Let's check out your chart. Let's see how you're doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings—that makes sense. Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth. Chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding. Uh... tiny child balls?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.
Well hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation; actual and general air of.
Yeah, I want their heads on my wall. Actual heads.
God, I love this kind of talk; gets me aroused. [beat] Sorry, I meant "roused". [beat] No, did I mean—I meant "aroused"! Aroused.
I know it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what she would have wanted—does want.
Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.
Ben, you're Owen Pierce.
Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.
Don't do the voice, though.
I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?
Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.
JJackson
They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.
[awkward pause]
What? Oh, my God...
JJackson
Well, maybe—I dunno if it's gonna be Baywatch. There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could...
You know, son, you should only talk when someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say "tickle me".
She's coming... she's coming...
I think Gary's about to come.
[to Catherine, regarding Selina's new haircut] Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy.
What do you think of the new cut, huh? Do you like it?
Of course I don't fucking like it! It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy!
The elven look is in right now, I was reading about it.
People don't elect elves, okay. They put them to work in grottos or get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.
That's dwarves.
If Thornhill strayed once, there may be others. Maybe a crack whore if we're lucky.
Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?
You're naive. Welcome to politics.
Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other. Fuck Broadway, this is real acting.
CChung
Today, we're here to talk about records. And my record clearly shows that, unlike some of us, I have been tested.
Here comes the burning tank story, where he saves the one guy, and the rest of us get fucking tortured.
MModerator
Governor Chung, we live in a time when young people find in increasingly hard to find work. How would you address this issue?
Ten bucks he says, "bring back the draft."
If there is any dirty trick I cannot stand, it is honesty.
I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone.
[Selina's eye continues to twitch visibly on camera]
Jesus, that is a wicked twitch!
I can't watch this.
Neither can she 'cause her fucking eyes don't work!
I think I've endorsed a Nazi!
It'd explain the Hitler haircut!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.