[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."] I'm giving none of this to charity.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack] This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes. Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby!
[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]
Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions.
[Tour group gasps]
I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance.
Mabel [offscreen] Do the kicks.
[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]
Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my HORRIFYIN' VOICE!
[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]
You can run, but I'll still be in your NIGHTMARES!
[still falling in the Bottomless Pit] Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story.
Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?
[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]
MSMystery Shack Customer
Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size?
Never mind the T-shirt! Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!
[leading the customer away] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
[Cut to Stan writing in his office]
D-doing my taxes!
[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink] Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?
Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.
Might wanna tuck that one away, there. [drops the form into a shredder]
[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]
CPCircus Performer on TV
[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles] Do-do-do. Oh no! [Dipper and Mabel laugh]
Sometimes I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death?
[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]
Where... where are we?
[gasps] Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top!
[checks his watch] And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.
Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true.
But that's impossible! No one will believe us. [leans on the pit's sign]
Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.
AAll
Agreed.
[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]
[smiling] He'll be fine.
[During the credits, Stan is falling through the Pit again]
[sighs, long pause] This is stupid.
TDToby Determined
On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool!
Gravity Falls pool?
Today?
Pun intended?
Ah, the pool. Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment.
Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet.
[looking at a towel] Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses?
It's best not to think about it.
[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]
Hey, Mr. Pines.
Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard?
I am the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka. Boosh. [throws more balloons]
[fleeing] AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER!
[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]
Wow, you work here?
I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house.
Yeah, you do! [laughs for a moment, then whispers to himself] I've been laughing for too long.
Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning.
Soos, shhh.
Hola.
Whoa, are you from Australia?
KKid
How long ya in for?
Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent.
K2Kid 2
Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary.
SCSolitary confinement kid
It's the nights that are the hardest.
Hey, I brought you a sandwich. It's kind of wet, but it's still good. I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... [whispers] share your secret, beautiful stranger.
There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair.
The legends you told me in the car were true.
I should've known from your strange foreign fish language.
It is Spanish.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.