Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[stepping out of the news van after Dudley defeated Snaptrap and his agents with the iron suit he's in] Wolf Spitzer for Petropolis News with live coverage of the super dog who foiled Snaptrap from whatever it was he was doing. Let's hear it for Iron Mutt!
I'm not Iron Mutt. I'm just an ordinary average…
[hugging him] We love you, Iron Mutt!
Super, awesome hero named Iron Mutt!
[chanting] Iron Mutt! Iron Mutt!
This is a KPET Special Report. Iron Mutt-mania is sweeping Petropolis. Kids, are eating Iron Mutt cereal. [Kids cheer] Iron Mutt action figures, and Iron Mutt costumes in children's sizes! [Keswick cheers] And flea sizes! [Chief cheers too]
[washing the garbage off of Kitty with a hose] Kitty, I've got a very important question for you.
You wanna know how Dudley's getting all the credit for stopping Snaptrap when he clearly has no idea what he's doing?!
Actually, I was going to ask if you could give me Iron Mutt's autograph. It's for my mother. Her name's Keswick.
[bursting through the walls] I meant to do that.
It's Iron Mutt! [screams in a girlishly voice]
You want to be my sidekick, you're gonna need a much cooler costume than that.
I'm not your sidekick!
[Dudley, Kitty, Keswick and the Chief are all riding on the grand opening of the Petropolis Monotrail]
[hearing Keswick moaning] Keswick, are you all right?
[nauseous] Not really. I'm prone to… [stutters] motion sickness, [holds up a jar mayonnaise as his face turns green with envy] and that jar of warm mayonnaise I ate isn't helping. [dry heaves as his face turns purple]
The grand opening of the new Petropolis Monotrail! And it never would've happened without me.
What did you do?
I blew up the old Petropolis Monotrail. Then I burned down the library, and robbed a hospital. That was a super fun weekend! [takes out sterile gauze] Sterile gauze, anyone?
Really? I never thought of that. I just like turning valves at 5:00. I like pulling levers at 6:00. It's a thing. Don't judge me.
He's your partner! Do something, Agent Katswell!
[recovering; acting as Kitty] Do what, Chief? Karate chop bad guys? [karate chops the ground] Act like I'm always right? Purr when the cute water delivery guy comes? [imitates Kitty's gestures]
[annoyed] I never do that!
What do we do now, Keswick?
[recovering; acting as Keswick] I can assure you there are a number of options, none of which your… [stutters] puny minds can grasp. [Keswick grins at Kitty, embarrassingly] Now if you'll excuse me, I'll get back to work on the Lady Keswick I've been building!
How do you know about that?! [hesitantly] I mean, I'm not… [stutters] building a Lady Keswick.
Oh, no! Now we'll never figure out what's going on with Snaptrap!
[recovers; acting as Snaptrap] It is I, Verminious Snaptrap!
[Kitty and Keswick groan]
Oh, brother.
And now, to make my daring escape! [runs to the elevator]
Guys, are you okay?! Speak to me! It's Dudley!
[all recovering, acting like Dudley; in unison] No, I'm Dudley!
Wait for me!
[as bugs fly into their noses; in unison] AH! BUG UP THE NOSE!
[as he and Dudley eat some of Kitty's cookies] Holy mackerel! This cookie has mackerel in it!
Yeah. I was out of flour, so I used seafood.
Behold, my new high tech mind reading device. It allows whoever… [stutters] wears it to hear the thoughts of anyone close by.
[Kitty takes the device and puts it on her head, listening to the Chief's thoughts]
[thinking] Okay, she's reading my mind. Don't think about how gross her cookies are. Don't think about how gross her cookies are.
[gasps in angered shock] I knew it! You hate my cookies!
Wow, Chief. Do you hate Christmas, too? Well, let's see what Mr. Critical thinks of me. [puts the device on his head]
[as Dudley picks his nose; thinking] Oh, man. Agent Puppy is a total slob!
[hurtfully] You think I'm a slob?!
Uh, look, dog food that makes its own gravy!
Whoa! Gravy!
[takes the device away] Grow up! Clearly you people lack the self esteem to… [stutters] wear this, though, that's not surprising. Recent psychological studies indicate that…
[thinking] Oh, man. Put a sock in it, Dr. Boring.
Well, that stings. Fortunately, I'm too… [stutters] mature to resort to name calling. Now if you'll excuse me, [starts tearing up in heartbreak] Dr. Boring is going to perform a heart transplant. 'CAUSE MINE'S BROKEN! [walks away, bawling, as Kitty and Dudley glare annoyingly at the Chief]
I have exciting news! Fleaple magazine just named me one of the ten most eligible hostages in Petropolis. It says here, I'm worth a billion dollars in ransom. Who wants to celebrate?
I'd comment, but Dr. Boring doesn't make house calls. [breaks down into tears] Cry, weep, sob!
You wouldn't want to celebrate with somebody who make gross cookies.
Or a slob like me! That cut like a knife.
[over his mind] Okay, I get it. You're still upset about the whole "mind reading" thing.
Sorry, Dr. Boring's not in right now, but please leave a message at the sound of the tone. [blows raspberry]
[offscreen] Why do we have a second basement?
[as his mother's wedding dress is blown away from his body] AHH! I'M NAKED! Nobody look! [Kitty sighs and hands over his black shirt] Okay, you can look now.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
