I've read the speech, so my friends here—oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military–industrial complex. Military–industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.
Is this about the submarine jobs?
Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen!
Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?
It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!
The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!
And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!
You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!
Hey, Dobby the House Elf, we've had enough. Just get out.
Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!
Catherine, America doesn’t like you.
That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.
[grabbing Kent's pages of polling statistics] Let me see that!
It's not that you're unlikeable, it's just that there's a perception...that you are unlikable.
I wouldn't say "hate", you just...polarize opinion, with the bulk of it gravitating to this poll here. [indicates on the page]
This is like high school all over again!
Yeah, kind of, but much bigger!
What is Gary doing? Trying to max out America?
Wow. Who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?
PPatty
Okay, I will not hear a single bad word said about my friend Gary, but yeah! Yeah, he is out of control!
Did you see the cost of the dinner?
This'll sting us. Make us look decadent and remote.
Said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.
Who do you think you are? Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you First Lady, because I don't remember marrying you, Gary! I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls! I think I'd remember that!
Ma'am, I'm really sorry for the painting, and I'm really sorry for the spending, but you have to understand—
Oh, shut up! Just shut up! You are unimportant! And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield!
You think you're some sort of a big shot here? Oh, my God, you are not a big shot here, Gary! You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers! God!
When's Catherine's birthday?
Which senator's daughter's in rehab?
You're out of line, missy!
Geldray. What are you wearing tomorrow?
I do, I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball!
I have broken my body for you!
I've let myself be laughed at, I've let myself be humiliated, but I'm happy to do it! Most times, you don't even know that I exist, BUT I AM FUCKING EVERYTHING TO YOU!
Oh, I am so happy to find somebody else to get me my hand cream!
Can you find somebody else who did what I did?!
[Long pause]
Yeah you did, you ju— you just said "Labor Day".
I said I would never mention that ever.
The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.
Alright, well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.
Fuck! You know, I preferred when the Internet was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid! Did we definitely out this girl?
Only her doctor and her principal knew, now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS."
Oh, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library!
Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records, and why didn't we ask her parent's permission?
Oh thank you, Question Man! You've just saved the entire city! Or did you?
This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.
What's our line here? Do we tell the president?
No! She's gonna panic! We gotta find out more facts, aright? Bozos, disassemble!
I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.
[beat]
No. No, this is not—this is not real.
No, you're right Dan, it's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.
So am I fired? Please Ben, don't say that I'm fired.
...because you've just resigned.
It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First Bill, and handsome. Therefore, guilty looking.
No, no. No! I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data!
You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs!!
[beat]
I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.
Being the First Daughter is a big responsibility.
But I'm happy to serve my country, and to help out my mom.
Oh, no, honey. You've got to say it like you mean it, though, darling. It's so easy. It's like, "I love you, Mom."
Karen, what do you think of Pierce?
KKaren
Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate, so we just need to weigh out the pros and cons.
Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working! "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits, and I don't know my left buttcheek from my right buttcheek, but I believe in listening to both buttcheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth!" That's not even bullshit! Bullshitting takes talent; you have none! You are just a blah-blah-blah-blah bitch!
Okay, Amy, that is enough.
I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion. But no more! You have made it impossible to do this job. You have two settings—no decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America. You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery! I've had enough. I'm gone.
[as Amy walks to the door] Well, I guess she's finished with her little... [Amy walks back to her] Oh, nope, look at that, there's more.
You have achieved nothing apart from one thing. The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked. Goodbye, ma'am.
