My name is Lucy MacLean, and I’m an active contributor to the wellbeing of my community. Repair Skills. I enjoy participating in the Young Pipefitter’s Association, which keeps me active. Science Skills. Obviously, mine are nothing compared to my dad’s, but I always relish a challenge. Speech Skills. My primary passion is teaching American History, with a focus on ethics. I also participate in Gymnastics Club, Fencing Team C... Intermediate Phys Ed... and I dabble in Riflery. Though I’m not very good. In my personal time, I enjoy taking walks and watching movies with my dad, gardening… also with my dad... and participating in my family book club. We’re still trying to get my brother on board. He’ll come around when he’s ready. My reproductive organs are intact. My hygiene well maintained, and yet, I have been unable to find a suitable marriage partner. At least one I’m not related to. And we have rules about that for a reason. So, it is with sound mind and body that I hereby submit my application to the council to participate in the Triennial Trade with Vault 32.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[To Chet before opening the door to Vault 32 to meet her future husband] Chet, what’s going on?
Lucy, I love you.
We all know that, Chet. Messing around with your cousin, it’s all well and good for kids, but it’s not sustainable for long-term sexual practice, you know?
[To bounty hunters right after being unearthed from grave] Well, well, well. Why, is this an Amish production of The Count of Monte Cristo... or the weirdest circle jerk I’ve ever been invited to?
A feral ghoul can't abide a chicken. If he goes for her, we kill him.
You are a vault dweller, but if you're going to survive, you need to start acting like a surface dweller. Question is, will you still want the same things when you have become a different animal altogether?
[To Maximus after Maximus saved him from a farmer] You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman. You should be commended.
[To Maximus] I’m sorry, okay? Don’t- don’t murder me. It’s just... The guy was fucking my chickens.
[Maximus pauses awkwardly]
Okay. On your way, citizen.
[After Lucy shot him with a tranquilizer gun] Well, now, that is a very small drop in a very, very large bucket of drugs.
[To Lucy after taking a cyanide pill] Vault-Tec Plan D. It was the most humane product that Vault-Tec ever made. It was quick, painless. T-Tasted like banana. I- I was surprised it wasn’t more popular.
Well, I'd say come up here and get me, but it's hard to walk upstairs when you're wearing a 12 piece cast-iron skillet set.
You know, there was a time when they did studies on all kinds of things. Hell, you couldn't open a newspaper without readin' some kind of survey or another. Well, one of them things they studied was whether torturin' somebody actually gets anything useful. You don't need no studies to know that. You don't learn anything from torturing somebody.
Then-why are you doing this?
Well, I'm not torturing you, sweetheart. I'm usin' you as bait. [Kicks Lucy back into the lake]
[To Ghoul] You can’t treat people like this.
Yeah? Why’s that?
Because of the golden rule. “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”
Yeah, well, the Wasteland’s got its own golden rule.
Oh? What’s that?
Thou shalt get sidetracked by bullshit every goddamn time.
[Repeatedly] My name is Roger.
Hey, Rog.
[Laughs] Hey. Hey. Fancy seeing you out here. You out for that bounty, too, huh?
Yep. [Roger snarls and wails] Oh, shit. How you feeling?
Oh... you know... it’s hard out here. Dang smoothies can be so unkind. [Pants] I see you got a smoothie of your own. [Snarls]
You’re turning.
[Grunts] Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. [Chuckles] Hey, you- you don’t happen to have any vials, do you? [Sniffles] Just one little puff and I’ll be back on my feet. You know I’m good for it.
I’m sorry, Roger. I’m all out.
That’s okay. That’s okay. Though, um, you and your smooth-faced friend, you, um... might want to clear out... before things get ugly. [Snarls] I did okay. Twenty-eight years since I first started showing. [Yells] Oh, hell. [Grunts] Not as long as you, though. You’ve outlasted us all. How long since you first started wastelanding?
A long time.
That’s a lot of vials.
Well, I’ve always been good at making money, Roger. [Exhales] Say...you remember how good food used to taste?
Yeah...BlamCo Mac & Cheese!
Ice cream and apple pie!
Apple pie! [Laughs] Hot damn. Apple pie. You know, my mom used to — [The Ghoul shoots Roger in the head]
Wait... why’d you do that?! He was sick! [The Ghoul flips Roger's body over, reaches for orthodontics tools and pulls out a tooth from Roger] Stop! Stop, stop! Please! I... No, I know it’s hard up here, but you don’t... you don’t have... you don’t have to resort to... to...
