti.
I'm used to it.
So we searched your name on PitchBook, and that SeeFood app you got funded at Raviga popped up.
PitchBook? How do you have access to PitchBook?
Your idea was so simple. It was like something you could come up with in the room during a meeting. Which is what Garrett from Coleman Blair told us at the CS undergrad mixer on Friday.
Hey, Erlich. Here I am. Class of '06. Go Cardinal.
Go Cardinal!
Anyways, we founded our own Shazam-for-food company, and he's funding us.
Mm-hmm.
Whoa, congrats! [beat] Wait, that's stealing.
No. It's exactly what Mark Zuckerberg did to the Winklevii in that Facebook movie Professor Bighetti had us watch. And he was the hero of that film. And with all of us working together, we'll easily beat you to market.
So, that's how it goes, huh? Hmm? You steal a man's idea, rendering his company worthless? I've read a number of disparaging articles about your generation in The Atlantic and Slate.com summaries. It's all true.
She'll tell me how cute I am, and how into me she is, and how she hacked into Bowman Avenue dam.
That was the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.
No, it was her! She pinned it on them. She flooded an area being surveyed for hotel construction.
I had my blood tested this morning. My cholesterol is through the roof. At this rate, [tearfully] I'll be dead at the age of a hundred and twenty.
Fuck you, God! What have I done to deserve this?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
