TFTwo-fingered Fan
In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw them up on stage. MURDERFACE ROLLED THEM UP AND SMOKED THEM! [yells into reporter's microphone] MURDERFACE!!!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
As you can see, Dethklok is no laughing matter. They're the world's greatest cultural force. A short time since the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle Batsfjord Massacre Fest, every other coffee company has been obliterated. Completely blown out of the water.
Freaks.
These freaks as you call them are currently worth billions. Gentlemen: [echoing opening theme lines] Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree; Toki Wartooth, not a bumble bee; William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface; Pickles, the drummer - doodily-doo, ding-dong doodily, doodily doo; Nathan Explosion. I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.
[awed gasp] What's this place called?
This is, I believes, called food libraries.
[Skwisgaar and Toki practice saying the phrase "Food Library".]
It's called a grocery store, ya douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags. I got... got low blood sugar.
Alright, here's the deal: we have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish. AND DON'T JUST BUY BOOZE! That ain't food!
What do you mean, "booze ain't food?" I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!
You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?
Yeah!
Wowee!
[reads his shopping list] Hey grandma, is there olives in it?
OOld Lady
In what?
Lemon tart, Wrinkle-tits! Jeezees!
OOld Lady
[shocked gasp]
Good, then it's pee-pee time! [starts urinating on the olives]
Hey chief, this stuff good for soup? [gestures at shopping cart full of booze]
WWorker
... No -
- Aaaah! That's a yes.
[reading from his list] Who is Wall Nuts?
[throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart] Haa, hey Toki; look inside of your basket. Guess why you're in such crappy mood, you have lady's tampons... inside of it... and you buy them for yourself. Go on have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems.
You a lady, Skwisgaar!
NO I'M NOT!!!
2 cups of rice...
Brutal.
Okay hold on now, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shrink, and they turn red, and they die?
CClerk
Yes sir.
That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life. High five.
Price check! Cleanup aisle six! Rotted Body Landslide! And don't forget our special sale on Every Bone Broken Chicken! Hurry! [laughing] Enjoy our tasty Hammer Smashed Face! Aisle three.
I loves to laugh. [romantically] Hi.
OWOld woman
Hi.
Guess what, you are a GMILF. That is a grandmother that I would like to - [Cut to next scene]
See! What'd I tell you guys? We don't need no chef.
Put in the ingredients into that thing there.
Oh no, we leaves all the food at the food place!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! [Zoom into his mouth and down his throat]
[prodding the remains of the mutilated chef with a stick] Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre! Wake up, cook something! Come on! Don't be a dick, be a dude!
By the power of all that is evil, I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich! [wails]
Dudes, we would, like, have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.
Yeah, but we such screw-ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.
Whoa! That's a good song title.
Okay wait, before you do anything.
Motherdouchebags! Did it again...
Dudes, what's wrong with that one? [dejected]
Lemme guess - not "heavy" enough, not "tuned low" enough, not "brutal" enough?
Dudes, we can'ts nots toning down any lower.
Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be brutal enough for you? Me, being dead?
Somebody shoulds tells Murderface that it's not alsways-ways abouts him.
Okay, so you want to re-re-re-re-record in the ocean, in... I see, no problem...
No, not in the ocean! Inside the ocean.
Okay.
In the heaviest, deepest, most brutal part.
Alright.
The Mariana TREEEEEEEEEENCH!
Well, let me make some calls.
Well, the good news is that they're gonna give you more money to record this album. The bad news is that they're going to send a producer down to work with you, so I hope that -
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [throws model globe off the panel in a fury]
Your guitar's picking up strange sounds!
What, dude? I didn't know these pickups were that strong. It picks up the whales saying hello.
What does this lights mean?
OOfficer
He will die without safety briefing.
Hey, I'll take it from here, okay buddy?
[the liquid oxygen isolation submersion chamber begins to fill up] Skwisgaar, I think I need that safety briefings.
Oh, really quickly, the reason I come in here was we're all going to order some food. D'you want some?
[liquid oxygen gets up to his thigh] I can't think about that now, what are all these buttons flashing?
Start thinking about what you want, because honestly, I'm starting to get hungry -
[liquid oxygen is almost to his chest] Anything! Gn-Gnocchi or something! It's filling up!
SSkwisgarr
Okay, I'll write that down. And oh, by the way, don't screw this one up!
[liquid oxygen is up to his neck] What is this button, I think I hit it!
I got to get going, see you later. [pulls the eject lever as the liquid oxygen submerges Toki]
Hey guys... nuclear submarine power's out.
Maybe take it easy on those beans, Murderface?
Yeah, I know man, have a little decency. I mean, we're stuck together in a... in a friggin' submarine for...
[drops bucket of beans] Fine, how about I starve to death. How's that? [passes gas] Excuse me! Ugh, these boots are killing my feet! [removes boots, exposing sweaty, smelly feet; passes gas] These feet sti... [vomits all over himself]
Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler: [submarine door opens] Hi guys. Sooo uh... let's hear this new album.
Hey, I have those same shoes.
Yeah, bear with me dudes. I think I made the trip a little too fast. My... my body's having a little trouble adjusting to the oceanic pressure down here. I'm sure I'll feel a little better once I have some Pop Rocks and Coke. [washes down a handful of Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola and begins to bleeds from nose]
Now shut up and listen to this, Dick. This is metal. For fish.
Fish don't gots no good metal to listens to.
Yeah, it's true.
Fish, huh?
This one's called Murmaider!
It's about mermaid murder.
Stop the track! This is amazing! I mean, there must be billions of fish out there! It's a totally untapped market! And so many hits too!
Electric Eelchair!
Yeah!
Scaled and Gutted and Undercooked.
Yeah!
Scuba Tank Filled With Farts!
YEAH! You boys knocked it completely out of the park. [quietly] I am back on top. [louder] I'm going straight to the label!
[Toki's song in the liquid oxygen submersion chamber] Underwater friends! You are my underwater, underwater friends! Yeah, you're my best friends now, so let's all cheer!
FFish
Yeah, we gotta come down here once a year!
I pees in liquid oxygen, I breathes my own pee. It tastes like coffee 'cuz I had some effin' coffee before I comes down here to say underwater!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.