SSSnip Snip
[Wheeling Lucy past the two dopehead supervisors on couch watching TV] Pardon the interruption. Our latest arrival has arrived.
SSquirrel
Oh, shit. What are they asking, Snip Snip?
SSquirrel
[Looks into box] We can do 60.
SSquirrel
Oh, do her now so she’s ready for the next pickup.
SSSnip Snip
Excellent idea as always, sir.
SSquirrel
Thanks, Snip Snip.
SSSnip Snip
Do excuse me.
...
SSSnip Snip
[Wheeling Lucy] Where are you from again? [Lucy groans] Never been there myself. Hope to go there someday soon. Here we are. Let’s get on with it, shall we? We don’t want to keep your associate waiting.
Sir, you can’t do this. Please, I need my organs.
SSSnip Snip
Now, don’t be afraid. A little snip-snip and it will all be over. Hold still now. This won’t hurt a bit. Excuse me. [Lucy kicks Snip-Snip's saw and then uses defribrillation paddles to shock Snip-Snip with it emitting garbled, overlapping phrases] There’s no fudge here. I am ever-ready to serve... to serve... to serve. [Appears to Squirrel and Huey watching TV with Snip-Snip] Do what I say and Snip-Snip doesn't get hurt!
[Squirrel and Huey stare blankly at Lucy]
SSquirrel
...It's a fuckin' robot.
HHuey
Yeah, you might as well be holding an air conditioner hostage.
SSquirrel
Well, an air conditioner would be a big deal, but you know what I mean.
HHuey
Totally. The question was, does she know what you mean?
Yeah. I think I do. That’s why I put Abraxo Draining Fluid in his syringes. Snip Snip, tell them what Abraxo does to the human body.
SSSnip Snip
If you’ve got a c- c- clog that’s full of muck, trust Abraxo Draining Fluid t- t- to get it unstuck. It’s v- v- very poisonous.
SSquirrel
Okay, you can walk out of here.
Not just me. Them, too. [Squirrel presses button and row of cages open freeing Ghouls]
SSquirrel
Lady, those-those ones, you don’t understand... [Lucy fires dart in between Squirrel and Huey] Whoa. [Squirrel presses button and another row of cages open]
Don’t be scared. You’re free. Go. [Latter freed Ghouls attack Squirrel and Huey killing them]
I thought I had it. I thought I had it, I really did. I thought I had it. It was just like… [Mimics whooshing with Maximus laughing] When you ripped that thing inside out and its guts went flying everywhere? I thought I was dead meat. That was really special.
[Distortedly] Yeah, it was kind of special.
Wait. You should brand me.
But I- I’m not officially your squire until you brand me.
Are you sure? It really hurts.
I want you to. I want you to. Please.
All right. Yeah, let’s do it.
It is your most sacred duty to protect the Brotherhood. After which, it is your most sacred duty to protect me, Knight Titus. Do you accept?
Oh, yeah. You bet I do. [Chuckles] Okay, hold still. [Sears Thaddeus's back with hot metal who screams and Maximus chuckles] Almost done.
[Laughs] Oh... Oh, man. [groans] Still pretty hot. Ah, thank you, Knight Titus.
I cannot wait to return to base and see the look on everyone’s faces when they see us return with the target. Oh, man. Titus and Thaddeus. The T-Boys! Yeah. [Exhales]
Hey, look, uh... before we go back to the... [chuckles] to the base... there’s probably something I... I- I should tell you.
Yeah. I mean, whatever you want. I’m officially your squire now. You can tell me anything. Goals, insecurities, thoughts, regrets. Love life stuff? I don’t care.
Actually, it’s, uh... [lifts visor] Maximus.
Uh- Uh, we can still be friends.
What did you do? Where’s Knight Titus?
Oh, he’s... he’s dead. So, you know... we... you and I, we- we just have to get our story straight before we go back.
No, I mean, they don’t have to find out.
It’s the Brotherhood! They’ll find out! I should have known better than to trust you!
I’m sorry. [Steps on Thaddeus's foot to restrain him] Stop moving!
[Grunts] Get off me! [takes the fusion core, shutting down Maximus' power armor]
Thadd... Thaddeus. No, don’t.. Don’t leave me in here. I’ll fucking kill you, Thaddeus!
You should have! Can’t believe I let you fucking brand me!
Thaddeus?! Don’t leave me here!
