Oh, wow. I didn't realize it was Valentine's Day. And that people in the office gave-
No, Valentine's Day is Monday, not today, and these aren't for you, they're from you.
I am more confused than I was before.
Don planned a beautiful night for us on Monday.
Yes. Don planned a romantic evening for you and me. Me and HIM.
And I don't want it to be ruined by Lisa, who will ruin it if she doesn't have a romantic Valentine's day. Last year her boyfriend forgot it was Valentine's Day and went to a Rangers game with his friends. She got drunk, made us watch "Overboard," and reviewed every bad Valentine's Day she's ever had, which was all of them. Not this year. You're gonna be like St. Valentine himself.
Focus, nerd. Don got us a room at the Four Seasons.
Nope, still him and me. The Four Seasons. The bath fills up in less than 60 seconds. And I don't want Lisa showing up with a copy of "The Notebook" saying, "Where's the minibar?"
Yeah, I can't hang out with Lisa on Valentine's Day. That's making a pretty strong statement.
Don't screw with me on this, James Tiberius Harper.
That's not my middle name. You're thinking of Captain James Tiberius Kirk–
Do not screw me on this, Jim.
We're not in a relationship. She calls me at night after work. We talk for a minute and then she says, "Should I come over?" And what am I supposed to say?
If you're dating someone on February 14th, you take them out on February 14th.
What's February 14th? [Maggie is annoyed] Valentine's Day...
[Nina Howard has obliquely told Will that she will leave him alone if he pays her $50,000 for a silent restaurant investment, i.e. a bribe. He takes out his checkbook and begins writing, with an annoyed look on his face]
NNina
Hey, Will... we're journalists.
[Will stops writing]
I wish you hadn't said that.
Everything would have been cool if you hadn't said that. You just talk too much.
NNina
You have a problem with me calling myself a journalist? Only the elite few who cover stories nobody cares about get to call themselves–
I've got a guy on my staff who got hit in the head with a glass door Thursday. His forehead wouldn't stop bleeding, but he wouldn't go to a doctor 'cause I got another guy who got beat up covering Cairo. And the first guy wouldn't see a doctor until the second guy saw a doctor. I've got a producer who ran into a locked door 'cause he felt responsible for the second guy. I've got an 18-year-old kid risking his life halfway around the world. And the AP who sent him there? Hasn't slept in three days. I've got 20-somethings who care about teachers in Wisconsin. I've got a grown woman who has to subtract with her fingers staying up all night trying to learn economics from a PhD who could be making 20 times the money three miles downtown. They're journalists. [his voice becoming quieter and more menacing] Come after me all you want, Nina. Come after me every day. Look through my garbage. Invent things out of thin air - that's what you're paid for. But you touch my staff, and you are walking into a world of hurt. I have an hour of prime time every night, and I will re-dedicate my life to ruining yours. I also want you to send a message up the chain of whatever back room machinery that's driving this that if I so much as smell Leona Lansing's perfume on any of this, I'm going to make a meal out of both of you, and I'm not going to stop until I'm done. Look at me... [waits for her to do so] ...And see that I'm dead serious. [voids the cheque] Restaurants are bad investments. Wait twenty minutes until you leave here.
[He gets up and puts his coat on].
NNina
Tough-ass speech. But you're not gonna win.
Nah, I don't care. I'm just a middle-aged man who never lived up to his potential. You don't want to be on the wrong end of me if I ever do. I got the drinks. [leaves]
It's just a very bad day.
LLisa
It's Valentine's Day. It's my favorite day.
Then pick another day! Because it's every guy's least favorite day. Everyone's always disappointed. Valentine's Day is the bully of holidays. It forces love on people who aren't in love. Cupid's freakish.
No, I'm boycotting Valentine's Day from now on. Who's with me?!
[holding flowers for Maggie hands them to a random guy] I love you every day. Today's just an excuse to spend a night in a hotel room.
JHJack Habib
Any extra stress at work?
JHJack Habib
No extra stress?
JHJack Habib
One more question.
JHJack Habib
What are you fucking around with me for?
JHJack Habib
What are you fucking around with me for? I just asked you if there's any extra stress at work–
There isn't. There isn't.
JHJack Habib
What about the death threat?
[debating the construction of an Islamic community center near Ground Zero]
Miss Greer, you mentioned creeping Islam, are you concerned about creeping Christianity?
PGPhylis Greer
[laughing] Only that it's not creeping fast enough.
Okay. Here are some things done on American soil in the name of Christianity. The Ku Klux Klan burned down black churches, raped women, murdered civil rights workers, murdered children and terrorized communities for over a century. The neo nazis all acted and continue to act in the name of white christian supremacy. The army of god fatally attacks abortion clinics and doctors across the country. The covenant, the sword and the arm of the lord targets local police and federal agents. The federal building in Oklahoma City. The attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan and the successful assassinations of Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, and Abraham Lincoln, all perpetrated by Christians. Miss Greer, we weren't attacked by Muslims, we were attacked by sociopaths, and I for one would join you in protesting a community center for the criminally insane, but no one is suggesting building one.
