Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Hey, you cereal mascot dickbag! Toot Braunstein is gonna destroy you and the entire cereal empire with these special UPC codes!
There's nothing special about UPC Codes. Why, they're everywhere! And have been since 1971. First suggested by Wallace Flint in 1922, the Uniform Product Code or "UPC" was developed–[an annoyed Captain Hero hits him on the head] I like to pee on things!
[Lyrics to Carousel of Progress]
Now is the time. Now is the best time. Now is the best time of your life. There's so much to cheer for. Be glad you're here for the best time of your life!
We went to the Rice Museum/Holocaust Memorial, and Daddy got me this awesome T-shirt! It says, "Never forget..." [turns around]
"...to salt the water before boilin' the rice."
This has gotten so good! You know that kid I've been fucking with?
Um, yeah, you mean you?
Yes. It turns out he's unstable! [suddenly enraged] WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?!
Because you're talking to me.
[sobbing] Then why won't you listen?!? [calm again] Anyhoo...
Boy, Foxxy. They ought to call you a German pornstar's mouth.
German pornstar's mouth?
'Cause you full of shit!
[Phat Allen and his gang laugh]
What the hell is wrong with you, Toot?! Can't you see I'm bangin' Astro?
Ri rain't Rastro, ritch!
Jesus, Foxxy, you're such a whore! You've had more infected wangs in you than a Shanghai hospital!
Roh ro you ridn't!
You just jealous because you couldn't get screwed at a convention of Jewish insurance salesmen!
Rou rid rot rust ro there!
Toot, you suck, yet you keep returning. How do you explain this phenomenon?
Well, how do you explain your fugly face!?
I was burned in a horrible accident. It's quite sad, really.
[Lyrics to One House]
One house to hold us all.
Eight different cartoon characters.
Letting it all hang out.
In front of one million cameras.
We're Drawn Together!
Yeah!
[Clara excessively holds the last note]
Captain Hero, the votes are in, and you are...safe!
Oh my God! I love you, America! So why shouldn't we have a fucking baby?!
[Lyrics to Labia Unplugged]
La la la la labia baby you've got something for me.
In your wizard sleeve.
La la la la labia baby you've got something for me.
Some sweet PT.
Hoochie coochie gitchy gitchy yeah yeah yeah. Gotta snatcha gunna catcha yatcha yeah yeah yeah.
Binja minja.
Bearded clam.
Furry burger.
Smiley Bam.
La la la la labia baby you've got something for me.
Oh, yesiree.
Fluffy muffy stuffy in the yeah yeah yeah. I've got a fever for a beaver weaver yeah yeah yeah.
Honey pot.
Peachy pie.
Take it to the Y-clef.
La la la la la labia. For me.
Yeah!
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la labia.
Some sweet PT.
You got something
La la la la labia la la la la la labia.
Baby! Baby! Labi! Labia! My Babia! Got something for me.
Labia my babia got something. Labia!
(offscreen) Hey, assholes, thanks for watching!
All right, birthday boy. Let’s get a photo of you up here on Sugarfoot. [Hoists boy up on horse]
[To Bob] Why the hell is Cooper Howard working kids’ birthday parties?
[To Frank] What else? Alimony. [Chuckles]
What’d they say, Dad?
That I’m lucky to have such a good helper like you.
[Motioning for a photo opportunity] Aw, Coop, Coop, Coop. Do your thumbs-up.
Yeah, you know, given the state of everything, I’d prefer not to, if that’s all right.
Why not? It’s what you’re famous for.
Yeah. Drop it, Bob.
We gotta... we got to get this rodeo on the road.
Hal, I can’t... I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t do the weather if I don’t even know if there’s gonna be a next week.
[Changes TV channel] Only thinking happy thoughts today.
Sugar Bombs presents Grognak the Barbarian and the Ruby Ruins.
I think that’s everything. [Sighs]
Why wouldn’t you do it? The thumbs-up.
Oh, it’s, uh... that’s grown-up stuff. [Smacks lips] Well, back when I was in the Marines, they taught us that if they ever drop a really big bomb, told us to hold up your thumb just like this. And if the cloud is smaller than your thumb, well, you run for the hills.
And if it’s bigger than your thumb?
They told us not to bother running.
Do you think it’s gonna happen?
I certainly hope not. But us cowpokes, we take it as it comes, right?
Can I have a slice, Dad?
You know what? Let me see if I can’t rustle you up a piece. All right, one piece of cake coming up for my favorite cowgirl.
...
[A nuclear bomb is set off in downtown Los Angeles in the distance]
Is it your thumb or mine?
That’s smoke, Janey. It’s just a fire.
...
[To Bob going in cellar] Let us in with you.
No room. Back off. [Punches Frank in face]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