[Grabs Siggi Wilzig's head] This stinky old head’s mine now! [Walks away with duffel bag]
No! Get back here. Please. Please, please, no. Don’t leave me in here. Thaddeus! Get back here. Thaddeus! I’ll kill you! I swear I’ll kill you!
[After Lucy eradicates mutant cockroaches off his suit] Hey. Can you please let me out of here?
[Gasps] That was you, right? Back in Filly?
Yes, that was... that was me.
‘Cause someone stole my fusion core. Please, c- can you please let me out?
Believe me, I really want to trust you, but... I’ve had a rough week.
You, uh, remember that, uh, man I left with, with the glasses and the wh-whole body?
Yeah, I’m looking for his head. That’s why I’m here, that’s, um... I mean, that’s why I’m passing through. [Grunts]
Hey. You have radiation sickness. I got, I got RadAway left in the sleeve of my armor. You can have it if you let me out. [panting]
I really want to believe you, but... practically every person I’ve met up here has tried to kill me, so...
Listen. Hey. You don’t get this medicine, you’re gonna pass out. Okay? And if you lose consciousness, we’re both gonna die. Trust me, please.
Please. What’s your name?
There’s a manual option, you just...
I got it. [Observing Maximus's mobile battle suit] The T-60, right? The Army started using these after the Battle of Anchorage. I’ve seen these in old engineering manuals but never in real life. And you’ve even got the tempered lining in this one, which is... [Lucy passes out with Maximus catching her]
DDavey
[Turns to see Reg in a voting booth line up] I’m sorry, Reg. I just feel that in times of crisis... you need someone with experience.
Hey, it’s your vote. No hard feelings, Davey.
DDavey
Yeah. [Turns around then back again] You know, with the water crisis and the prisoners a- and just all the uncertainty...
Really, it’s fine. We vote in private booths for a reason.
DDavey
Right. [Turns around then back again pointing with voter card] And Betty’s already been overseer once.
Mm. [Motions to Davey for his turn at voting booth] Oh.
DDavey
I’m gonna vote for Betty.
[Walking along train tracks] At this rate, we’ll have caught up by sundown. Hey, can I ask you a favor?
Can you tell me what’s happened in the last 200 years?
Just the last 200 years. Like a- a quick rundown. I know about the Great War and the bombs falling, and the 320 years of American history before then. I just need help with the last 200 years. After the bombs fell.
The bombs fell when I was a kid.
Is that what they tell you in your Brotherhood?
You’re the one who grew up in a box underground. Also, you thought you would show up to some warlord with no armor, no help, and expect him to just turn over a hostage to you? Did you really think that that would work?
Yeah, but we don’t even know what’s in it.
That’s true. Look, I... I come from a place where the world is what you make of it. Okay? It’s not like up here. We’re naive down there. Up until I was six, I really thought that the big light on our farm was the sun. My mom used to take me to play out under that light, and I swear I could feel the sun baking my skin. After my mom was gone, I realized it was just her that made it all feel so real. So, like, Earth is round, Earth is flat. Where are you guys on that these days? So, you guys use prewar technology to find and collect prewar technology to make sure no one has prewar technology?
I mean... [chuckles] yeah.
Well, when you say it like that, I mean, yeah, it’s... [Maximus spots a couple walking onwards on train track and Lucy laughs] it’s weird. [Lucy realizes what Maximus is staring at]
Yes, we are. Are you armed?
We’re just gonna walk on by. That okay with you?
[Quietly] Give me your gun.
Rink; Okay, we’re walking towards you.
There’s no one here but us and them.
It’s not safe. Give me your gun.
They said they’re not armed.
They’re lying. You’re lying.
JJavin
What’s happening over there?
Yeah, we’re just being careful. You can come on through.
RRink
Are you trying to fuck us?
Okay, uh, I think we’re all feeling some tension. Yeah? A little stress? [nervous chuckle] Uh, so why don’t we all take a deep breath? [Nervously chuckles]
JJavin
What the fuck are you talking about?!
[Deeply exhales] Oh, okay, uh... we’re gonna do this. Um... How about on the count of three we all raise up our arms?
JJavin
We already said we don’t have any weapons.
Well, either way, could we... could we just give it a try? Please? Okay. Great. Uh, hands up on the count of three. Ready? One... Two... Three. [The couple attempts to shoot them with Maximus grabbing Lucy's gun finishing off both of them] Wh- Why?!
[Lifts up their jackets to find knives] Fiends. Should’ve known.
[Panting] You’ve been shot.
It’s just a scratch. Happens all the time.