What are they doing to contain the situation? What's going on with Will?
Internal security is handling it. But I have to give you a rotten assignment.
You got gum in your hair again?
No! Yes, but I got it out. I need you to do opposition research on Will.
About a year ago, somebody filed a complaint with HR on your behalf.
I know what that was. Will didn't do anything wrong. This is ridiculous.
I know, but Charlie wants to know what else is out there so he can--
Will knows we're doing this?
[at Jim's desk]
Have you done this before?
Tell me about the complaint.
There was a desk producer who saw Will yell at me about something.
Doesn't matter. [Jim raises his eyebrows. Maggie sighs] I mixed up Georgia the state with--
Yes, Georgia the country.
Yup. This isn't about me.
During the invasion? You thought the Russians invaded Atlanta?
In retrospect, it seems farfetched. But that wasn't what he was actually mad about. The wife of a board member died and Will asked me to send flowers. I wrote on the card, "I'm so sorry about your loss. LOL."
I thought it meant "lots of love."
How are you still working here?
I dodge bullets. Here comes a bullet. Boom! I'm over here. Ping! Here comes another bullet. Boom! I'm over here.
Who Else's body have you guarded?
LLonny
We don't talk about that.
LLonny
Kanye. [pause] It was awesome.
LLonny
I secure my weapon in a gun safe when I come in the building.
Keep it there. I really don't want an armed guard. Maybe if you were drafted in the first four rounds, I'd feel safer.
LLonny
Yeah, I was gonna do that anyway. I know you're used to being the boss. But you're not anymore. At least for a little while.
LLonny
Until my colleagues chase down the source of the threat or, of course, if you've been successfully assassinated.
It was all right. How does this work?
LLonny
I pick you up at your home in the morning and escort you to your office. Then I pick you up at your office at night and escort you to your home. I'm with you any place that's an unsecured area.
What's an unsecured area?
LLonny
Anyplace that isn't your home or your office.
I'm single. What about a date?
LLonny
I don't think we should get romantically involved.
[holding a bag of pot cookies] Just to be clear for you youngsters, this isn't recreational. It's medicinal. When I was a junior in high school, I was already throwing a 74-mile-an-hour fastball, which puts a lot of stress on your landing leg. I also have epicondylitis in my elbow due to my mess-you-up breaking ball.
KKaylee
You know, if you just want to bake, that's okay with me. You don't need to go to WebMD to come up with symptoms.
I don't want to bake. I'm telling you I was an awesome high school athlete, but it's left me in constant physical pain in my knee and elbow. And experts say that medical marijuana relieves the pain and inflammation with fewer side effects than prescription pain killers.
The ones on WebMD. Anyway, thank you and thank your friend in LA for getting this for me.
KKaylee
No problem. He said they're pretty strong. So you should just break off a quarter and eat that.
And when this guy says they're strong, they're strong.
[looking worried for a moment] ...I ate two.
KKaylee
Okay, well...enjoy yourself and we'll see you in 12 to 14 hours.
It's fine. I have incredibly high tolerance. That's why I can't feel the Vicodin.
You took Vicodin and then ate two cookies?
KKaylee
[To Neal] He's fine. [To Will] You're fine...just try to stay away from anything dangerous...electricity, y'know...outside...
[Will, as his "first time in the chair", has been tasked to report on 9/11]
You had to protect your sisters and your brothers and your mom from a pretty violent father, it sounds like. Do it again. I got faith in you.
[After Charlie tells Will and Mac to wait for the White House to break the story]
When was the last time you checked your emails?
[To Will] When was the last time you did?
[Will takes out his BlackBerry and considers it]
Sure... [he reads emails on his Blackberry] Okay, not tonight but in days to come, uh, you'll look back and think this moment was funny.
[reading the Blackberry] It's from 20 minutes ago.
'OBL re portable. Knock 'em dead just like we did.'
We used to play softball together when he was in the Senate, he knows something about the landing leg--
[to Will] When did you turn into Ted Baxter?
Yeah, get the captain, 'cause I'd like to have a word with him. The seat belt while we're standing still is one thing, but how paranoid do you have to be to think that I'm declaring myself in charge of the-
PPilot
Is there a problem, sir?
Yeah, I was asking how paranoid you have to- [suddenly falters] you have to be-
[Don sees the pilot's rank, his flying wings, and the United Airlines logo on his nameplate. He has realized the significance - that the man, his co-pilot and the flight attendant most likely lost friends and colleagues on United Airlines Flights 175 and 93]
Captain, my name is Don Keefer. That's Elliot Hirsch and that's Sloan Sabbith. We work for Atlantis Cable News. And we wanted you and your first officer and Flight Attendant Crazy Lady to be the first ones on this plane to know that our armed forces killed Osama bin Laden for you tonight.
