I know, let's catch him and sell him to the circus!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[The episode opens with the opera house with a bus in front of it, and then switches to the other side of the bus to show students from P.S. 118 in a group with Mr. Packadam in front of them. Helga steps out of the bus with Phoebe following behind]
Humph! Opera, what a bunch of dorks! La-de-da-froo-froo ladies in wigs singing a lotta 2-dollar words about nothing, doi!
What a waste of a good field trip!
You said a mouthful, pal. Opera's for wimps!
[The students start yelling]
PMr. Packenham
Kids, kids, listen! Feel the music. Here's the big finish! [hums, then sighs when the music stops] And that was Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries". What do you think?
SStudents
Boo!
That really bites!
PMr. Packenham
Stinky, you are entitled to your opinion; but I bet by the time we're finished with this field trip; I'll make an opera lover of you yet! [rewinds on the boom box and presses play] And this is, of course, the song of Pagliacci, the crying clown.
[steps out] Look at me, I'm Pagliacci, the big, sad clown. Boo, hoo, hoo! Ha, ha, ha!
[The students laugh]
PMr. Packenham
[pointing to the poster] And this is what we'll be seeing today. A classic tale of power and faithless love; the opera "Carmen".
Power and faithless love, huh? Ya got my attention.
PMr. Packenham
The story centers around Carmen, the beautiful gypsy, [the students ooh and aah] who flirts with the young Spanish officer, Don José. [the students hoot] Don José is, how you say, charmed by Carmen, and lets her escape arrest for, um, how should I put this, causing harm to another girl.
Maybe this won't be so boring after all, Pheebs.
Oh, not boring at all, Helga. "Carmen" is a great story.
PMr. Packenham
But Carmen forgets all about Don José the minute she sets her gypsy eyes on the torero Escamillo.
[confused] Torero? What's a torero?
You know, a toreador, a bullfighter! [pulls out a handkerchief and holds it in the air; Harold acts like a bull and runs into it; removes it and bows] Ole!
[The students cheer; the lights flicker]
PMr. Packenham
Oh my gosh! Look, the show’s about to start. Everyone have your tickets ready.
[Everyone walks inside, but Helga sneaks behide a pillar)
[sneaks behind the pillar and spies on Arnold, along with Gerald, getting binoculars] Oh, Arnold, flamenco dancer stomping on the stage of my heart! Conquistador of my soul! With that, at this moment, I could know your heart's desire, my love. [Arnold aims his binoculars in the direction of Ruth, who's talking with Connie and Maria] Ruth! [cringes] Ruuuth! If only I can get that football-headed torero to feel that way about me! What am I doing wrong? What? [pushes usher out of the way] One side, moron!
[The students are on the balcony. Helga moves to her seat next to Gerald who is next to Arnold. As soon as Arnold and Gerald eat some caramels, the curtain opens to reveal the actors. Arnold leans closer to the edge, but then soon falls asleep]
[Arnold appears on a stage with the spotlight upon him]
[offscreen] Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!
Huh?
[steps out of the darkness, wearing fancy Rococo clothes] Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! [runs back into darkness]
Hey, Gerald, what are you doing? Where are you going? What's going on? [crying comes from the other side and Harold steps out, dressed as a clown] Harold? [turns around and sees Harold crying] Uh, are you alright?
Look at me, Arnold! Look at me! I'm a...I'm a... [sings] ...big ugly clown, oh! A big, sad ugly clown, oh! [cries and runs away]
[A scene of a small town in Italy appears and all the townspeople laugh at Harold as he runs away. Then all of them look up and gasp as Arnold's clothes change instantly to that of Don José]
Townspeople [gasps] It's Ruth! It's Ruth!
RRuth
[dressed as Carmen, steps out, and slowly walks down the stairs halfway] I'm Ruth McCarmen, and awfully charmin'. [points to Arnold] I guess you've noticed by the way you stare. You're not bad either. [Arnold looks down and sees his new clothes] Let's take a breather, and we can talk about my auburn hair.
TTownspeople
Her auburn hair! You're standing there. Why don't you introduce yourself to Ruth?
She's like a flower blossom.
SSid
I know, she's wicked awesome!
Come on, Arnold, it's the moment of truth! [pushes him to the foot of the stairs]
[pulls up his pants] My name's Don Arnold, [pulls out caramel bag] please have a caramel. [she takes one and flutters her lashes] Your hair is lovely, do you like my pants? [smiles, embarrassed] They're made of satin, [takes off cape] the cape's pure Latin. [a hanger comes down and he hangs it; it goes back up] I had it tailored in the south of France.