It’s people who eat people.
[To Lucy] You smell good.
What? Oh. You want to have sex?
I don’t know. Uh, that weird thing could happen.
Well, it’s just, for some guys... not me... uh, but for some guys, you know, when they make it move, it gets all big and hard like a big pimple and then it pops. And they say it can happen to anybody, but it’s still, it’s... it’s gross.
You know, that’s... uh, that’s actually completely normal. It happens all the time. Every time, ideally.
I’m a knight. Um, a knight of the Brotherhood. We’re- we’re not supposed to.
Titus?! We need to talk...
You were right about this place.
TTitus
No. You were right. Check this out. These are called oysters. You want one? They make you feel so good. You want to make my cock explode now?
TTitus
Sorry, intercourse?
No, Titus. No, we need to leave. Right now. These people are insane.
TTitus
Yeah, they’re like you. A little weird, but nice.
TTitus
Plus, my arm. You know, I really... I ought to give it a little more time.
Okay. Titus, look, I get why you’d want to stay. Okay? I really do, I… I know this must all seem really nice compared to the-the shoot show that’s up there. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to go back on our deal and- and just be somewhere that is good and safe. But this isn’t it.
TTitus
They gave me a robe.
These people are hiding something from us and I’m gonna prove it to you, okay? I’m not leaving without you.
[Sneaks up and hugs Barb from behind]
Oh, how ’bout we clock out?
Huh? Nothing against these colleagues of yours, but what do you say you and me knock back a couple of piña coladas by the pool, listen to the hi-fi.
Mm. There is a wrap party.
What, a... a wrap party? For this?
[Sighs] All right. We go for a couple of hours, we shake a few hands…
[Sighs] The things I’m willing to do for you never cease to amaze me.
WWaitress
Would you mind, you know, doing the butler voice? From the show?
SLSebastian Leslie
All right. I only do it for close friends and beautiful women, but you two are already halfway there.
WWaitresses
[Laughs] Stop it.
SLSebastian Leslie
“I, Bartholomew Codsworth, am ever ready to serve.” [Sebastian laughs] Perhaps when you finish your shift, we could head up and party in the hot tub. What do you think of that?
WWaitresses
Oh, no, no. No, thank you.
SLSebastian Leslie
No? [Mutters] Okay. All right. Excuse me. Your wine.
Well, shit, Seabass. You might be the only one of my invites who actually showed up.
SLSebastian Leslie
[Laughs] Yeah. Fucking Hollywood Reds. I’m telling you, radicalism is sweeping through Hollywood like a bad case of the clap. Not our usual scene, I’ll give you that.
No, it is not. I think our Hollywood actor friends don’t want to be seen celebrating with the pitchman for the end of the world.
SLSebastian Leslie
Oh, you don’t know the half of it. You hear I lost a movie over these ads? Yeah, showed up to set, the actors wouldn’t come out of their trailers. Bonnie Lewis said it was on moral grounds.
SLSebastian Leslie
She’s done more ads than a fucking billboard.
SLSebastian Leslie
Fucking Hollywood Reds. I’m telling you, radicalism is sweeping through Hollywood like a bad case of the clap. Even got your friend, Charlie Whiteknife.
Are you kidding me? Charlie? I served with that guy.
SLSebastian Leslie
They have meetings and everything. It’s a shit show. But you, my friend, you know which way the wind is blowing.
And it’s that... a world run by people who wear pocket protectors to a pool party.
NNerd
...about delivery platforms.
SLSebastian Leslie
Yeah, you might be right about that. I mean, I’ve dipped my bits in the same gravy train. Sold my vocal rights to that spinning robot they sell to housewives and perverts. Guess how much they paid me for that.
SLSebastian Leslie
No, I got 186, pre-tax.
Maybe you could’ve asked for more.
SLSebastian Leslie
Well, I did ask for more.
SLSebastian Leslie
My agent got them to throw in one of those robots. [Laughs] The fuck were they thinking? Every time I walk into my own house, my own voice saying, “Hello, sir, do you want to sit down?” [Laughs] It’s fucking awful!
I thought the studio owned that character.
SLSebastian Leslie
They did. And then RobCo bought the studio.
SLSebastian Leslie
Listen to me, Hollywood is the past. Forget Hollywood. The future, my friend, is products. You're a product. I'm a product. The end of the world is a product. And for those of us who can successfully embrace that, I'd say the future is golden.
[Holds out glass] To the future.
SLSebastian Leslie
[Clinks glass] To the future.
