Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.
Well, I'm not sorry.
Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!
I know!
Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!
That's brutal.
So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!
Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.
You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...
Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.
[Outside a bar.]
Looks likes that troll killed that power everywhere.
Well, there's only two things to do in a blackout: get drunk... one thing to do.
Oh, I hate Finland. I need a hundred beers.
[Cut to inside the bar]
I need a hundred beers. Exactly... exactly one hundred. Thank you.
What are those wooden things? Chairs?
They are acoustic instruments.
What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?
A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.
It's your only choice, I'm afraid.
Whoa, this is a tough one guys.
Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.
Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?
I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.
Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!
Can you?
No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.
Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?
Honestly, I was just hitting any note.
Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.
THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!
[referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!
Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!
[They swing the Dethphones by their chains and throw them. The Dethphones land 3 feet in front of the band.]
[into handheld voice recorder] Idea for our last song, ever: "Killed by a Troll."
The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.
Why don't you... go breathe underwater?
I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!
Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!
This band is a danger to the human race!
You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.
Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.
Hey, how 'bout we compromise...
We'll give you half... of NOTHING!
The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.
Not guilty!
Well, we wins that.
Whatever.
You preferred that we'd lose?
Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.
Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves?
Exactly.
Ohhh.
Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.
Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.
Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!
Oh, thank you William.
Well, maybe we should takes a break, you know? Being bleak and dark for a living sometimes makes you lose your objectivity for, you know, being bleak and dark.
And now we will auction the skull from the famous comedian, Buddy Hackett. We'll start this bid at fifty thousand dollars.
Oh, I gots to have that.
Fifty thousand. Do I hear sixty thousand?
Yeah.
This going to be a long night.
Well, the people of the world are depressed and stupid. They look to comedy to lighten the load of their boring, dreadful lives. These idiots have been force-fed garbage from our own secret cable networks and our own employees covering as high-profile standup and sketch comics. Should we lose control of this, only God knows what will happen.
Autobots, remember those? How about Decepticons, remember those? What about Masters of the Universe? Hey, talk about egomaniacs, Masters of the Universe! We're Masters of the Universe! Hey, at least they ain't Smurfs! Huh? Or worse, Snorks! Remember? Snorks! Remember those? Sounds like someone falling asleep! SNOOOORKS! SNOOOORKS!
Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle, it's their first time on stage, The Brothers... of DECEPTION!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
