Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I just don't want some guy with no reason to live fuck with my mouth, you know what I mean?
Why can'ts it be a ladies boobs whats cleans your teeth?
[pause, then Murderface and Nathan start chuckling]
You know, usually...
Usually you have really bad ideas, but that-
That's a billion-dollar idea.
Cleaning your teeth with tits!
Dudes, we party too hard, so our bodies are in terrible shape. We gotta trick the doctor by making it seem like we're in really good shape. And there's only one way to do that. Bleach. [holds up a jug of bleach] Here, drink this Murderface. [hands it to Murderface]
Uhh, maybe this ams a stupid question, buts, why don'ts we just pours bleach into our cups of...urines?
[looking angry at the suggestion] No! Drink the bleach!
Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water. And we are mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
Murderface Guys, I gotta direct this all back to me for a second, Okay?. Look... A doctor jacked me off in his face, and the more I think about it, the less okay I am with it. You know what i'm saying?
All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.
[drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?
There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?
Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!
That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.
Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.
Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.
I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]
[Nathan and his dentist are hunting]
Hey man I gotta tell ya. One of the coolest hunting trips I've ever been on.
I'm really glad we've become pals, Mr. Explosion. Check this out. [sticks his rifle in his mouth and kills himself]
WHAT YOU MEAN WE CAN'TS DO SECRETS SANTAS?!
Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?
We don'ts thinks it ams Metal to bes nice to each others.
AND I FUCKING DO!
Toki, why don't you drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.
I ain'ts listens to yous no more! I'm going shoppings. Yes! Shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gifts. And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces, when I gets you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you! [leaves]
I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.
Fuck Tokis. Christmas trees. This amn't brutal.
Well, you know what? It's growing on me. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree, you know? It's kind of baddass. It stands and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it, like "Fuck you."
Y'know, when you say it like that it makes sense, but still... it-it still sucks, y'know?
Shall I burn it, my lords?
No, leave it. Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it or whatever, you know. It'll be bearable, I guess.
(Dethklok's mothers are busy decorating the Mordhaus Rec Room. Sveltana Skwigelf is bent over, wrapping a present, as Murderface leers at her buttocks lecherously. Skwisgaar is drinking a bottle of vodka, looking rather irritated)
Hey Skwisgaar, Murderface is eyeing up your mom like a fucking piece of meat.
(sourly) Yes. I am noticings this. Thats is whys I am drinking.
[enters meeting room] Whats I miss?
TOKI! Why do you smell like piss and cocaine?
Oh that's not me.
Oh k-k-k-k-k-k-k-Hanukkah! A-k-k-k-k-hello!
Dr. Rockso?
[sitting by a full bathtub, going through withdrawals] Oh, Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... Oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!
[kneels by Rockso] For the records, Dr. Rockso I can'ts gets you drugs, thats would be enables you... But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.
[hugs Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby. [shoves Toki's head under the water] NOW YOU GET ME THOSE FUCKING DRUGS!! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME?! I'll fuckin- [faints]
You just missed another spot.
How many times are you going to pass that spot?!
[driving] Where? Which one?
Back there! For God's sake! [Nathan backs up]
I can't see with all these people in here! [another car takes the spot referred to]
Too late! You blew it!
Fantastic! [Nathan drives some more around the parking lot]
Ahh, Grandma, he's just trying to drive! Leave him alone and back off!
We don't speak to our grandmothers that way! Take this! [slaps Murderface]
OWWW!
Mom! Don't smack Murderface! [gets slapped] Ow!
Quick! TUrn!
[Occupant of Other Car] What the hell? You hit my car!
Hey! I have four mothers telling me how to drive! What's your excuse, asshole?!
Tell him you're sorry.
I'm sorry!
Are you leaving?
[to a drug dealer] COme one man, hurry up. I got something to do. Guess what? Cocaine!
[walking with joy] Yoo-hoo! You know what I do, baby! And I'm doing it! Snorting cocaine! [to a Hot Dog stand salesman] Hey, Johnny hot dog! Guess what I do! COCAINE! He didn't even answer. [to a shoe-shining man] Hey, shoe-shine boy! [takes out his bag of cocaine] Wanna check me out with some of this here, cocaine! [to a large rodent] Hey Mr. zoo animal! Check this out! [holds up his bag of cocaine] Cocaine! [to a little boy holding a red balloon] Hey little boy with the b-b-b-b-balloon! Check this out! [whispers] Cocaine! Don't tell nobody! [to a Police Officer near the boy] Hey Mr. Police- Uh-oh!! [hides the cocaine bag behind his back]
I bring some wonderful frankincense.
Great. That's what I got him!
How do you like that? We both got him the same thing.
Ohhh Lord!
Hey! That's blasphemy!
No, I mean 'Oh, Lord! Right there!' A miracle has been bestowed upon us this day!
I think he may have bestowed something into his diapers.
The king has truly blessed us.
Maybe he can stop blessing us, something's starting to smell bad.
[Murderface and Knubbler are sitting on the couch in a skit]
Looks like another wonderful, but lonely Christmas Eve with just you and me, right old pal?
Yup. Looks like the two of us, again.
[doorbell rings]
Oh I guess you know what that sound means...
Oh, the Christmas goose is finished getting microwaved?
[studio laughter]
Noooo. It means we have some guests!
[door opens and Dethklok's mothers enter the scene very drunk d espite Dethklok locking all the booze away.]
Well hellooooo....
It's Dethklok's mothers!
[aggravated] And they've been drinking! Yeah, uh take your time staggering in. Like this ain't live TV or anything.
Yes, who would have thought that Dethklok would have mothers? Ha ha...yes...
[doorbell rings]
I'll get it! Wouldn't it be great if it was more friendly guests?
opens the door to see Nathan Explosion, who punches Murderface in his face]
Why didn't you tell me that this thing was being sponsored by religion? That's not fucking cool dude. [enters]
[Murderface laughs nervously]
Hey watch the F-bombs all right? This...was written, this was written...
[doorbell rings; Dr. Rockso enters]
Oh-k-k-k-k-k-Rockso! Made his way onto the lot with the Christmas party baby!
[enraged] Oh Rockso, you fucking piece of shits! You stole the Christmas presents! I FUCKING KILLS YOU ROCKSO!!!
Out of my way, here it comes! [crashes her Rascal into a big wooden cross, crushing both her and Toki]
AAAAAH!! OW, MY LEG!!! AAAH! TOKI'S LEG!!! [screams and babbles in agony]
Dude, we need a doctor over here!
Heeeelp! Heeeelp!
Dude, we need a fucking doctor over here!
Murderface, I think you grandma's, like, hurt or something, you should help her.
Can't you just let me enjoy this moment?
Hey, Swisgaar, check it out! I'm getting a handj-j-job from your m-m-m-mom!
Moms, nooo! [plays his guitar quickly as a way to cope]
Oh, she's got that Swedish grip, too! Just like you play that guitar. Ohhh, fiddly widdly widdly oooh...
What the FUCK?! THAT'S MY GIRL!!
Ah, is someone having a bad Christmas?
YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
