Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"] I eat kids? But we're kids!
It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! [The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]
Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us?
Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will!
Pacifica! The theme is seafoam green, not lakefoam green! Go change!
But... I kinda like it.
Listen to your mother, Pacifica.
But-
[Preston rings a handbell; Pacifica stops and sighs]
Yes, Father.
You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of Ghost Harassers, on the Used-To-Be-About-History Channel!
[sips a Pitt cola] Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset.
Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?
"My kind"? [Looks at Pacifica] I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain.
I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but-
[Preston rings the bell]
[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]
A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will BURN! [laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]
Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back!
You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise!
Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. [whispering] We'll eat the butler. [Pacifica reaches for the lever] You dare to disobey us? [he rings his bell. Pacifica struggles with herself, then finally defies him] Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken?
Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it!
[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]
Get in, get in.
Yes! YES! It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. [restores the Manor and the guests to normal]
Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you mein phone number?
I don't have a phone! Write it on my face!
Whoa! Go, Grenda.
I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid.
What? I call co-bridesmaid.
[pointing at the portal timer] It's the final countdown! Just like they always sung about!
Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?
Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call?
[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]
Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy.
[via walkie-talkie] "Soos!"
[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker] Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation?
"Soos, pick up!" [Soos picks up walkie-talkie]
Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.
"Listen, I need something from you." [at police station] You know that vending machine in the gift shop? [via walkie-talkie] "I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."
[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]
Time for a repair guy to become a repair man.
[hands out a kids box] Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?
Just put one in my mouth. [employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it] Let's do this.
[drops toxic waste on his foot] HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. [inhales] SON OF A-
[Dipper quickly fast-forwards the tape while Mabel covers her ears]
That's him, alright.
[while Soos is tackling his boss] Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order!
Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids!
Soos, you idiot, let me go!
I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family!
Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!
Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?
He's lying! Shut it down NOW!
Mabel, please!
Ten. Nine.
[Mabel struggles to decide who to listen to]
Grunkle Stan...
Six. Five.
[she lets go of the button switch and floats up]
...I trust you.
MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!
One.
[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams. Everything floats through the white light for several seconds before it disappears and they all come crashing back down. A mysterious figure comes out of the portal, places his six-fingered hand on the journal, and puts it in his jacket pocket]
What...? Who is that?
The author of the journals. [The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan] My brother.
Is this the part where one of us faints?
Oh, I am so on it, dude. [Does so]
Hehehehe, Wait up!
Yeah, you should keep up.
I...I can keep up. [Peeks through some boards] Whoa.
Neato.
Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold.
Uh, ladies first.
[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]
[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]
Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! [Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it] Cool. Splinters.
[Shines flashlight into the cave] Whoa, it's so creepy in here.
[Comes into the cave] Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.
[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]
[Walk off, chanting:] Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!
I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley.
Stanley?
But... your name is Stanford.
Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?
Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?
And what happened between you and your brother?
I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.
Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother!
[Punches him in the face]
Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?
This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings?
Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?
Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago?
What I did? Why, you ungrateful... [Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him] Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. [As Ford slams him to the ground] Ah!
Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?!
Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?
Heh heh. I get that a lot.
They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.
I...have a niece and nephew? [Shakes Mabel's hand] Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.
Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal.
Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.
I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals!
You've read my journals?
I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out.
[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]
[in a commercial] Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? [gets splashed with juice] Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham.
[voiceover] I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania.
[in another commercial] Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes.
[voiceover] It gave you rashes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
