[shrieks] The bats of death! They've come for me!
Don't worry, Dad. It's just the bats of bad TV.
Oh, Jakey! I promise, the girls and I will take good care of you from now on.
There's no catch, Jake. That's just your medication talking.
Assuming he's on any medication.
This book will tell us what we need to do now that we have a heart attack survivor in the family.
And guess what, Daddy? I'm going to study to be a doctor!
Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.
That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
Jake, you're going to give yourself a... never mind. Honey, is there anything we can get for you?
Yipe! [EKG machine beeps] I want my mommy.
[Daria struggles to drive on a busy freeway]
No, there's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is.
How would you know? [a tractor-trailer whizzed by blowing it's horn at her] Dah! A giant truck!
[Daria pulls over and Quinn starts to drive]
I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I can't believe we're doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive?
God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates?
It's all about attitude. You're too timid, Daria. I could do this all day.
Actually, I wouldn't mind if...
Your turn. [pulls car over]
But you just started. [sees hitchhiker approaching] No way! We are not picking up some insane, murdering serial killer. How reckless can you get?
He's not a killer. I recognize him. It's... Sandi's cousin from Memphis.
Mom and Dad would crucify us.
[sarcastically] Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing.
You mean, I'm an accessory?
Whatever. Look, lighten up. You drive and I'll keep him from murdering us.
TTravis
Howdy! I sure do appreciate this.
You're not going to murder us, are you?
See? All you have to do is ask.
TTravis
Well, that ornery bull caught sight of my red shirt and that was about it. He must have chased me around that pasture ten times before I could climb over the fence.
Wow, Travis, what a great story!
Yeah. It was just as good as the first time I saw it... on Little House on the Prairie.
TTravis
Heck, Dareeah, we could go find that bull right now. The pasture's only 20 miles away.
We have to get to Fremont and bail out the band.
Come on, Daria. Stop being timid.
TTravis
Band? Hey, what a coincidence! I'm a musician, too.
Well, bust my legs and call me Shorty.
Play us something, Travis.
TTravis
Do you like country music?
It's practically the only music I can listen to.
Shut up, Shorty. Go ahead and play us something, Travis.
TTravis
Here's a little tune from Mr. Conway Twitty. Hope you like it. [plucks guitar]
Did we just see a U.F.O.?
You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.
But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight.
Come on. This is Lawndale.
So, there aren't any atomic communists?
[Points to the Fashion Club, who are all wearing black turtle necks and berets]
We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.
Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.
[Quinn screams and runs off]
Did I say the wrong thing?
Let's find someplace we can nap in peace.
All right. But first, let's gamble all our chips away in one grand, magnificently pointless gesture.
That's the only kind of gesture I make.
[voiceover] Give away the chips.
[Daria places chips on number 13]
Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we won?
DMr. DeMartino
Daria, take my chips.
DMr. DeMartino
You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?
DMr. Demartino
Then you take them, Jane. For being so...
DMr. DeMartino
...angular.
Hello, everyone. Hope there aren't any "card sharps" here. [chuckles]
Hmm. It is tempting. Especially with Mr. O'Neill about to sit down at the poker table.
I bet he has a good poker face.
But I'd rather be sleeping. Thanks, anyway.
DMr. DeMartino
"Give the chips away..." "Poker face..." Aah! Poker!
So... now that Sandi's been dumped, she won't dare bring up Marco. [Daria and Jane fall asleep on Quinn's shoulders] EWW! GEET OFF ME! [pushes them away]
Not now, Quinn. I'm talking to your father. You just had to interfere.
Oh, yeah? Well, none of this would've happened if you hadn't left me with that... that nympho!
I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate.
That's the nastiest name anyone's ever called me.
If we get anything above a "C" I'll get off academic probation and not have to worry about taking language arts over... and Daria Morgendorffer does not get "Cs."
Well, I could make an exception.
Come on! This is going to be fun -- you doing words, me pictures. It's exciting.
I know what would make it exciting.
We do the whole thing while walking over hot coals?
How about we add a little music to the mix?
What's so exciting about that?
What's exciting is the particular musician I have in mind.
Come on, Daria. Trent'll love doing some computer music. It'll satisfy the secret techno dance freak hiding beneath that cool alternative exterior.
I don't think I want to meet that techno dance freak.
Sure you do. We'll ask him at the Mystik Spiral gig tonight.
This dance freak doesn't wear spandex, does he?
Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.
How do you know? You don't wear a watch.
I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.
You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.
Sorry again about you know... everything.
All right then, Daria. [kisses Daria on the cheek and leaves] See you around.
Come on, Daria. If you don't like any of those other projects, all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan, renting an apartment, or budgeting a funeral.
[Quinn enters living room holding cordless phone]
Um, that's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye. [exits living room]
Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral?
Why don't we try the loan? I do want to start my own business after college.
[Jake enters living room holding cellular phone]
Come on, Mel, give me another shot. We'll have them lining up to buy methane-powered hot tubs. Hey, how about this catchphrase: "So it smells? So what!" [pause] Come on, Mel, they're going to repossess my parking space! [exits living room]
Yes, let's start a business. Nothing like being your own boss.
What should we call our company?
"Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?
[Helen enters living room holding cellular phone]
No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it. [exits living room]
It's a little busy in here. You want to take a break and get some pizza?
Can I put it on my Millennium Project Enterprises expense report?
[Jodie sighs and rolls her eyes]
Yeah? [Helen enters] No, I don't want to talk about it.
Whatever it is you came in to have a heart to heart about.
I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Dad" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee.
Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.
All right, then, I'll leave you to your reading. [starts to leave]
Don't I seem inordinately unhappy to you?
I don't want to pry. [sees look on Daria's face] Well... I did overhear your argument with Jodie.
Do you think I'm a rigid, unrealistic, unforgiving self-righteous jerk who can't hold on to a friend?
She didn't say anything like that.
Daria, you have strong beliefs and you want to live by them. That's not a fault or a character flaw. It's admirable; it's what makes you who you are.
Jodie is a little more pragmatic than you are. She didn't appreciate being criticized for it.
And since she's pragmatic, she also knows that the fact that someone's having a bad day doesn't make them a bad person.
What about someone with a pattern of alienating people with her self-righteous pronouncements?
People aren't as easily alienated as you think, Daria. Ask Jane. She'll tell you.
Alright, Daria, name your price.
Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic...
Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement.
I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away. [leaves]
[resigned voice] $50 should do it.
King Tut was buried without his diver. What the hell does that mean?!
I think this could really be it!
What are you talking about? Just keep walking. We'll find our way.
I don't know, Daria. This is bad.
Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend.
Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother. [pause]
I feel like we should say more.
I know. That was kind of pathetic.
Um... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child.
I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&M's. [pause] Better?
Then he said his armpits would know only the embrace of his crutches!
I don't know, but it sounds bad! Like Kevvy's armpits have feelings, but not for me, now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?
Lips? So we're off the armpit thing?
You know, if you break up Brittany's attempted thought, it looks like a Mystic Spiral song.
[Reading from Daria's paper] "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips empty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace lips with skull?
[Pointing to the crutch she planted following Daria's advice] Look, the new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.
I wonder why it isn't blossoming.
Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?
Oh,hmm, Daria? Maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.
