Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
By the time I arrived, the Mad-Libber was gone and Captain Girl had been poisoned to death.
Poisoned? Then why is there blood on her uniform?
It was that time of the month.
That doesn't really--
WHAT ARE YOU, TWELVE?! Once a month, in the most beautiful and natural process known possible, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole. But now, blood will never flow out of Captain Girl's butthole ever again!
A baby, from Nicaragua.
A baby! A baby from Nicaragua! [kisses the baby's face 8 times] Come on, baby from nicaragua, let's go fix mommy's life.
Toot, where the hell you think you're going?
[carries her vodka bottle] The store. Mommy's completely run out of medicine.
Toot, if you don't start takin' care of your child, she gonna be real messed up!
She's right, Toot. I mean, Ling-Ling was about to kill your baby.
Don't tell how to raise my baby! I know how to keep it safe! [puts herself and her baby inside a ring of fire] Who would dare to enter the Circle of Fire? Toodles! [exits the ring of fire and her coat is caught on fire]
Get the fuck out of the car. Move! Move! Move!
All right.
Shut up!
Just don't hurt me.
Now get in the trunk.
No way.
Get in the fucking trunk!
I don't wanna die!
"I don't wanna die." You're gonna fucking die. Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh! Whee! I'll show Captain Hero what a great sidekick I am.
Uh, gr-grandpa?
Ooh, live-action poo!
Wooldoor, have you been going into the live-action forest again?
I, um, well, um, brought it home because I thought they'd make nice slippers.
[He steps in the manure as if they were shoes]
It's an honest mistake.
[Camera pans down to show that Hero has done the same]
You're such a pretty cow.
We love you.
Nice horsey.
There you go, girl. Girl? Guys, live-action cow's acting really weird.
Let me see. [A close-up of live-action cow is having red eyes and foaming mouth] Red eyes, foaming mouth. Zoinks! Live-action cow has rabbis!
It's pronounced "rabies", although they're both incurable diseases.
She must have gotten rabies from live-action squirrel with big balls.
I shot Live-Action Cow and now she's dead! [Cries]
So tell me, bro, did you... [Whisper's into Wooldoor's ear]
What? Why would I do that? She was my friend!
So she's out there dead in the woods, her milky, white, supple udder just lying there in a remote forest clearing? Dibs! [kicks Clara in the leg and runs off]
Oh Tim! [Jumps into Captain Hero/Tim's arms] Last night was so special! I mean, I've had a lot of gay sex in my life, uhm, a lot of gay se- I mean a lot, a lot a lot a lot of gay se- I've had LOO-LOOOTS of gay sex, HUGE huuge amounts of [Tries to find words] LOOTS! [In confessional] Right, Craig?
Put the gun down.
He's the only fucking dog who's good enough to wear fucking pants? Well, I want to wear the fucking pants for once.
Oh Tim, you're such a stitch. You're so much more fun than Captain Hero.
[impersonating Captain Hero] Oh! Look at me! I'm a big, dumb superhero who's big and dumb! Now I'm fondling a girl. Oopsie! She's dead!
[Xandir and "Tim" laugh; "Tim" falls into the lake]
You did not just do that! ["Tim" throws him into the lake; they kiss and the camera pans away from them] It unsnaps in the front.
[whispered] Sensors indicate that the T.V. reviewer is at the end of the hall.
Ok, guys, show no mercy. Remember, these people work in cubicles. So they're already dead inside. Let's move!
Oh Lord, if there is a sport that I can master, please give me a sign!
Hey, y'all, who wants to sponsor me? I'm goin' in the AIDS Walk next week. It's per mile.
Walk? I can walk! [Looks at the folder Foxxy is holding]
So you are going to sponsor me? You know it's per mile, right?
Hell's no, I'll be sponsoring you! I'll be sponsoring me, to win the AIDS Walk!
The Aid's Walk isn't a competition, asshole, it's a charity! Like "Not Spitting on Ugly People". [spits at Toot in the face] I gave at the office.
I'll practice night and day, and before you know it, I'll do more walking and have more AIDS than you can possibly imagine!
It's over. just drop the candy and step away from the ledge.
Please, mister. I didn't mean to do it.
I don't care. I'm telling you, step away or the bitch gets it!
Oh my God!
No! Don't do it!
I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT EVER AGAAAAAAIN!!!
Run! He's gonna kill me no matter what you do.
No, no, no. Don't do it. I give up. Uh!
Take him away. And now to tie up some loose ends. [gunshot]
Popeye, are you alright?
It's time ya knew. I've contracted the deadly AIDS virus from sharing steroid needles. [Shows his hand covered in bloody syringes]
AIDS? How come I've never heard of this AIDS? They should have a walk or something to raise awareness.
[coughs and wheezes] Get clean for me Cap'n. [Sings] Oh, I'm weak at the finish, 'cause AIDS beats out Spinach, I'm Popeye the dyin' man. [Toots] Of AIDS!
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir. My mama finally got her settlement check and bought herself a double-wide.
[as Xandir's father] Yes, and she deserved it. She gave up ten years of her life and six of her fingers for that chicken plant.
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] You know, I've been practicing this trick where I drink 10 beers and let you do whatever you want to me, I'm getting REAL good at it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
