[Amy's phone rings and she picks it up; split-screen between her and Daria]
I'm joking, Daria. How are you? Your mother hasn't had a stroke, has she?
Well, I haven't checked her in the last half hour. How was Hawaii?
Wish I were still there. What can I do for you?
Um, I wanted to ask your advice about something. I'm thinking of getting contact lenses.
Well, isn't it kind of... vain?
Do you have mirrors in your house, Daria?
Do you look in them before you go out?
Well then, you're already going to hell, so you might as well get the lenses. You'll see the brimstone better.
I mean, having contacts is no more vain than primping in the mirror. It just gives you different options about the way you look. It wouldn't change your personality, it wouldn't change your values, and it would set your parents back a couple hundred bucks. So, I don't see any downside at all.
I'd love to see how it turns out. Send me a picture, okay?
You want a picture of me with my contacts?
Either that or a shot of Ralph Fiennes. Whichever.
Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again, that's for sure. And if I bang into anyone else at school I'll be arrested for assault. So I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow.
Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog.
I tell you the truth, this whole thing's got me very confused. I want my glasses back.
Are you still hung up on that vanity thing?
That's not it. Everyone already knows I'm vain.
Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist. So if not that, then what?
This is kind of hard to explain. It's like, I know my glasses set me apart. When I look in the mirror without them I can't see a thing. But when I put them on and look in the mirror again, I think...
I think to myself, 'Never mind glasses. You can see things that other people can't. You can see better than other people. So to hell with them and what they think of you and your glasses.'
You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you?
And you like that Daria better than the Daria who cares about her looks.
I don't blame you. Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism? You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you?
That's why I'm proud to be your friend.
"As his fingers trailed sensuously down the nape of her neck to her... bow-dice... she tingled uncontrollably with the knowledge that tonight Jean Perrier would taste the fruit of the garden from which no man had ere picked produce before." Oh!
W1Woman #1
What a pretty voice she has. Do you think?
W2Woman #2
Oh, yes. She sounds just like Frances did when she was younger.
W3Woman #3
I always did have a lovely voice.
W2Woman #2
And I looked just like you, dearie.
Pow! Blam! Kablooey! Cool, this guy just swallowed his own teeth.
MMan
Happened to me last Friday. Only they weren't my teeth, if you get my drift.
NNurse
Daria, you'll be reading to Mrs. Patterson. I think you two will really hit it off.
PMrs. Patterson
What a pretty girl...
PMrs. Patterson
... that Brittany is.
PMrs. Patterson
Are you two friends? No, I don't suppose you would be. Never mind. Let's hear what you brought to read.
PMrs. Patterson
Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards are the ones with poems in them.
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked. Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn..." [time passes] "... the soul is innocent and immortal. It should never die ungodly, in an armed madhouse--"
[Mrs. Patterson presses call button]
NNurse
Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?
PMrs. Patterson
Get me my walker. And then hit her with it!
Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?
I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.
She was the poster model for St. Peter Girl beer.
AAAshley-Amber
[from memory] "I'll cure what 'ales' you." [giggles]
It's hard to believe she's real.
Come on, I'll introduce you to my dad.
He's not the Maytag repairman, is he?
[Daria and Brittany enter Steve Taylor's study]
Dad, this is my classmate, Daria.
SSteve
Hey, Daria. Steve Taylor. Always glad to meet one of Britt's friends. [shakes hands with Daria] You like cosmetics? I'll get you into a focus group. The pay is a joke but there's free lip gloss out the ying yang. Good stuff, too. They try it on cats first. You meet my wife? Boy, was she a knockout when she was young.
[Brian runs through hall, laughing]
SSteve
That's my Pebble Beach hat, you little turd! Gerald Ford sold me that hat!
[Brittany and Steve run after Brian]
Cool thoughts... a river running to the ocean... far from here...
CCupid
[knocks on the window] So, you'll help us, right?
Why not? I'm obviously having some kind of nervous breakdown. I'll just ride it out and see where it takes me, Zelda Fitzgerald-style.
Daria, something's wrong with Mom and Dad. Daria, who are you talking to?
Uh...my imaginary friend?
[from her room] Okay, I'll come back.
SPSt. Patrick's Day
The girl mustn't know about us!
Right, because you can't be seen by other mortals.
SPSt. Patrick's Day
No! It'd be having to talk to the little twit that'd drive us crazy!
CCupid
You know, you're getting kind of heavy...
SPSt. Patrick's Day
Shut up, you bloody...IDIOT!
[Cupid drops St. Patrick's Day with a loud thud]
My imaginary friend fell down.
God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.
You know, Quinn. It's been kind of nice having you around so much lately.
It has been nice. Very nice.
[feels upset] Nice?! It's been the most boring, worst time in my entire life! Go ahead and have your stupid baby! I can't take this anymore!
We can't have another kid, Helen!
Well, I'm not pregnant. And that's not a very nice thing to say, by the way.
[Helen and Jake begin to argue]
[comes in] Hey, what's going on?
[angrily] Absolutely nothing, and I am sick of it! I can't continue to live my life like some kind of monk in a nunnery! [leaves angrily]
Oh, oh, and you want to blame me!
Get off my back, Helen! Leave me the hell alone!
Hi, guys. [guys greet Quinn eagerly] I was wondering if you could do me a teensy-weensy favor.
GGuys
I can do it. No problem!
Great! I need help planning the dance.
JJeffy
[clears throat] Quinn, we'd like to help but, uh, you know... we're guys.
Gee, I hope everyone here isn't too busy to come to the party I'm having while my parents are out of town.
GGuys
[cheering] Yeah, we're there!
Quinn, I just want to say that I'm really sorry about our fight. I don't even care who was at fault. I just hope you're not still mad.
