Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[voiceover] I knew I'd have to record my findings. [in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1] I began to keep a journal.
[squeals excitedly] The journals! [everyone stares at Dipper] Sorry, sorry, just uh... [clears throat] ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking.
I began to keep a journal. [Dipper squeals again; clears throat] Just going to ignore that…
[voiceover] I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. [Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack] So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack.
[Shows the Murder Hut aka Mystery Shack over the years.]
[voiceover] Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. [Stanley grows up.] The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! [Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.] But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids.
So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.
That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either.
Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him.
Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!
Dogs! Dogs with hats!
Dipper No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: [holding up the boxed game] Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me?
Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play?
Dipper The rules are simple. [opens game book] First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel.
And then we ride unicorns?
Yes. And no. First we make a graph.
Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game!
My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and play!
[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]
Ah! My ears. They're so pointy.
There better be something protective under this tunic... [checks] OH NO, THERE ISN'T!
The Impossibeast?! Hey, I thought they banned this character!
Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition!
Dipper, can I tell you something?
[Dipper nods]
You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, [pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone] I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: [holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it] an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand?
Oh-uh, of course.
In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do.
Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford.
Goodnight, Dipper.
[reading from parchment] Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him, anointing him mayor. [awkward pause] I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.
No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper!
Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?
I got my mouth, don't I?
[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]
And he's insisting on speaking his mind! [Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]
So this is an emergency.
The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure.
[thinking] Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to control someone else. [opens his drawer] Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. [Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie] A long time ago, I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head.
[peers inside the tie] Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically ambiguous!
[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper] As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.
Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! [runs off]
[waves, resumes his research] Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.
Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?
[to Mabel] Jump in! Jump in!
[Turns on the switch]:
[Under Mabel's control] Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! [Snaps his fingers] I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. [Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan] But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears.
YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN!
[on TV] This just in! Stanford Pines loses! [a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]
[watching] WHAT?!
Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record.
Oh boy...
Stan, what did you do?!
What didn't I do?
[reading through papers] Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...?
[shakes fist] That llama knew too much!
Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.
[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]
[blushing] Got it.
[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from] We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking...
[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]
Whew! At least they didn't list any of the bad ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast.
Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
