The name is Osgood Bob Flopdinger. I'm the mayor of East Shemp. And I'm looking for a man called Schemer. I never saw him before, but I know his voice. Have you seen him?
[Stacy notices Schemer directly behind the mayor and turns the mayor around to distract him while Schemer goes into hiding elsewhere]
Oh. Mayor Flopdinger! We spoke on the phone earlier.
Earlier than who?! [calmly] Never mind. The point is this. Have you tried that sandwich spread of his?
Well, then I don't have to tell you that this stuff is inedible by man nor beast. My shaving cream tastes better than this.
I'll tell Schemer you stopped by.
Thank you very much. And tell Mr. Schemer that if he doesn't have a new, improved version of his sandwich spread in time for lunch, he's in big trouble! And not only with me, but also with every one of the Friends of the Flowering Cactus Ladies' Auxiliary. And that's not funny. Believe me, I speak from experience.
Now, I think it is getting time for me to leave.
Not yet. Please, not yet.
Now, let me tell you both something. [removes his hat and dries his forehead with his handkerchief] No matter what happens, we will always be friends.
It's a promise! Good-bye, now. Good-bye. [leaves]
Wait! You forgot your hat.
It's too late. Now he's gone forever.
[on the phone] Hello? Shining Time Station. Stacy Jones speaking. Oh, hi, Claire. Oh, you want to bring Vickie here this afternoon?
[Matt and Tanya quietly make signals of objection]
Oh, sure, no problem. Okay. Glad to be of some help. I'll see you in a little bit. [hangs up; to the children] What is your problem?!
Yes, she is. She's mean and nasty and selfish and rude.
Okay, okay, okay. Now, come on. Nobody can be that bad.
MTMatt and Tanya
Vickie can!
Oh, now come on, you guys. She must have some good qualities. Think about it.
Well, both her eyes are the same color.
She never threw up on me.
Well, she does have a pretty good singing voice.
Great! Then you can sing carols together.
No. She never does anything you tell her to.
Yeah, and she never smiles, even when you say something funny to her.
All right. Listen, you guys. I told her mother that she can come here and play, so I want you to be nice to her, okay?
Will Santa know we've been nice?
Oh, yeah. Santa will know, and so will Vickie. I hope.
Dear Cousin Dan, I can't wait for you to get here. Shining Time Station is busier than ever.
Dear Cousin Kara, guess what? Our grandfather Harry was transferred to Fort Farley, so Shining Time Station has a new engineer. His name is Billy Twofeathers.
But Schemer is still Schemer, and you know what that means. And Aunt Stacy's fine, and she's really happy running the station. A man named Mr. Nicholas came to visit us at Christmas time. Mr. Nicholas needed help at his workshop, so when he went back to his home at the North Pole, Mr. Conductor went along with him.
But then, Mr. Conductor's cousin arrived. There's always a Mr. Conductor living here, or else it wouldn't be Shining Time Station. See you on Halloween. Love, Tanya.
When you get here. Your cousin, Matt.
Tanya Lasanya and Matt the Hatt!
[Dan and Kara notice him]
Look, it's Mr. Conductor!
[Mr. Conductor disappears]
No. You're imagining me. I'm not really here.
Wait, don't be afraid of us. Harry's my grandfather and Tanya's my cousin. They told me all about Thomas and the other trains.
Hey, I'm Dan Jones. Stacy's my aunt, and she told me all about your stories and your magic.
[Mr. Conductor reappears]
You mean you like stories, trains, and magic? Well, you've come to the right place! Let me properly introduce myself. Mr. Conductor, at your service.
What, may I ask, is the meaning of this?
[sleepily] Do be a love and scratch my foot, won't you? [notices Mr. King] Ah, hello, J.B. [suddenly reacts and is now wide awake] Mr. J.B. King, Esq., exalted head. The meaning of this! Yes. Uh, ah, yes. The meaning of this is that it is a managerial retreat. Yes. It's especially restful for important business-type people like yourself and I.
Put a sock in it, Schemer!!
[in the opening act of the show] The Scheme Master right here would like to tell you a little comic riddle. [laughs] It's a killer. Okay. All right, listen, here it is. [laughs again] I love this. What is green,... [quietly] Green. [continues] ...has six legs,... [under his breath] Six legs. [finishes] ...and if it drops out of a tree on your head, it'll squish you like a bug? [laughs] Okay. Nobody can guess? I'll hafta tell ya, then.
[raises her hand] I know! A pool table.
[everyone else applauds]
Well, thank you very much, Miss Smartypants-Know-It-All.
[Dan raises his hand]
Doesn't she win anything?
No! This isn't a game show! I'm not givin' away money! I'm tryin' to do some jokes here! Come on, people! Sit up straight, pay attention, and let's start to laugh at Schemer! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! I'm workin' hard up here!
Hiya, Barton! How was the race?
WWinslow
It was totally ... You should've seen me. I was out at the starting gate like greased lightning, way ahead of the pack. Well, there was one cat just ahead of me. I poured on the speed. And there we were, rounding the last bend neck and neck, and then wailing down toward the finish line! I gunned it! He gunned it! Engines roared! [imitates engines roaring] What a cat! He took me! [calmly] I lost.
[Midge and a group of women form a picket in front of Schemer and Schemee's stand]
All right, ladies. Just keep going around in a circle.
Don't you dare "Midge Smoot" me! Why, you're lucky my dog is better. After eating two of your cookies, he was sick all afternoon.
