[on the news coverage of a salmonella outbreak] The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?
Or how to cook a fucking turkey?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Any news on Sherman?
CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.
I've spoken to the governor, New Hampshire has agreed to hold a special election for the seat before Christmas. But...
Sounds like a big goddamn 'but'!
Oh, yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams 'butt'; Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.
Ah, I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.
We have a list of vetted names here.
Oh, great. Why don't you send them over to me, I'm running low on toilet paper.
Excuse me?
You don't give me names, Beardo, I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up Tubby's dick!
So who's your choice?
You know, I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.
Heard a lot of great things about Ezra!
Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight, after kids will probably still be a seven. Mark my words: he will be president one day. But, Ezra is currently serving in Afghanistan. Plus, for anyone to beat the widow you're gonna have to fight dirty, and I don't shit where I eat.
Well, me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yoghurt on the crapper.
We need a real piece of cannon fodder here. Some spectacular dumbass who's willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation and then fuck off so that Ezra can slide right in.
So, do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?
[enigmatically] There's only one name on it.
JKJeff Kane
Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and...
Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero?
No, I want you to run.
You want me to run his campaign?
No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. [Shocked, Jonah backs up] Joni?
Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!
This is just for one term here, Jonah. You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.
Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three-week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.
Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you.
Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.
Can I talk to you down here just a minute?
[leaning forward] Yeah.
Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. You are my puppet. I let you dance, and when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage! Now, do you or do you not understand me?!
[meekly] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank.
Why not?
'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about.
AIDS, for example.
Thanks, Kent's autism.
From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells that are too busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.
What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls?
I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.
Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.
Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, y'know, her condition...
What? She's a lesbian, Mike, she's not a werewolf. Though either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.
[to Richard] You and I should talk. If you were 10% less black, I could make you president.
How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell; I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours. Underneath this whole honorable, decent, wholesome, boy scout crap of yours, I know exactly who you are.
Oh, you do.
Yes, I do.
Oh, so I don't have to explain that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency on a bunch of half-assed decisions...
What?
...and, by the way, by messing around with that pretty-boy Charlie Baird, for God's sake!
What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this?
I...I don't know, he's got nothing to do with it. What is he...
You're such a liar! You're such a liar! Why did you even join my ticket in the first place?
Because I happen to believe in something called public service.
Oh, bullshit!
Okay, well then, I've got no...
I'll tell you why! Because you wanted to be a step closer to the presidency and to me. You wanted it so bad, you could taste it.
This is unbelievable. Please...
You are lying now just like you lied back then, just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes!
Oh...well, now I got no idea what you're talking about.
You know exactly what I'm talking about. You remembered the green shoes that night, but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me? Come on. Come on! No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.
Well, you got me. I'm gay. So...
Just admit it! Just say the truth for once in your life. Come on, Tom. You wanted to fuck me that night, just say it!
Will you stop it?!
Just say you wanted to fuck my brains out!
Alright, I wanted to fuck your brains out!
There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight!
No, I am fucking you tonight!
No, I'm gonna fuck you!
[After an awkward pause, they passionately kiss]
If you think you're getting those worthless toy boats by now, I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a fucking sweatshirt.
CNCongresswoman Nickerson
Let's cut the shit, Selina.
Oh, here it is.
CNCongresswoman Nickerson
All roads go through Colorado, and the toll just went up.
You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen, cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is going to sink your stupid little boats. Then you're going to look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980's-mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. Then, I will have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.
CNCongresswoman Nickerson
Good God.
Selina; So, can I count on your vote, or do I need to shove up a box of White House M&M's up your stretched up, six-baby-vag?
CNCongresswoman Nickerson
[gulps] You can count on my vote.
I think I want to hear an 'Okey dokey, Annie Oakley'.
CNCongresswoman Nickerson
Okey dokey, Annie Oakley.
Oh, super duper, Trooper. Now get the fuck out of here, congresswoman.
Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside and get some wood to start a fire?
Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.
Well, that's terrifying.
Are the Chinese here yet?
Delayed on the road, ma'am. Presumably driving slowly and not using their signals.
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