What’d you say your name was?
Lucy MacLean.
MacLean? Huh. Well, Lucy MacLean, it ain’t all canned peaches and marmalade left up here, sweetheart. Sometimes a fella’s got to eat a fella.
You know, my vault has endured hardship, too. In the Great Plague of ’77, everyone had to quarantine, they couldn’t work the farms together. People starved. My mother included. My dad dropped to 128 pounds, and he still refused to do anything like this. [The Ghoul laughs] What? What’s so funny?
Well, there’s what people say they did and what they really did. I’ll bet your daddy was first in line at the cookout. I bet he had a bib with a drawing of his neighbor’s ass on there.
How do you live like this?! Why keep going?!
Well, one good question deserves another. Why the fuck am I doing all the work? Now come on, Vaultie. Ass jerky don't make itself.
There you are. Thought you might be up here. Made pie if you’d like a piece. I was there the first time that you tried rhubarb pie and ice cream. You sure did like pie that day.
You came here to talk to me about what I said at the assembly.
And why do you think that is?
It upset people.
You don’t like it when people get upset.
But you do?
You’re not the only one that feels the absence of your father. People here are hurting. Disoriented. And with your sister gone, you’re the last standing MacLean. Your voice carries more weight than you might realize.
I hid. During the raid, I got in a storage space and I hid.
Does that make you angry?
Why does it matter?
Regular boys... can get angry and they’ll just pee on the wall. When clever boys like you are angry... Hmm. You’re lucky not to have seen where that can lead. Just tread lightly. That’s all I ask.
[Lucy dives into rain bucket drinking up] Now you’re getting it. How does that Golden Rule jibe with what’s going through your head right now?
What are you?
Oh, I’m you, sweetie. You just give it a little time. [Lucy runs away with The Ghoul] Where you think you going? You ain’t going nowhere. There you are, you little killer.
[The Ghoul cuts off her right hand index finger] Aah!
Now, that right there is the closest thing we’ve had to an honest exchange so far.
[Speaking into intercom] Transaction.
Yes?
Two-month supply of vials. Exchange one female. Mint condition. [Turns off intercom, glances at Lucy, then turns on intercom] Near mint condition.
Condition grading requires physical evaluation. Please send her in.
What’s in there?
You’re about to find out.
You’re selling me?
You got problems out here, too, sweetheart. Best you try your luck behind that door. Go on.
Welcome.
What the fudge?
Fudge? There’s no fudge here. Only a General Atomics International Mark 4. That’s what I am. You seem to be a woman.
Please, sir, my name is Lucy MacLean. My dad’s been taken and I- I- I’ve been kidnapped. [Stammers] He’s right outside.
I say, you’ve lost a finger. Ah, that won’t do at all. Let’s get you taken care of. Follow me. Okay. Apologies for the mess. Time flies by lately. Especially since my temporal sensors went out in the Great War. That must have been a week ago, at least. Would you mind taking a seat on that gurney in front of you? Now, what have we here? [Opens drawer to select severed fingers] Too fat, too withered. Ah, this one’ll do it. Eh, you’re lucky I don’t have to use a thumb. Our finger inventory’s in a sorry state. Now, if you give me your hand... Okay, you’re going to feel a slight pinch. [Sews finger onto her hand]
Thank you.
I say.
I really do appreciate this. But listen, a big fish ate my head, and I need my head to get back to my dad...
There now. That’s much better, isn’t it?
Thank you, that… Not a problem. That feels really, really nice.
Now, would you prefer a dressing of high-quality synthetic fibers, classic cotton, or a comforting synthetic-cotton blend?
You have... real cotton?
Of course. Don’t you?
[Sighs softly] Thank you. You know, that... that creature that brought me here, he...
You seem unhappy.
He did not treat me very courteously.
Really?
When I pointed out that he wasn’t following the Golden Rule, he put a leash around my neck and he made me drink from puddle water that I’m pretty sure was just some kind of animal pee.
Well, that is interesting.
And I thought I was here to be a sex slave.
What?! No! What a disgusting idea! [Chuckles] I’m simply going to harvest your organs.
Huh? [Snip-Snip shoots Lucy with a tranquilizer dart, knocking her out]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.