MMonroe
You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon.
[as Waldo] Who you calling a kiddie toon, fool?
MMonroe
I'm, I'm, I'm speaking about James Salter. Hm? Don't worry about it. That's your name, isn't it? James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. He's 33 years old, a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. You were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, and the others moved on to better things, but your main achievement seems to have been playing the part of a corn on the cob in a high-interest personal loan commercial. I notice you keep that pretty quiet. And now, of course, operating this sort of teddy bear thing. Which, by the way, is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. See, this is, this is the thing: it's easy, what he does. He mocks. And when he can't think of an authentic joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears. I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. Prove me wrong. Hm? Speak, Waldo.
[as Waldo, with genuine venom] You're a joke. You look less human than I do, and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock.
[Audience laughs and claps]
[as Waldo] What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. No one takes you seriously! That's why no one votes!
MMonroe
The vast majority do vote--
[as Waldo] It's bullshit.
MMonroe
Surely this is enough?
[as Waldo] You think you deserve respect.
MMonroe
Just common courtesy--
[as Waldo] Because you went to public school and grew up believing you were entitled to everything!
[Audience claps]
MMonroe
Ad hominem nonsense.
HHost
Perhaps we could get back--? Gwendolyn Harris, um--
[as Waldo] Something's got to change. No one trusts you lot, cos they know you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble! What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddie-flasher? You knew him for twenty years, did you not know what he was like?!
MMonroe
[more taken aback] No, of course not.
[as Waldo] Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him! Sly and pretending, and in that way, you're all the same!
[Audience claps and cheers]
HHost
Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time?
GGwendolyn
Well... of course, I think no--
[as Waldo] Oh, shut up, you're worse! Seriously! She's faker than him!
GGwendolyn
For once, I find myself agreeing with Liam Monroe in that this really doesn't get us anywhere, and there's no point in us continuing If we can't have anything resembling a debate...
[as Waldo, talking over her] Are you going to win? Why are you here? Tell them why you're here. Tell them why you're here! Tell them why you're here! She's here to build a showreel! I'm not kidding, that's literally it! Knows she's not going to win! This is all experience, to get herself on telly! She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than he does, because he'll actually have to represent you, am I wrong?! A career politician! Someone else less real than me, and I can do this!
[He takes his head off and juggles it, making the audience laugh and clap]
FFinch
Can I just make a couple of points--?
[as Waldo] Oh, shut up! You pebble! What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe, and the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you! What are you for?! What are you for?! Thank you and goodnight!
[He flips everyone off and makes Waldo vanish in a puff of smoke. The audience cheers]
Attention, shoppers. I'm here to ask you an important favor. Gather round. Come over here and listen. Don't vote for me, I'm an insult. Seriously. Vote for Monroe or Harris, or, I dunno, UKIP or even that Lib Dem guy. Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me! I'm worse than a wasted vote! I mean it, you idiots, don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! DON'T VOTE FOR ME! DON'T VOTE FO--
[Jamie is temporarily silenced by Jack. Harris' campaign aide throws food at the truck, and the crowd starts to boo]
HCHarris Campaign Aide
[towards crowd] Shut up!
No, don't boo him! He's right, he's right.
[Jamie leaves the truck and walks out into the surrounding crowd]
Look, it's me, I'm Waldo! This guy, whoever this guy is, [gestures towards Harris' campaign aide] he's a hero! You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news!
WIWoman in Crowd
He's funny!
[as Waldo] Don't listen to that man! He's a lesbian! Ahh!
[the crowd breaks out in laughter while Jamie stands bewildered]
So, remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can unlock new stuff like new catchphrases and a new hat n' that. Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me! So, question the status quo! Kick 'em where it hurts and--
[attempting to destroy the monitors on the truck with a nearby sign] Kill it!
The first man to hit him gets 500 quid! Yeah, that's right, knock him down! Knock him down! Smash it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[several members of the crowd start to assail Jamie until he is beaten unconscious]
[Recounting her past friendship with Naomi at the wedding]
LLacie
We met when we were five years old, and right up through to our teenage years, we made... quite the pair. We, we'd talk about all the things girls talk about. You know, boys, hair, products, uh... more boys. [laughs] I mean, I tried sometimes to expand our range a little and talk about climate change, but she found that kind of boring, so... She was probably right. I mean, fuck the planet, right?
[The guests gasp, but one woman laughs]
LLacie
Yes, thank you! Come on. Let's have a little fun here! You know, fuck the planet! [laughs again, then yells into the microphone in a burst of anger] FUCK THE PLANET!
[The guests cringe from the feedback]
[While realizing that without their eye implants, they can both speak without fear of being rated]
LLacie
The fuck are you looking at?
MIMan in Jail
Just what I was wondering.
MIMan in Jail
Don't? Don't wonder?
MIMan in Jail
It'd be a dull world without wondering.
LLacie
I don't give a shit about your world!
MIMan in Jail
I don't like your brassiere.
LLacie
I don't like your moustache.
MIMan in Jail
I don't like your aura.
LLacie
I don't like your... head. Your entire head is just ridiculous to me.
LLacie
You look like an alcoholic former weatherman.
MIMan in Jail
You sound like a lost little lamb that just got told there's no Santa Claus!
LLacie
What sort of cartoon character did your mom have to fuck to brew you up in the womb?
MIMan in Jail
At least I look like I was born, not shit out by some... tormented cow creature in an underground lab!
LLacie
You got tossed out of that lab.
LLacie
Oh yeah, flushed out!
LLacie
[starting to laugh] In the trash! Your face is a fucking...
MIMan in Jail
"Fucking"...?
LLacie
A fucking... biological car crash that'd make Picasso screw up his eyes and say, "Well, that just don't make sense!"
MIMan in Jail
[laughing] You're a fucking asshole!
MIMan in Jail
Fuck you next Wednesday!
LLacie
Fuck you for Christmas!
BBoth
Fuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuu!
