Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[after a secret service agent laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.
Inappropriate.
That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
I'll see to it.
Yeah.
So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?
What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.
[to the waiter] Where is the bread in this place, asshole? [to Dan] And you, you upstate New York dickshit-
Watch it.
Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.
I don't have any children. I have a niece and I fucking hate her.
How charming. I need to be getting home, so...
You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a fucking disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.
"Viagra Prohibitor"? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?
No. It means that even if a guy uses it...
...It doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.
God, no.
You said you had thick skin.
Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?
No, Gary.
That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.
Fuck.
Okay.
You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.
Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.
Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Who's gonna go first?
Ladies first.
So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.
Sure. This is class genocide.
This is this um, huh?
This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.
Okay.
Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.
Wow.
Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?
Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...
My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...
All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.
Dan? Did your boyfriend know anything about this?
I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence!
That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo!
I thought—
No, no! Let me be more clear: it doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS! Get out of my office.
Which way are you gonna vote?
The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.
Okay.
Which way do you think that should be?
You okay? You seem to be phoning it in a little.
You know what, Amy? I'm the Veep I never wanted to be. I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.
You should really just go and—
Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.
Selina might be pregnant. What do we wanna do?
Is this for real? 'Cause if it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.
[seeing a pregnancy test Amy is buying for Selina] Holy sh— Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.
Thanks for the support.
So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave. I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.
That is literally your first thought?
No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.
Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him Fuck Weasel.
Wait a second. So— Ma'am— So you're the one who's pregnant?
I might be pregnant.
So we're looking at a wedding.
Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.
So what do you think is she really pregnant?
How should I know?
You're a woman.
You think as a woman I might sense some disturbance in, fucking what, the lady matrix?
You know, I saw a guitar in there. You play the guitar, right?
Not in this situation!
Yes! Yes!
No, my guitar is for seduction, not crowd control. Granted, on a good night that's one and the same, but still.
No, we're finding the guitar. That's what we're doing.
Mike, this is not a story. Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned. That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen? It's the secret service, for Christ's sake. Secret as in shut the fuck up. And service as in you work for me, okay? So why don't you shut the fuck up? We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk.
Selina's had a miscarriage.
Well, this is good for us.
Nicely done, Dandroid.
How is she?
Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.
That's deep space cold, Dan.
Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.
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