It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant "ethically reprehensible."
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything! People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry.
[Larry emerges from a tent around his desk]
Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home?
The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail.
April Ludgate, professional drinker.
WWoman
Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate?
The Wine...Academy.
WWoman
The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!?
Yes!
WWoman
Carol. Make sure she's in Group A.
Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and this is my debit rewards card!
I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the candy isles but won't get any.
You can buy two candies.
TWO!? [runs off]
PPharmacist
Can I help you?
I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff.
[Craig and April are describing wines for a panel]
Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!
I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.
It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night sky is full of stars!
This comes from...your mother's butt.
CMChip McCapp
Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!? And stack em for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid!
CSChip's Dad/Manager
You got it Chip!
CMChip McCapp
Ugh my dad is such an idiot.
ALAndy & Leslie
...
CSChip's Dad/Manager
Here you go Chip.
CMChip McCapp
Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey! You dick! I want ham!
CSChip's Dad/Manager
Sorry son they were out of ham.
CMChip McCapp
Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then?
[throws plate at his Dad]
CMChip McCapp
Pick em up skip.
[whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that!
[whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him.
CMChip McCapp
Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!
CSChip's Dad/Manager
Anticipating Chip!
OOfficial
Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of a Sommelier Certificate.
Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so much everyone! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid.
OOfficial
Security!
[security begins to escort April out]
I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh Pluto Nash. All the Klumps...
EREagleton Ron
Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine evening?
Motherfucker!
Whoa where'd you come from?
EREagleton Ron
Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.
...What?
EREagleton Ron
Hello Ron.
Ron, you know this hobo?
EREagleton Ron
He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.
Dude, are you a ghost?
EREagleton Ron
Am I?
...What is happening right now!?!
You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms! ...That makes us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go Andy!
Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.
I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!
How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?
Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine.
[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig]
Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?
Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red.
You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with your fish.
No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.
I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around please.
...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out]
Seems to be keeping it together
[from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!
[Craig comes back with the wine]
For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white.
Thanks very much!
Enjoy. [walks out]
I think I might have found my new sommelier.
[from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!
I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof.
So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.
I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.
That's great April! How'd you do that!?
It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.
We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The Stream with a Sacagawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, microphones, water, that boring stuff too.
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