So, uh, I think we should,uh, be a little sensitive towards Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot, you know, uh... He's started searching for his biological father so... maybe we should show a little bit of affection towards him.
Ha ha! That's-that's gays...
Oh man, don't say "showing affection" and expect us to fucking react.
Okay, well guys listen, I mean think about it. Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?
[flashback to the traumatic death of Toki's father under the ice]
[present]
.... [smiles] And I'm totally cools with it!
Guys, I'm saying he never even had-
MMuderface
My father's dead and I'm totally fine!
[flashback to baby Murderface witnessing his father's murder/suicide]
[present]
.... I love that my dad's dead.
Look, I got no relationship with my dad, other than I hate him, y'know?
[flashback to teenage Pickles ready to run away, his father looking at him hatefully]
CCalvert
Get out of here, you belong in a garbage can!
[Pickles glares and looks ready to cry]
[present]
Y'know I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name. And I'm proud, I'm proud to know that I don't know that.
All right, I get it, fine, you're all without fathers, all right-
I'm not... [smiles] I fucking love my dad.
[Flashback to Nathan and his father going fishing, racing go-carts, and playing Scrabble, enjoying each others company.]
My dad's fucking awesome.
I don't wants to sounds insensitives, but I means, if Skwisgaar doesn't gets his craps togethers I may really has a shots at beings the leads guitarist! Mes, Tokis! Finallys ams no mores in the shadows! What do you thinks about that, Pickle?
Toki, don't you think it's a little early to start jumping to conclusions?
.... [angrily] Jumps to conclusions?! Whats the fucks is thats supposed to means, huh?!
[Toki grabs Pickles by the shirt and shakes him]
You listens to me, when I's becomes lead guitarists things whats has gots to change arounds here!
Fine, fine! Just let go of me, you're squeezing my nipples off!
Don't get physical with people!
[Skwisgaar is in his bed with two young and one old lady. A Klokateer enters]
I'm sorry my lord, but none of the DNA tests match.
All those thousands of men managed to ejaculate into your mother without being your father. He must still be out there, but he hasn't come forward. All those men... All that ejaculate-
[grossed out] Yes, thank you, I understands! Just... please leaves me be.
OOld Lady
Hey, what about us? When will we be satisfied?
I never thought I would say this, but... I'm nots in the mood.
CComedian
And William Murderface! What's it like spending a day with actual musicians? [Murderface says nothing, while everyone around him laughs] All those years and nothing's rubbed off?
CComedian
Seriously folks, what do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp!
CComedian
And Skwisgaar Skwigelf! You fuck more woman than breast cancer! [more laughs] I'm kidding of course, but back to Murderface. After selling krillions of records, its refreshing to see, that women still won't fuck you! [more laughs, William just looks on] Skinky crack whores who need the money are like, "no thanks."
[softly] That's not true.
Guys I'm nervous. I don'ts even knows how to go abouts this findings a lady business.
Oh Toki, that is cute. That's precious.
You need some datin' advice from your pals.
Oh thats would be very helpful Pickle.
Okay, well, heres what you do to meet a lady, alright? You get your tour manager to find you some chick and when he brings her backstage you pull out your dick!
Ja, you pulls out your dicks!
Pulls out your-? Guys, I'm talkings abouts real dates here.
How is that not a real date?
Yeah, how is that not a real date Toki?
A date's wheres you actually talks to a girl, and she says stuffs, and you asks her questions, and she talks back-
Questions, waits a minute, questions?! You means like whens we're in courts questions?
ECeLadyMates Consultant
Mr. Wartooth, our company is very serious about finding their clients a life-ladymate partner.
CConsultant
Yes. We're confident that our matching system is so solid that we give a 100% guarantee.
Well, that ams some impressive numbers, buts I'm lookings not onlys for a friends but also a companions and the mothers to my childrens.
CConsultant
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.
CConsultant
We can pinpoint your future ladymate partner's fertility to the second.
Not to brag, but I can pinpoint my fertility, too. All I need is some lotion and a little DSL-quality internet and some napkins. [Toki looks mortified and the consultant shocked] I'm kidding, of course! Keep going.
I tolds you you could comes in if you didn'ts ruins my meeting.
I think I'm enhancing the meeting. [Toki covers his eyes with his hand in embarrassment] Look, sir, I just want to meet like a hundred girls and fuck the bajeesus out of them. So, uh, can we set up an account here or something?
CConsultant
We don't do that here. This is for lifemates.
Damn! This is not gonna be easy.
Just waits in the fucking lobby!
Sorry! Gaaaah! [to consultant] You better find this guy some pussy because he is really-
WILL YOU FUCKINGS GETS OUT OF HERE?!?!
CCaroline
Great date. Oh, here's my fertility chart.
CCaroline
The 15th. You'll have to keep it open.
CCaroline
Oh, that's when we'll have intercourse.
Inst-instecourse? I means we just barelys mets.
CCaroline
I like the name Wilthmore or Donnington.
CCaroline
For our baby. I've gotta go. Looking forward to our long, long future together lifemate.
CCaroline
Don't forget to keep the 15th open so you can deposit your sperm into my vagina with your penis.
Hey folks, it's me. Facebones!
