And every day, you have to do the one thing that O'Brien can't do.
Yeah, drive sober.
Take a shit without getting a hernia.
Be the president!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
There's only one person who I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room, and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.
I'm just trying to help the President.
And she appreciates that, but the US Attorney for the District of Columbia is prepared to indict you. You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.
Of course.
I've spoken to the president, and she's willing to consider a full pardon, if you surrender quietly. No media. Just don't want to dominate the news cycle.
Can I just say one thing?
Yes, goodbye.
These are from the president's last set of precinct changes for the recount challenge?
Yes, and the changes before that and the changes before that. She's changed her mind more times than a frickin' child molester at Disneyland.
I mean, will you look at Montez? Seriously, I'm more Hispanic than she is. You know? Where's she from, Santo Connecticut?
She summers in Vinyardo Del Martha.
No breakfast for this guy.
Who's offering?
You are looking at a guy on the master cleanse. I feel amazing.
What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.
Little known fact about the Nazis... their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.
The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.
TTracy
Move to rule it an overvote.
Hey, Grimace. What are you... [She looks behind her] No, no, no, not you, the other person in the room who looks exactly like Grimace. That is not an overvote! You need to trust me on this, because I've been doing this since before your mother was throwing herself down the stairs belly-first. You want me to get you some glasses? Maybe I'll call in Mayor McCheese, he can come in here and explain election procedures to you?
Can I really blame another country for something they didn’t do?
It’s been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War.
Actually, ma'am... I'm sorry I'm late... I think I may have found something. The voting data in Nevada is multiple standard deviations outside the means.
Christ, Kent, know your audience.
I think that there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada.
Where?
I do not know.
How many?
I do not know.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
Never heard back from you. Late night?
Sophie told you?
What? No. Gross.
You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.
[laughs] Oh! Oh, this is too good. Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.
Mike (confronting Congressman Furlong): This is my table.
And this is my fat Johnson, and you can suck it, as long as you don't put your dirt, gay mustache on it. What is that, some kind of side effect from your AIDS medication or did you shave it off of Freddie Mercury's corpse?
I hope Mee-Maw's okay.
She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.
It's true.
She's like that guy... that guy...
Lazarus.
Rasputin.
[re: Selina's team failing to stop the recount and win Nevada]
Well, maybe I'll get assassinated.
You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.
The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.
You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.
I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.
Please don't have him sign the guest book.
Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.
Why would China go through Qatar?
Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.
They're into ass play?
No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.
I'll bet they're into ass play, too.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.