I could never stay mad at you, Sandi.
Good. So you'll be at my party next Saturday. I mean, it wouldn't be the same without you, Quinn.
GGuys
[chanting] Saturday, Saturday, Saturday!
Saturday? But that's the same night as the dance.
GGuys
[chanting] Dance, dance, dance!
You're kidding! I forgot all about the dance. Gee, that's too, too bad. I mean, I can't un-order all that free pizza.
Well, I can't un-order, um, the free soda and tacos I was going to order.
Outdoor turbo-jet hot tub.
Preferred seating for the popular.
SQSandi and Quinn
[to guys] Well?!!
Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.
But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.
We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.
But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.
So, we're more or less even on the night.
Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.
[snow begins to fall]
[pounds on door] Come on, you little punk, open up! Open this door, you little brat!
Oh, my God, let us in! Hello?
[Stacy whimpers]
VVal
So I said, "This is Val talking, not just some ordinary teen loser from Loserville."
VVal
Anyway, I am through with famous guys. I'm sticking with fashion designers and studio heads, at least for the time being.
VVal
Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter -- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?
Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."
VVal
Wow, you are so existential. But didn't you write down anything I said? [phone rings] Hang on. [into phone] You got Val, go. How can I not appeal to their demographic? They are so wack -- I am their demographic. They wouldn't know edgy if it bit them in the butt. Oh, confirm my hair color appointment and facial for tomorrow, would you? And work up a schedule for my girlfriend Dar's visit. Thanks for saving my life, helpmate. [hangs up] I'm zonked. Collaborating is hard, don't you think?
VVal
Sorry about all those phone calls.
Oh, I just think of it as being a witness to history. Anyway, it isn't everyday your boyfriend dumps you for a starlet.
VVal
I was NOT dumped! And I am much more famous than that pathetic, B-list, pseudo celebrity! Not that the suits who control the airwaves would know. Sometimes I feel like the whole adult world is against youth culture.
Except the adults making a nice fat living off of it.
What do YOU mean? What do you mean, pushing yourself as some kind of role-model when all you care about is how you look and what celebrities you know? Aren't teenage girls screwed up enough without you foisting your shallow values on them and making their lousy self images even worse?
VVal
Now look here, missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher? I am a role model! I'm in touch with the teen within.
Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without? Your readers aren't going to be teenagers forever, unlike you. A real role model would be teaching them stuff they can use.
VVal
30-something?! You know, I came here to do an article on a smart girl who's cool, because smart is cool. But cool is cool, too, and smart that doesn't get cool isn't so smart, is it? You can forget about New York, Daria. You know, deep down you're nothing but a... a...
VVal
You almost made me say it! [leaves, then sticks head back in] I don't really look like I'm 30-something, do I?
You're that girl from Quinn's house.
Are you getting counseling, too?
[trance-like] I'm the counselor. It's volunteer work... to help the socially... challenged.
You're going to counsel me? Of course. It's some kind of cosmic payback for being too ironic. Okay. Is this going to take long?
[begins reading very slowly] "You... too... can learn to... make..."
"... friends. Making... friends..."
Why don't I read that to myself? That way, we can both be out of here before we graduate.
"Making friends... is..."
[taps foot impatiently] Fun? Interesting? Impossible?
"... important. Friends can be... very..."
[clock ticks from 3:00 to 3:01]
Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?!
You made me lose my place. [grunts softly in frustration] Let's see... "Making friends... is... important..."
Mrs. Morgendorffer? This is Jane, Daria's friend.
Jane, do you need an attorney? I don't do criminal work but I'll get you someone. Don't say anything to anyone until we get over there.
No, no. I'm looking for Daria.
[split-screen between Jane and Helen]
Daria? Why are you calling here?
She told me she was going to talk to you about the way they're treating her at work.
They probably haven't let her off yet. I bet she's still in the back room, bagging nuts.
What?! In the back room? How is she going to improve her social skills there?
Yeah, that's the thing. She's the senior employee at the nut stand, and the most qualified, but for some reason her male co-worker is the one they've got behind the counter.
What?! I knew I shouldn't have trusted one of Jake's sleazy contacts. [groans in frustration]
Jane, since you're staying with us and all I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's, she's so hard to talk to these days...
Maximum of 3 questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.
Nope. Unless you count TV.
Sex? Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?
Say, uh, Jane... I know you're Daria's best friend and... well, she's so hard to talk to these days. I was wondering...
Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. And, uh, talk your wife into finding a new speed-walking route.
Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?
[into phone] Well, actually, Eric, would you mind if we wrapped this up tomorrow? Oh, no, that's okay, no, fine. It's just that my family was just... no. Yes, sure, of course. Not at all. Anytime -- never!
Nothing like Taco Tuesday, eh, girls?
If I recall correctly, Taco Thursday was pretty similar.
I was on the radio today. Bing and the Spatula Man invited the Fashion Club to critique the outfits of some less stylish students.
Marconi would be so proud.
That Spatula Man is funny!
As are most men named for kitchen utensils.
Helen, you're going to miss out on all the guacamole! [taunting] Mom's going to miss the guacamole, Mom's going to miss the guacamole...
Enough with the guacamole! [into phone] No, not you, Eric!
I think Bing has a crush on me. Daddy! You're using all the cheese!
[starts blushing and sweating] "What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake? What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake?" Why can't a man come home from a hard day's work and enjoy a lousy taco without it turning into...hey, you know, it's the darndest thing! I can't feel my arm! [starts wheezing]
Blurk! [passes out in the guacamole]
[picks his head up from the bowl] Mom's...gonna miss...the guacamole... [passes out again]
[turns around, drops phone] Jakey!
