[Mr. DeMartino is returning graded papers to students]
DMr. DeMartino
I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations.
I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students.
[looks at her test; the score is 100] Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for.
[has a score of 66] Yes! I passed and I got the extra point!
[Mack has a score of 81; he rests his chin on his hand while the other football players loudly congratulate each other]
Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper?
DMr. DeMartino
Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.
I have an "A" because...I got a hundred?
DMr. DeMartino
That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, despite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on the back of a cereal box, got a hundred!
DMr. DeMartino
Only Mr. Mackenzie got a "B"!
[less enthusiastically] Go, Mac, go...
[Kevin and the other football players cheer on except for Mack]
DMr. DeMartino
Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone--Kevin--got a hold of the test beforehand--Kevin--which would account for the jimmied lock on my filing cabinet--Kevin!
But who does he really suspect?
DMr. DeMartino
Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?
But I don't know anything.
Can't accuse him of lying there.
DMr. DeMartino
I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it not true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation?
Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied!
DMr. DeMartino
[takes Kevin's test] Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal?
DMr. DeMartino
Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome!
Teapot... the New England Patriots!
How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch.
DMr. DeMartino
[leans over Kevin] Where were you Monday afternoon?!
Um, hanging out with the team?
[football players agree with Kevin as the class bell rings]
DMr. DeMartino
Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that unless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?
[Daria and Jane open Daria's locker]
I can't help but think that there's something in here that Upchuck's Angels overlooked.
Wow, that's a stretch. Probably just some incriminating piece of evidence that Ms. Li will jump all over as proof of your guilt. [Daria removes a pink pistol from her locker and Ms. Li, Jake, and Helen appear in police uniforms, standing behind her] Right on schedule.
Ms. Morgendorffer, you're under arrest for the murder of Kevin Thompson. Book her: murder one.
I just picked what I'm gonna fail at -- getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.
This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn is grounded, I still win.
Okay. Now you gotta help me to pick something to fail at; something really impresive that doesn't required any effort of any kind.
How about performing brain surgery on Kevin?
I said no effort. Finding that brain could take weeks.
Then...how about being conventional: looking and acting like anybody else. It would take you no time to fail at that.
What are you saying? That I'm some kind of freak of nature?
Next, we have reason number 17; Endangering a minor. The Teen Fashion Extravaganza reinforces the false notion that all you need to survive is a credit card and a pair of ankle boots. This misapprehension could prove fatal should Quinn ever find herself stranded in the wild.
Although, not if she's stranded in the Wild Pair.
You know I'm gonna fail at this. They'll say Quinn has to learn by making her own mistakes...outside the house. Freeing up the phone for my mother's cavalcade of obsessive business calls.
Why, oh why can't she just have a substance abuse problem like a normal mom?
I'm gonna head home. I wanna see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.
Wait. It's time for the moment of truth. [she steps out of her closet with her hair up in a bun and wearing a light-blue mini-skirt, a red sleeveless top with a bare midriff, and a pair of clunky sandals] So, like do I look conventional, or whatever?
[Jake's voice from the bathroom]
Is anybody out there? I am the only on left in the house?
If I help you with the first question, would you try to do the second one on your own?
Daria! Thank God! Your mother is at a work thing, your sister is at a school thing...I thought I'd be stuck in here forever!
Ok, listen closely: There's a knob on the door. Turn it counterclockwise.
We're out of toilet paper, kiddo. Can you believe it?
Oh, well I'll grab some from downstairs.
There isn't any downstairs. That's why I came up here.
I see. Walking away now with too much information.
Kiddo, could you hurry over to Drugs N' Stuff and pick up a few rolls?
I get stuck on the hurry part.
Damn it. How in hell would Helen handle this? How in hell would Helen... hey, I bet that's one of those backwards-and-forward things! No, I guess not.
I can hear you, you know. And she'd offer me a bribe.
Yeah! If you can make it back in 15 minutes, I'll give you five bucks.
You're on. See you in a few minutes. [leaves]
Hurry, kiddo! This Teenage Superstars magazine is only 64 pages!
Honey, Terry Perry Barlow wants to talk to you. Can you believe it?
There's so much about this day I can't believe.
TTerry
Say, Darlene, would alligator wrestling get you into a restaurant?
That depends. Is there a restaurant next door with cock fights?
