“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Bing

You know the only thing stopping me from slashing myself open right now? I might not die right away. And before I went, they'd find a way to charge my twitching half-dead cadaver 20,000 merits for swabbing the walls clean.

Serial monogamist.

I'm a serial monogamist. I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

I downplayed it. I fudged it, it was...

You lied.

Not everything that isn't true is a lie.

You know when you suspect something, it's always better when it turns out to be true. It's like I've had a bad tooth for years and I'm just finally getting my tongue in there and I'm digging out all the rotten shit.

Martha

I mean, it's totally batshit crazy I can even talk to you.

I mean, I don't even have a mouth.

Martha

That's... that's just...

Just what?

Martha

That's just the sort of thing that he would say.

Well, that's why I said it.

Martha

And I shouldn't have drunk last night. Next time, could you try and stop me?

Stop you drinking?

Martha

Yeah.

So I get to enjoy being a bit of a bastard?

Martha

Don't call me your administrator.

Why not?

Martha

Because...

It sounds sort of sexy.

Martha

See, he would have worked out what was going on. This wouldn't ever have happened, but if it had, he would have worked it out.

Sorry, hang on. that's a very difficult sentence to process.

Martha

Jump.

What? Over there? I never expressed suicidal thoughts, or self-harm.

Martha

Yeah, well, you aren't you, are you?

That's another difficult one, to be honest with you.

Martha

You're just a few ripples of you. There's no history to you. You're just a performance of stuff that he performed without thinking, and it's not enough.

So this--this thing on the TV, the...

The signal.

That's what's doing it? That's what's making them act like this?

I guess they were always like that underneath. Just needed the rules to change, for no-one to intervene.

You nearly killed us back there.

Yeah, well, I wasn't expecting you to be there, was I? I've just saved your lives. A wee "thank you" would be nice. I should've just run yous over.

Jamie

You're not going to win, though.

Of course not.

Jamie

So, why not be honest? Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway".

It doesn't work like that.

Jamie

Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed.

The video was a hit for a reason.

Jamie

The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate.

It doesn't matter.

Jamie

Or funny, which is almost worse.

Look we--we don't need politicians, we've all got iPhones and computers, right? So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. Let the people vote--thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. That's a democracy. That's a--that's an actual democracy.

Jamie

So's YouTube, and I don't know if you've seen it, but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days.

In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. He's the perfect assassin.

Jamie

We won't win, though.

You guys are so British. No, of course he won't win.