I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.
But I am asking you that.
It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight from it.
No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?
So guess what? I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning! I need you! [pause] Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ: if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.
You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
[looking around] I never said that.
Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.
No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn’t telling you what I told you. [points to Dan] The fuck stops here, Dan.
We have to schedule calls for the UK Prime Minister, for China, and for the Vatican.
It's like a Google Maps of ass-kissing.
Dan! What the fuck is this?
What are you talking about?
You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.
I publicly denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.
There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.
The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?
No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.
D Dab
Oh wow, that is tough.
I want a new deal. I want to get closer to the action. I'm like a boom-op on a porno shoot right now!
I'm sorry, man, but I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the President. Security risk.
I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct? [All agree] Any fuck-up from now on is not just a fuck-up, it's my legacy. Got it?! No fuck-ups!
Can we say that it was just an error?
No, ma'am, the entire world would notice that.
Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fuckin' Lincoln Memorial. [into phone] Yes, I am still here.
Ma'am? Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.
No, stat. He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.
Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.
What kind of idiot do you think I am?
I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.
Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?
Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.
No. That, that's impossible.
Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a go-fer, a servant.
Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.
[looking at phone] Shit! I gotta go.
You know what? They should be called Dans.
[re: Airforce One]
Isn't this plane amazing?
Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?
Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?
It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the President. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?
It's good we won Dixville Notch.
It's got a population of 12, Mike.
I know, Dan, but it's famous.
Our Lord Jesus started with 12.
Well, he didn't win New Hampshire, either.
Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.
I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.
The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.
Kent majored in fortune cookies.
Alright, so we'll "cock-thumb" the joint chiefs. What do you think they're gonna offer?
I don't know, two, three billion? You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield?
Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay? Get about ten bucks for that.
I do not like to swear guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.
The "shit" is gonna to hit the "fuck"?
No, F is for "fan", Mike, not "fuck". Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.
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