CCharlotte
(to Jay, with Will) Okay then, 'funny boy'. Make me laugh…without undressing.
(repeatedly imitating Crazy Frog, as Charlotte and Will watch in appalled silence) Nim, nee nim nim nim nim! Boh, bom bom bah bah bah!!!
…it’s Crazy Frog…
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Fucking hell, he’s leaving.
No screams and he’s not covered in blood. Will must have got away with it.
Or Donovan killed them both silently.
She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me.
She’s only looking to see if you’ve stopped staring at her.
She’s still looking.
Because you’re freaking her out.
I think we’ve got a connection. Her eyes! Why don’t we go over?
No, I don’t need to pull. I’ve got a sure thing lined up.
A midweek wank?
No. I’ve centered that charity blind date thing at school.
That’s tragic.
Well, that’s where you’re wrong. Because I get the choice of three girls to take out on a date. So I don’t need to spend my Saturday evening scaring girls like Simon does.
What if she’s feeling the same and neither of us does anything about it?
She’s fit and she’s the year above. She’ll never go for you.
Look, Will… Will, yeah, has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Anything could happen tonight. I’m going over.
CFCharlotte’s Friend
Go away.
(voiceover) With Simon’s humiliation, the party was over, and some of us had done better than others.
Can you not?
FFFootball Friend
Alright Jay!
Alright. Nice car!
FFFootball Friend
Do you like it? I just got new rims for it.
Yeah, it’s well nice!
(To Neil, so Jay can hear) Ooh friend.
Ooh, car friend!
Ooh, car friend, shall we play football?
FFFootball Friend
I’ve just got to pop home now, but, you can have a drive later if you like.
Yeah, maybe.
(High-pitched) Cheers friend.
(High-pitched) Car friend.
(High-pitched) Football!
FFFootball Friend
See you later, then. (He turns left and drives off back home. Jay turns round after a moment, looking angrily at Simon and Neil)
He’s not my fucking friend!
(Looking apologetically at Jay) Alright. Friend! (Neil bursts into laughter. Jay storms off, quickly followed by Simon and Neil, who’re still chanting “Friend!”)
(High-pitched) Friend.
(High-pitched) Friend.
(High-pitched) Friend!
(High-pitched) Made-up football friend!
(Angrily) Just give it a fucking rest, will ya?!
(Normal voice) Hello, isn’t that Friend’s car?
(High-pitched, pointing at the car) Ooh, new rims car friend! (He puts his thumbs up too)
I’ll show you how much of a friend he is. (He moves to the front of the car) Fucking friend. (He climbs up onto the car bonnet) (In a slightly maniacal voice) Ooh friend! (He jumps; the car alarm goes off) Friend! Friend! Fucking football friend! (Jumping all the while)
I never thought he’d get that wound up. (We see that Football Friend is emerging from a house on the opposite side of the road, and he is running over, gobsmacked about what’s happening)
FFFootball Friend
Jay, what you doing?
(Turns to face him, still with maniacal voice, still jumping) Ooh friend! Friend! (Normal voice) I’m not your fucking friend! Alright?! Alright?!
It was true. Simon was right, he did still have his old friends. (Simon turns to see Neil and Jay imitating having sex with books) And he was welcome to them.
(imitating having sex with books) Books get me girls! Books get me girls!
(also imitating having sex with books) Oh, books! Oh, books!
Blind date books!
Fuck the book with us, Simon!
(voiceover) Hi, I’m Will, and as a special treat, I now get to finish my A-Levels at a state comprehensive.
(about Becky) That one has fucked EVERYONE. I’ve slung one up her a few times, myself.
And who is everyone, exactly? That old man over there, has he had a go on her?
(voiceover) Despite Simon’s best efforts, we made it to Camber Sands alive. We’d arranged to meet Jay at the service station, and though Simon could just about drive a car, getting petrol into it still remained a mystery.
What shall I write?
“Spread ‘em. I’ll be there in half an hour.”
Or, “So lovely to hear from you, it would be a pleasure to meet up.”
“P.S. I’m a poofter.”
Where are all these women, then?
There’s loads. Just look around you.
Where?
Everywhere. What about her? (points to her on a seesaw)
She’s about 12, Jay.
Nah, she’s older than that. Believe me, Christ!
(voiceover) So the big night was finally here. The Caravan Club disco and all its delights of the flesh lay just inside a giant garden shed.
(voiceover) And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I then had to spend a night in a caravan with Jay's dad and his irritable bowel.
Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car?
It’s not really new.
(enquiringly) Did you wet yourself?
No. But I did have a bird back in here.
(alarmed) You fucked a girl in my car?!
No, it’s too small. Did a lot of fingering, though. She wanked me off a few times.
SMr Sethi
(quite a few times in the first scene) Too jazzy?
People don’t get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister.
Take that back.
Actually, I do take it back. Your mum, on the other hand, she’d probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.