Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[At a public forum]
I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses lightly.
No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in ten years...
...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months?
Well we have lots of other problems.
Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab a slice of Za bro!
Okay.
Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!?
Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown.
Dude! So did I! In college!
Whoa! You guys should get married!
Let's do it to it ma dudes!
I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's vaginas.
We're not taxing anyone's genitals.
Well what the hell are we doing here!?
Hey.
Hey you look weird.
So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful.
Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!
...What?
Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind.
[on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes.
[grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up]
What is your problem?!
My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that?
Yes.
Do it!
Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.
Ha. ...And I finished that last week.
The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT.
Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia.
Woo!
Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs.
Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause they're close to death.
Also seniors can be pretty ornery.
Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny."
I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president!
With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more concerned with disease.
[in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
I don't think so no.
Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?
Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
[in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
[in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!
[to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 to ride this train!
Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]
If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?
[sarcastically] Yes that's what I want.
So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan!
There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time!
I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
