[emerges from the water gasping and gurgling] Not safe! Not safe! [vomits liquid oxygen] There's monsters!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Hey, Pickle. Tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy. S' hilarious.
Oh, right. That dude that you headbutted? The guy was a Danish Prince. Can you believe that?
[mistaking the Danish for the Dutch] Pfft! The Dutch.
Oh, check it out. He's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull... Oh, and he's last in line for the Danish royalty. That is messed up, dude.
Well, that's what he gets for going after my hog.
Awesome.
Dude, I would have done the same thing. Pfft. Dutch.
Yeah, well it's official. I mean, you're getting really... good at headbutting.
A birthday party for Murderface?
Where is it going to be? In a toilet? In a bus station?
Oh, that's brutal.
Can you believe, right off the top of my head, just making up like thats?
Wait a minute! The guy's a nihilist, what does he want a birthday for?
MSMurderface's E-vite
Inside, outside, up or down. Show up if you want, who gives a piss?
Oh, fuck me! We're going to have to get him a gift!
GDr. Gibbons
William Murderface's charts indicate a deep-seated rage which is split off and repressed at its core. His self-loathing is expressed most publicly and unequivocally through bodily mutilation, tattooing, alcohol abuse, and coprophilia. He blames others for his anger. He misplaces his rage and its roots. He seeks punishment, castigation, and excommunication. This self-destruction is the only way to validate powerful voices he internalized as a child. This, combined with his immense wealth and popularity, should make for a monumentally horrific birthday.
Or maybe, like, we get him an endangered species, and then, we could kill it? That'd be cool.
I just read about this thing online you can buy a star and name it. Like, what if we named it, like, Mulhalmad Ali, the black prizefighter? That would be his gift.
Fuck you.
Wait a minute! I got it - we'll give him the blackest most meaningless gift of all.
The Queen of Denmark, with her son, Prince Henrey. [Prince Henrey is swathed in various bandages, injured from Murderface's headbutt]
QDQueen of Denmark
This is an original manuscript from Peter Cornolivesonoft, Denmark's most faaamous poet!
Was he murdered?
QQueen
No.
How much did it cost?
QQueen
This is an -
Ah, just keep it! [to himself] I'm getting the crappiest gifts! [Prince Henrey hands him a marker] What?! [incredulously] Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday?
QQueen
He's asking for your autograph.
[grabs marker from Murderface] Here, let me sign! [pushes hard against the bridge of the nose]
PHPrince Henrey
OW!
The Dutch are scum.
FFan
[looking at Murderface's cake, which is coated with a silver frosting] Dude, is that metal frosting? That's amazing!
Please do not sample the frosting, it is made of... MERCURY! You will die!
This is a complete and total, y'know, sausage festival.
I love sausage festival!
Wait, what..
Like in Vienna.
No. No, Toki, that WAS a sausage festival.
Yeah, that was good.
Yeah, it was Vienna pork saus.... Um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what into side of them.
The sausage?
Ja. Anyway, what were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.
Oh, I gots to make something for Murderface. I'm going to make him a macaroni murder lady.
I'm sure he'll hate that. Eh, pardon me.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the party. And as you all know, no party is complete without a birthday party clown. And we have one of the finest Rock N' Roll clowns around, so please...put- your hands tog- you know, here comes the Rock N' Roll clown.
[enters siding in on his knees] K-K-K-K-K YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! [crowd moans: Murderface looks annoyed] I'm Dr. Rockso, the Rock and Roll Clown! I do cocaine! K-K-K-K-YEAH! I hear it's somebody's birth-day! I do cocaine! Dr. Rockso gonna make you a balloon bass.
[whispers] I seriously do... a lotta cocaine. [louder] Try it out! Wait a minute, I think someone's outta tune. Just a little more. [turns the knob, which swells until it pops in William's face -- he looks furious] You popped a string! Hehe! I do coca- [Murderface strangles Dr. Rockso and shoves the balloon bass down his throat, then sets the Klokateers on him. The Klokateers viciously stomp Rockso.]
And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [the gift box falls open, empty] ... NOOOOTHING!
Oh, you suck! You all suck!
Awwww, what's wrong?
Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.
Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!
Attention! You big baby!
Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?
Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?
We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.
Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.
That's part of the surprise.
Why?
Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.
Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!
Well, what do you think?
Big fat tires and everything!
But I already got, like, a million limos.
Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]
It's all souped up... and desecrated.
Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.
And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!
And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.
You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]
Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.
Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!
Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.
[Charles Ofdensen, the band's manager, hands the band their new Dethphones.]
[picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.
Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.
All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.
Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.
So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.
Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing. We're not professional apologizers. We're... musicians. So, we wrote a song for you, a new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish folklore book of necronomic spells.
[The crowd moans collectively in horror.]
You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years. "Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the Lake Troll".
Gentlemen, it's clear that we're in a universally precarious situation. Dethklok has summoned a troll.
That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.
Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.