[Ruth giggles]
TTownspeople
The south of France, your satin pants. [a cow picks Arnold up] Why don't you ask the lady for a dance?
It's time for your decision.
SSid
It's almost intermission.
Hey, Arnold, you better ask her to dance.
[they reach Ruth] Uhhh... [gets hit with a spitball; instantly wakes up] Hey, cut that out! Who's doing that?
[tucks the sling shot back in her shirt] I had to shut you up somehow. You were snoring louder than the orchestra.
[The students laugh]
Man, how far into it are we?
[looking at his tape] Beats me. I'm looking for something to listen to, until this thing is over. [puts on his headphones]
Second act. Now Carmen will convince Don José to desert from the army and join her band of gypsy smugglers. All goes okay for a while, but then this really handsome guy named Escamillo comes along.
[Helga falls asleep]
We beated Smith Higgins! We beated Smith Higgins!
No electricity? No TV? No popcorn? No deal! I'm out of here.
Hey, if you can't tough it out for 24 hours, than maybe you should leave.
Oh, so you don't think I'm tough enough, is that it, Bio Boy? Well, I'll show you, I can stand be anywhere for 24 hours. Even locked in a controlled environment, with you!
Boy I'm feeling goofy, you know this Arnold guy he's been on my mind morning, noon and night for the past six years. I mean think about it, since I'm currently nine years old that is fully two thirds of my young life, is that crazy or what? Why do I torture myself by keeping it all a big secret why not just tell Arnold? La La La La La. Hey why am I telling you all this, you don't even know the guy. I'll just call that adorable little Football Head right know and tell him myself. [Phone rings, she gets answering machine.] Hello, Arnold, this is Helga, yes, Helga G. Pataki, the girl that worships you, yes, wastes days of passionate thoughts about you, ohh, my angel, sweet love, ohh, how I lo.... [screams]
[Halfway across town] Did you hear something just now?
No.
[Helga is hiding in the air vent directly above the hallway, unknown to the fourth-grade boys.]
Why don't we have the meeting right here in the hallway?
Oh, brother! Why doesn't everyone I know just show up so they all can spend the rest of their lives in this hallway?
Hey, that looks like my ham!
[whimpers] Ham? What ham?
Harold Berman, I can't believe my eyes. You stole my beautiful ham, and now it's ruined!
Aw, I was hungry! I was really, really hungry!
That doesn't give you the right to steal from people! You understand that?
NO! Mommy!
I'm going to have to call his momma.
RGRabbi Goldberg
Harold, I'm disturbed about two things. First of all, you stole. Stealing is against the law; Thou Shalt Not Steal.
But I was hungry, Rabbi Goldberg!
RGRabbi Goldberg
And secondly and most important, you stole a ham. Ham is not Kosher, not Kosher at all. We don't eat ham. We haven't for 5,000 years, and we don't need to start now.
I know, and I'm sorry!
RGRabbi Goldberg
Yes. I know you're sorry, because you did something that got you into trouble. But I don't think you understand why. When I was a young man about your age, I had a friend who admired a vest hanging in a tailor shop. It was a beautiful vest: red velvet with gold buttons. He coveted that vest, Harold, but didn't have the money to buy it. You know what happened? My friend stole the vest, and he was punished. He had to work at the tailor shop, learning how to cut and sew and stitch so he would see just how much work it takes to make a vest. He learned a good lesson. You can too, Harold. I have an idea.
Do you like being a butcher?
Huh? Yeah. I've been doing it for a long time.
What's your favorite kind of meat?
Don't you have sweeping to do?
What's the difference between a rump roast and a butt steak?
Hey, I got work to do! Go sweep outside! Just two more days, and he's out of my hair.
Harold, what in the name of Pete do you think you're doing?!
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Green. You caught me stealing that turkey red-handed, didn't you? Guess you have to punish me now and make me work in your shop again, huh?
Oh, no. You are not fooling me, Harold Berman. I told you I don't want you to work in my shop anymore, and I meant it! Now go on, scram!
Uh, Mr. Green. I brought someone to help you.
Oh, no. No, Harold. I already told you, you're in more trouble than you were. You couldn't possibly be any help.
Uh, Mr. Blue.
It's Green.
Where are my briskets?
I told you, we're out of briskets!
[Harold gets hit by Arnold's ball]
Say something, big boy.
Easy squeezy, lemon peasy.
[Calls to someone off screen] Medic.
Ow! That baseball hit me right in the head!
You got dangerous lumber, kid!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.