Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I smell a story here.
[he takes a sniff, then groans in disgust and covers his nose]
[offers a clothespin] Oh, Mr. Typo! Here.
[Typo places the pin on his nose and exhales sharply]
Oh, that's much better.
Yeah, the garbage train outside has no place to go.
"Garbage Dump Opens at Shining Time Station"!
No, no, no, Mr. Typo! We've got to figure something out.
That robot is fallen in love with jukebox! [whines]
Schemer! Oh, you can't be serious.
I know that Robby's just a machine, but it is sort of like he has real feelings.
And all Schemer does is hurt his feelings.
Everyone has something special to offer, but you never know it unless you give them a chance to show you.
Ginny, please, just try to calm down and tell us what happened.
Well, you know my dog.
Yes. The one you renamed Mr. Filthy?
Well, this time, he's really gone and done it. I took the turkey outta the oven, and he's lookin' at it like a pointer. And I thought: "That's kinda cute", when all of a sudden, he lunged, attacked, ran out the back door with it and tore it to shreds! [frets] And now, I don't have a turkey.
Mr. Filthy is a bad dog.
From now on, his new name is Mr. Get-Outta-There. What am I gonna do? My nephew and his wife are comin' for dinner.
You know something? There's a place in Dillylick that has pre-cooked turkeys, and I'm sure they're open for at least another half an hour.
I can't make it to Dillylick.
You could if I took you there.
You'd do that for me?!
Sure.
[sets to leave] Oh, come on. Let's go. Time's a-wastin'!
Stacy, we're not going camping in the rain, are we?
No. I think we're gonna have to camp out in the station tonight.
[laughs] Camp out in the station. Talk about survival!
Well, what are you gonna do? You haven't packed any sleeping bags or blankets.
No food, no lanterns.
No raincoats, no flashlights.
[through his bullhorn] Who cares? Real men know how to survive in the w--
[Stacy stuffs something in Schemer's bullhorn; Schemer lowers it]
Real men know how to survive in the woods using their basic instincts. For example, if we get hungry, we'll just eat bugs and bees and bark like the bears do. And if it starts raining, why we'll just build a log cabin. In short, Miss Jones, we'll be living off the land like that great American frontiersman: Pat Boone.
[Ginny exposes a cowering Schemer to Stacy and the children]
Okay, I admit it! I admit it! I don't know anything about camping! But please! Please! Please keep that mountain lion away from me!
Mountain lion? There are no mountain lions in this neck of the woods.
Yes, there are! It's a mountain lion! It had a big furry tail, and little eyes, and little tiny legs, and... [imitates chomping] Chompin' on nuts.
Oh, Schemer. That does not sound like a mountain lion. To me, it sounds like a squirrel.
A squirrel? [calms down] Well, it sure looked like a mountain lion.
Okay, Schemer. Why don't you come here and sit down with us? We'll get you dry, get you something to eat.
Oh, no, no. I don't want anymore food. I'm too full. I think I ate too many sandwiches.
Hey, Schemer, how'd you get out of the creek?
Gettin' outta the creek was easy. Gettin' outta the swamp-- Now, that was hard! I pulled myself up by this branch, but then it got really scary and everything, 'cause it was dark, and I was... [sobs hysterically] I thought I was a goner, and then that was it. I thought I'd never see Schemer again. But then I heard this little whistle.
A little whistle?
[she notices Mr. Conductor holding up his whistle before he disappears]
Yeah. It was like this little whistle, and I didn't know where the heck the sound came from. So I start following the sound of this little whistle, I'm going through the woods, and all of a sudden, here I am at Shining Time Station. But I was kind of afraid to come in, because I kinda thought that the kids wouldn't wanna see the old Schemer again.
Well, Schemer, it sounds like you learned your lesson the hard way.
Yeah. Never go campin' without my mommy. I'm a failure.
You have to go back now. You promised.
I won't go back! Not this time! A broken promise is not a crime.
Well, then, I'll tell on you.
Tell. Go ahead. They'll just get angry and sent you to bed.
Stick him quick! He'll get away!
Wait! I'm me! He's not!
Stick him with that gluey pot!
Which one of you's Mr. Conductor?!
ME!
ME!
Your whistle!
My whistle?!
My whistle!
[the evil Mr. Conductor blows his whistle, which sounds like it used to be for the real one's whistle, and the real Mr. Conductor blows his whistle, which is still at its low toot from earlier; Kara pours the glue on the evil Mr. Conductor]
NO!!!!
[he turns back into a picture]
YES! Thank you, Kara. If you hadn't recognized my whistle, we'd have never gotten out of this mess!
[after finding out Schemee took his technique too far] Come on. He's just a child, and he's my nephew. I don't think it's appropriate that you punish him.
Why not?
Because I'm going to.
[after Schemee's bad luck scam has been exposed]
I am so disappointed!
Because it wasn't bad spirits? Only Schemee?
Exactly. I was having such a good time with all the bad spirits.
But, Midge, there were spirits! I heard them!
Oh, just save it, Doris--! Come on! --For the clap trap of next Friday's meeting of the ladies' auxiliary.
[notices the wet floor] Very wet here.
[she and Midge leave the station]
Tell me, do I know you?
Of course you know me. I'm your nephew, Dan.
Oh, hi. Nice to meet you, Dan.
[they shake hands as Mr. Conductor appears]
Hi, Dan. Hello, Stacy. [Stacy looks at him]
[shrieks] A little man! [hides behind the information desk]
Aunt Stacy, come back! It's only Mr. Conductor!
[Mr. Conductor disappears, then reappears on the information desk; Stacy reacts]
You don't have to be afraid of me. My name is Mr. Conductor, and I've known you since you were Dan's age. I knew your parents when they were Dan's age. I live here in the signal house on that mural.
[Schemer, disguised as his attorney, approaches Stacy just after she has recovered from her amnesia]
Ah! Ah, Ma'am. Uh, Ma'am, uh, there you are. My client, Mr. Schemer, is hoping that you could re-sign this.
Yes, uh,... Your client? Ma'am? Since when do you call me ma'am?!
Uh, it's just a little joke, Jonesy,-- Miss Ma'am,-- Miss Jones.
Yeah, and it's also important to remember who your friends aren't! Who would take advantage of someone for their own, low, mean-spirited personal gains?!
[she removes Schemer's disguise]
Ouch.
[wincing, he sets off]
Uh, I take it that means you are declining my client's offer?
[Stacy ignores him; Schemer shrugs and leaves]
Ladies and gentlemen, cast and friends, Shining Time Station is proud to present... Oh. Mr. Conductor, what's your title?
Producer/director.
No, no, no, no. I mean, the title of the movie.
Oh. A Little Light Madness.
...Proud to present, A Little Light Madness, starring... starring everyone.
Can you believe Schemer? He thinks today's April Fools Day, just 'cause the kids changed the date on the calendar.
And because he's out to trick everyone, he thinks everyone's out to trick him.
Maybe one of us oughta tell Schemer he's makin' a mistake, Tex.
Go right ahead, Rex.
[in unison] Not! [laugh]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