TTerry
[laughs] Darlene, you're sharp. You remind me of me.
TTerry
You two like ballooning?
Ballooning? Like up in the air?
TTerry
These conferences are dull as dirt. Let's sneak off tomorrow morning for a spin in my balloon. We can be back in time for the keynote address.
Way up in the air? Sounds great... [nervous laugh] Yeah, that'll be fun. Right, Daria?
More fun than a barrel of alligators.
TTerry
Daria? [shrugs] Okay. Meet me out front at 5:00 A.M. [Terry exits]
I thought you were afraid of heights.
Oh, uh, that was a long time ago.
[Jake's flashback]
DIDrill Instructor
Well, Morgendorffer, the other cadets are going to turn in. They're all tuckered out from laughing at your cowardice. Guess I'll have to leave you here for the night. By the way, your father called and I told him all about it. He says don't bother coming home for Easter. [drill instructor exits]
BDr. Bacon
All right, Morgendorffers. I've analyzed the data from your individual sessions and I realized what we need to do.
BDr. Bacon
Actually, I think we need to wear each others faces for a while.
Eww! Like that movie with that guy and that other guy?
BDr. Bacon
No, no, no. I'm talking about a little role-playing.
I'll play the role of the crazed surgeon. Scalpel?
BDr. Bacon
I mean, why don't you try being each other.
BDr. Bacon
[to Daria] Do you have a problem with that, Helen?
I think she was still being Daria.
BDr. Bacon
Why don't you be Daria?
Oh, God, just throw me in front of a train, why don't you.
BDr. Bacon
Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Give it a try.
BDr. Bacon
All right, Daria. Now can you be Quinn?
Tom ate your Gummi Bears even though he knew you needed them for your statue? That *was* pretty inconsiderate.
Well, now that I think about it I may not have actually told him they were for my statue, but he should have known!
Definitely. Especially since they were probably right there next to your paints. Unless he eats paint too.
Um... the Gummi Bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter. But they were in plain view of my statue! [pause] I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?
I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.
Look, Tom's reasonable enough. Maybe if you just talked it out.
Hmm. Sounds sort of drastic.
Then, how about this? Serve him some frozen lasagna and tell him you're sorry you haven't been around much lately, but as soon as you get some time off, you're gonna do something fun together and really catch up on each other's lives.
You know, Helen ought to right a book. [sees sales girl] Quick! Before she disappears again! [runs to catch sales girl]
PAPayday Announcer
[offscreen] Payday is currently experiencing a temporary power outage. Sales of butane, propane, methane, gasoline and other combustibles will be temporarily suspended until the sprinklers and ventilation system are working again, and we can get the damn doors open. Thank you for shopping the Payday way.
[Black interior of Payday]
[offscreen] Oh, no! Kevie, someone stole our cart! [pause] Kevie?
[offscreen] Will whoever has their hand on my butt please remove it, this instant.
[Daria sighs in frustration]
If that woman were Judy Garland, this would make sense on a couple of levels.
Come on! Darn! Move! You're a car! That's what you do, that's all you do! Now do it!
Ah, the eternal struggle between man and machine.
Jane And this time, its personal.
[Phone rings]
You're nothing but a... A DAMN RADIO WITH DOORS!
No, Dad and his inner child are playing in the driveway.
But he's supposed to pick us up at the mall.
He's discussing that with the car right now. But the car seems to be saying you're taking the bus.
The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up. At least I hope they're sleeping.
Excuse me, but this isn't my street.
BDBus Driver
No problem. Just click your heels and say there is no place like home. Only do it outside. This is the end of the line.
[Bus drives off, leaving the Fashion Club standing on a decrepit sidewalk in a rundown neighborhood]
Stacy, you're not wearing those bangles again, are you?
Oh, no! It's the Rattling Girl of Lawndale!
Stacy, everyone knows that story was just made up by unpopular people to try to scare popular people into becoming unpopular.
You shouldn't make fun, Daria. There are some mysteries that are just beyond our knowledge.
Like the fact that the human ego is bloated enough to believe the force that created the universe gives a crap about our blowouts.
You wouldn't say that if your life were touched by an angel!
No, I'd be too busy suing for sexual harassment.
Daria! Don't even joke like that. Angels are everywhere; they can hear you.
Then I'm going to my room so we can talk about you behind your back. [exits]
Some people just won't listen to logic.