It doesn't get any better than this.
Nope, it does not. [cautiously] You ever...think about working somewhere else?
I used to. But with you doing these ads, it's practically the family business. Maybe we can get Janey a job in payroll when she's 15.
I think about it. Quitting showbiz. Buying us a ranch up in Bakersfield. Go back to being a real cowboy again.
You would look pretty? And help me raise chickens?
You would look very good in a pair of overalls.
[getting out of the hot tub] What's gotten into you?
A gin martini. [sighs] I don't know. Maybe I've been reading too much news lately. Got me second-guessing the whole city life.
[Barb starts getting dressed. Cooper watches her put on a Pipboy, suspicious.]
Oh come on, you've seen these around.
Bud Askins. He licensed these from RobCo. We're integrating them with the Vault-Tec access systems.
[rolls his eyes] Bud Askins.
Bud Askins. Trust me, I know. The company's filled with guys like him. But Vault-Tec exists, with or without me. Doesn't do anyone any good to complain from the sidelines.
All I'm saying is, we've got one life. Do you really want to spend your nine-to-five working with these assholes?
I need this job, Coop. It guarantees us a spot in one of the Vaults.
We got money. We can buy a spot in one of the Vaults...
[taken aback] What's that supposed to mean?
I...I'm doing what I can. Just trust me. Please?
Do you know what "fiduciary responsibility" means?
"Fiduciary responsibility?" No. I have no fucking idea. I play a cowboy for a living.
Okay. So, the US Government has outsourced the survival of the human race to Vault-Tec. Vault-Tec is a private corporation that has a fiduciary responsibility to make money for its investors. And how does it make money? By selling Vaults.
That's called "capitalism," Charlie.
But they can't sell Vaults if these peace negotiations go through. So, Vault-Tec has a fiduciary responsibility to make sure that it don't work out.
[scoffs] Yeah? How are they gonna do that?
I don't know. But...do you remember that movie we did with Johnny Morton? You were the Sheriff, and I was some generic Indian?
Hey come on, don't say that. Tallhand Mudlake could talk to horses. You played him with grace and dignity. It was a great role for you!
Morton played a rancher who owned half of Missouri. And what happens when the cattle ranchers have more power than the Sheriff?
The whole town burns down.
The whole town burns down. Right. Vault-Tec is a trillion-dollar company that owns half of everything, and after ten years of war the US Government is broker than a joke. The cattle ranchers are in charge, Coop. Unless the People do something about it.
I guess everything's a conspiracy, right? Come on man, you sound like you're in a cult.
And you're sitting here defending a system that's ready to set the world on fire, Cooper. Maybe you're the one in the cult.
It's going to be hard on her, that's all.
You know. "No Dogs in the Vault."
"No Dogs in the Vault." Says who?
Well, that's just...that's the policy. You know, dogs eat meat. It's an avoidable inefficiency.
Yeah...that's not really the question, is it? All I'm asking is, who decided there were were no dogs in the Vault?
Well I think that is a relatively trivial concern, given the prerequisite conditions of us living in a nuclear fallout shelter.
You know, I'm not sure that it is, to be quite honest. [Barb sighs] I'm serious! Who makes the rules? Because "No Dogs Allowed," that is a new rule! Somebody decided that and didn't share it with fucking anyone! I mean, what else do you have in store for us? Are the blue jumpsuits mandatory? What if I don't want to wear a blue one? What if I want to wear a green one?
So the Bomb falls and you want to know about your wardrobe?
No, I want to know about my freedom! I didn't go to war defending that freedom so I could live in a cellar under the bootheel of Chairman Bud Askins.
While you were away at war, I stayed home.
I was checking the mail every day...
I was waiting by the phone every night, and every night I was driving myself crazy imagining the worst. So you do not need to tell me how bad war is, Coop. Every day I go into work, and I think about how humanity can survive a nuclear event that will wipe out 90% of life on earth. And I come home, and you're talking to me about hiding out on a ranch up in Bakersfield? I don't even know what planet you're on sometimes, Coop! But when the bombs drop, a two-hour drive ain't gonna cut it! So yes, there will be no dogs in the Vault, and no, none of it is ideal. But if billions of people are going to lose their lives, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that the people I love - and that is you and that is Janey - aren't among them. I have worked hard to make sure we go into a special Vault for Management. Where we will oversee all the other Vaults. [Cooper looks at her with disapproval] You don't get it! That is the best we can possibly hope for! For Janey.