All right! Facebones! [another Klokateer shocks him]
I'm here to talk about a very serious issue! Sexual harassment in the workplace! But first, what is sexual harassment? Well, sexual harassment is the act of degrading people, with your sexuality. It takes the power away from the people being harassed, and makes the harasser, more powerful than ever!
I got fucking peppersprayed. How-how does that give me power?
Compliments in the workplace can easily become as construtant as flirtation. Now, a short example. In this example, a Klokateer will be equipped with a shocking mechanism, that will help guide him into behaving properly at work!
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
FKFemale Klokateer
Yes, it is.
MKMale Klokateer
It looks very good. [gets shocked] AHHH!!!
Saying that your belt looks good can be taken as a sexual offense. Let's try that again!
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
MKMale Klokateer
That is good information to have. [red light goes off with an alarm]
Saying something like, "that is good information to have" could be kind of creepy. And they could think that he's compiling information for a parking lot attack, or a home invasion. And thaaat's harassment!
MKMale Klokateer
AHHHHHHHH, FUUUUCK!
Cursing in the workplace can also make people feel awkward. Now let's try that again.
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
FKFemale Klokateer
Yes, it is.
MKMale Klokateer
[gets shocked right away] AHHHHHHH!
Best to avoid all those compliments and continue working! Now let's watch that again without all those confusing compliments!
Well done! But what if our klokateer didn't want to make any complimants, but instead, a fun joke?
VVoice
NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE! NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE!
Humor is hurtful and can ruin lives. We're almost done folks. We're rounding the corner to finish our sexual harassment fun marathon! And also practical information! Do not linger around in restrooms. Keep your office door open so the people can see that you're clearly not jacking off in there. If you get a boner during work, best excuse yourself and go home! Here's a list of t hings to remember to avoid being caught in a tricky sexual harassment lawsuit. HERE WE GO! [speaking fast] Err on the side of caution do not tell people they look good do not compare people to each other dress conservatively do not make fun of people resist the urge to be friendly this could be taken as flirting if you do happen to accidentally flirt do not make up for it by being overly friendly this could be taken as an aggressive attack.
[annoyed] WILL THIS THING NEVER END?!?!
So this girl wants to get it on with you?
That's when she says she ams ovulatings and that's the chances are highs for whats to be pregnants.
So she wants to have planned sex with you.
Sex designed to procreate? Ugh! Fucking gross.
You can't tell me when to have a boner! That's my business!
And you knows what else? [brings up Caroline's photo on his Dethphone] This is what she looks like!
She looks like a gorilla whats been shaved!!!
Yeah, well, your in the hot seat. Look, you want some advice, I got some for you, alright? When the 15th comes, you just gotta listen. Alright?
You need listen to your dick Toki. Your dick will tell you exactly what you need to do, alright? Listen to your dick.
Yeah, listen to your dick.
And also, don't ever get into a room that you can't get out of.
Congratulations, you can now call your parents and safely say you are now Murdertooth recording artists, Get Thee Hence!
GTGet Thee Hence Band
Yeaaah! [start celebrating]
LSLead Singer
So where's our advance, son?
Uhh I'm sorry I don't even know what you're talking about.
BPBass Player
Where's our fucking advance, you heard us.
Oh oh oh the advance! Oh you mean advance money!
LSLead singer
Wait wait wait. Hold up hold up hold up. Are you sure you're even a fucking label?
[shoves Toki away] Toki shut up! We're the fucking real deal, bros. But look. Shouldn't we get a contract in place or something?
DDJ
You guys hear that fucking back peddling bullshit fucking suits.
What? No, man! We're not suits! We're your bros. Toki, get my checkbook. [gets checkbook] Sooo, what uhh like five thousand?
BPBass Player
What do I look like, a fucking hooker?
LSLead Singer
Keep coming.
[growing nervous] Forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, hundred, hundred-ten [faster] hundred-twenty, hundred thirty, hundred forty-hundred fifty, hundred sixty, hundred seventy, hundred eighty, hundred ninety, two hundred! Two-ten, two-twenty, two-thirty, two-forty, two-fifty, two-sixty, two-seventy, two-eighty, two-ninety, three hundred! Five...hundred thousand dollars! And that is my final offer-five-ten. Five-twenty? Five-thirty, five-forty, six hundred? Seven hundred. Eight hundred. Nine hundred...a million.
Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
[pause] I hate you all. I really do.
[slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
I think it's an awesome death.
Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Now an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
[flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
[drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
CComputer
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!
[Toki visits Dr. Rockso in jail]
Toki! Oh thank God! You gotta get Dr. Rockso outta here! I can't tell you what they're doing to me in the joint! [sobs]
Shuts up Rockso. You have beens a constant source of disappoint-ska-ments.
Enoughs! Ever since I knows you, you acts like a dildos! And you used the be a greats rock n' roll clown. You used to bes a star! But looks at you now. You're like a dogs whats bloateds and rottings on the sides of the roads. Likes a turds in the toilet ins an abandoned buildings whats no ones even flushed. Likes a dead whore whats the police won't even investigate 'cause no one cares-
[annoyed] Okay baby, I get the idea...
Buts... den's I realized... That's it! You amn'ts on tops, and that's whys you haves slumpeds to the bottoms of garbage! You needs to be backs on tops Rockso! I'ms gonna bails you out, and helps you reforms your old band: Zazz Blammymatazz!
