Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[after Mr. Conductor's story] Mr. Conductor, did you tell us that just so we'd feel better about cleaning?
I was comparing your cleaning to the mess on Ginny's farm.
Sometimes a little trouble causes great harm.
Speaking of harm and making things cleaner,
I'd better take a powder, because here comes Schemer. [disappears]
How's my little pooch, huh?
[the dog barks at him]
[intimidated] Sheesh! Now, is that any way for him to treat his master?!
Respect works both ways.
All right. I'll show him some respect. [holds out a nickel] Here's a nickel!
[the dog barks at him again]
Now, why did he do that?!
I don't know. Maybe because you tied him up and you didn't take him for a walk. You didn't feed him. You didn't clean up after him.
Anything else?
You didn't play with him!
[looks at the new uniforms] Oh, boy, look at that.
TST. I like the sound of that.
Yeah. [looks at the back] "The Schemer Team"?
Well, Schemer did pay for the uniforms. [Mr. Conductor appears on his baseball bat]
Maybe they'll look better when they're on.
[Matt moves his bat, causing Mr. Conductor to fall on a mitt]
Mr. Conductor, are you okay?
Sorry, Mr. Conductor. I didn't see you there.
[gets back on his feet] Oh, that's all right, Matt. Yes, Kara. I'm as right as rain. I landed as a soft pop fly, you might say.
Weren't you supposed to be out playing baseball?
The game's not for a while yet.
And anyway, we're gonna lose.
Well, you certainly will with that attitude. Imagine if Thomas had felt like that in the story of a famous race against Bertie.
Did Thomas win?
Tell us, Mr. Conductor.
I will.
Schemer, you stole all our money!
What are you talkin' about? What money?
The one for Stacy's party, and you ate all our fudge.
Hey, I did not steal any money, and I did not eat any...
[Becky shows him the empty fudge box]
Frankly, I had a couple pieces. But eating the food gave me a good idea. See? Fruit cakes, made by my mommy, five cents apiece. [laughs]
Schemer, did you make Becky spend all her money?
No, I didn't.
Did too!
Did not!
Did too!
Did not!
Did too!
DID NOT!
Actually, he didn't.
See? I didn't. [to Becky] I didn't?
I guess I could've said no. But I just got carried away.
She could've said no, but she got carried away.
Did you know the fudge was for Stacy's party?
[exasperatedly] Stacy's party. Stacy's party! Who cares about Stacy's party? Some stupid party I wasn't invited to, anyway.
Oh, you do care, and you are invited.
I am?
He is?
Of course he is! [takes Schemer's fruit cake stand] But it wouldn't be much of a party without fruit cakes.
I don't think it matters on what we'll collect. All of it was not straw.
Straw?
Haven't I told about the time Percy ended up with a big straw collection and didn't want it? No? Well, then I'll tell you now. [blows whistle]
[after Mr. Conductor's story] I'm glad the forest has grown back.
Forests do that. Leaves do, too. But friendships-- They can't grow back once they're broken. That's why we always have to take care of them.
Tea sets don't grow at all.
[approaches with her newly-repaired teapot] But thank goodness for glue!
[notices the pot's cracks] But it's still cracked. I'm sorry. Next time you tell me not to touch something, I won't do it.
Apology accepted. But you know, besides, I like these cracks. It gives it character, and it makes me think of all of you.
Stacy, are you calling me a crackpot?!
Scoop! Where is this Scoop?! I'm lookin' for this nincompoop Scoop!
Mr. Mayor, here I am, Your Honor.
[holds out his newspaper] Are you the author of this journalistic gobbledygook?
The story on your campaign speech. Yes, sir. I wrote that.
[hands Scoop the paper] Well, go ahead and read it. Read it right now, right there.
[reads the article] "His Honor said that he was here tonight to talk garbage." Well?
Well, I said I was there to talk about garbage! Trash collections. Clean streets. Recycling.
Oh. Sorry.
Sorry? Well, what are you gonna do about it?
We'll print a retraction in tomorrow's paper. No problem.
[the two Mr. Conductors confront each other]
He's not me!
Yes, I am!
I'm much taller!
No, you're not!
You're fatter, though.
No, I'm not! We're the same!
We're not the same at all!
Yes, we are!
No, we're not!
Yes, we are!
I can prove it! That cutout fits my outline perfectly. It won't fit yours.
Will too!
Will not!
Will too!
Be my guest!
[the Evil Mr. Conductor runs over to the cut out space where he used to be a picture and lies down in it]
You'll see that I'm you, then you'll know that it's true.
[Mr. Conductor throws his magic dust on the Evil Mr. Conductor]
GOTCHA!
[the Evil Mr. Conductor turns back into a picture]
[Schemer sees the mayor approaching him and remembers something]
Hello, everyone, we got a special birthday announcement for the mayor; it's the mayor's birthday today...
No, it's not my birthday. It's my wife's birthday!
I'm sorry, it's his wife's birthday! Her name is Tuna Melt, and she's crispy on the outside, and she's soft on the inside. That's her name, and... [hands the mayor his microphone]
Her name is Twylene! Hello, Twylene, dear. It's me, Twylene, yes, your husband!
[with Stacy's personality] Oh, uh, uh, ah-ah, I'm-I'm sorry, Stacy. Do you have a moment?
[with Schemer's personality] Yeah, but not for you. [laughs like Schemer]
Well, I think that this would be an excellent time for us to be resetting our watch before Mr. King comes. Otherwise, we could be failing the inspection.
[gasps] Oooh! Oh!, Oh, oh! I'm so scared! Well, listen. I'm a busy woman. I've got an arcade to run here, and beside, I've got to polish my nickels.
[signs] Stacy, please. Please, take a watch today. Please, Stacy. Oh...
Stacy? Schemer? Schemer? Stacy?
You know, Becky, Midge has a great heart, but sometimes I wish she'd zip her lip.
[unbeknownst to him, the wishing star passes him]
[having seen all the disaster the star has caused] This is just one of those days I wish I'd stayed in bed.
[the star passes him; in an instant, he is in bed]
Well, I'm here to work. What's our first step?
Uh, your first step, Mr. Conductor, is to watch your step. That shelf hasn't been... [the shelf comes off, and Mr. Conductor slides down] ...nailed in.
Mr. Conductor, are you all right?
Alright?! I appear for work and fall off a shelf? I've had better jobs, I'll tell ya.
We'll see how tough you are after I tell my dumb uncle what happened. Then I can draw on the walls all I want.
[he stops and looks at Mr. King, who glares at him]
Oh, hello, Uncle J.B. I was just telling them about how well you run the railroad.
You're already in enough trouble, Buster. Don't make it worse by lying to me.
Oh, but whatever do you mean, Uncle J.B.? We were just having fun.
Buster, we'll talk about it later. [points to the exit] Wait for me outside.
[upset] I never get to have any fun. [points at Dan] It's all his fault!
Outside!
[Buster exits the station]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
