Thank you all for being here. Let's get started.
Wow! Great attitude Ron.
Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in her?
No one respond. No one say anything.
Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.
Silence.
...I don't think she does-
Would she like some!?
I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz.
[reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound.
Aww cool cryptex! Can I have it!?
Hey! No, no you can't!
Where'd you get it!?
How do you know what a cryptex is?
I know what things are.
Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third date.
Have you tried 'Fuck!?'
...That's a four letter word.
Oh. Add an 'S'?
I really don't think it's that.
I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.
[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office]
So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open.
...Did you try 'Fucks?'
Ha!
Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?!
Just smart people.
I think I might be able to help you.
Told ya!
[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex]
[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man]
Leslie! I found a date for Ann!
Jerry! Well done!
I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual Fun." Enrico here responded right away!
EEnrico
I'll meet you inside okay?
Okay! Thanks dude.
You hired a male escort.
A what?
Please get your gigolo out of here.
[realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God...
How are you?
Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance. Can't imagine a more depressing place to be!
How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to 'Single Ladies' by yourself?
Oh my God did that happen to you?
Maybe! Let's get a drink!
Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.
It is.
Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you rebound!?
Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry]
Stop staring at Jerry like that!
TTrumple
Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department.
Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say.
TTrumple
How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives?
I-I...sometimes I say that, too.
I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna make a decision...
TTrumple
The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an answer. Weirdo can come, too.
Alright.
Let's go.
Oh hey, uh, may I say...
Don't.
...that the boys in blue...
Stop.
...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it comes........9/11.
And we're walking.
OK.
Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement at that time.
We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.
Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
"Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."
It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.
Do I look like I drink water?
It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other implications as well. So those are a maybe.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.