I am not good at keeping secrets! That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.
KKyle
ANDY! COME ON!
Ah! See!
KKyle
Not cool man!
Not him! Not that Kyle!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
You wanted to see me?
Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor.
WHAT!? Ron Swanson asking for help!?
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!
[Leslie is getting an ultrasound]
Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's your healthy baby!
Oh wow.
Oh! And there's another one!
The baby has two bodies?
Twins! Ben we're having twins!
No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here.
...Triplets!? Triplets!?
And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare!
Triplets...
Triplets...
I can't believe it! We knocked it out of the park on the first try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court!
This is insane.
This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we got the proof!
Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale."
[to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to RELAX?!
[Leslie enters]
Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?
Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love you.
[Leslie exits]
[to the camera] We are so fucking screwed.
Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying.
Lie.
Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has.
...
Leslie is dying-
No.
They're both dying.
No!
I'm dying.
...
Chris and Ann are moving.
They already moved.
They are moving again to China...town in France.
No!
Okay! Fine do you really wanna know?
Yes!
Leslie. Is. A spy.
No.
Tom has something wrong with his butt.
Oh my God.
Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who just hit triple cherries in her uterus.
We're screwed.
Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars!
Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time.
Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you.
It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to keep my word.
[April shrugs]
But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready?
Okay!
[Leslie & Ben walk in]
Everybody if you could gather around!
[pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!
You're ready?
Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.
JJamm
Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted.
Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact with you again.
JJamm
I missed you too.
Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel vision about achieving my goals.
[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee]
Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los Angeles not a wine.
Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing?
No because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
WHAT!?
Round of drinks for everyone on the house!
Yeah! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. And a spaghetti to go. On the house!
[Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham...
Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.