Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often. If you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact. But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
[Leslie is chatting with some local business owners]
Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private citizen I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments.
TTanya
Hmmm I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.
Cause I don't hate myself Tanya.
[Tanya looks insulted]
I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote but I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I have a lot of support in the community for that.
[The other business owners smile and nod approvingly]
Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, I think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad.
Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor!
I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're all good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech?
I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs and sit on your own face!?
[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house]
LSLowe's Employee
Hi there! Is there a project you're working on?
I know more than you.
LSLowe's Employee
...Alright.
[giving a speech] Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy and what has kept our town alive is you, the small business man. And I'm not referring to your stature Gary, you are a giant in this community. So many businesses represented here today; Food N Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount Cemetery, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fired Dough Stand & Mobile Phone Emporium. Who else? [quietly] Sue's Salads... [someone in the background boos] Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes, Jeff's Savings & Loan...
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink]
Oh my God! We made it work!
It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I just love it so much.
We need to deal with what's bothering you.
[sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room.
See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature.
[starts beating up Ben]
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink]
I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench.
Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a triple three bolt smack.
That was nonsense.
I know but it's so fun to talk like that!
You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it.
[touched] Thanks Ron.
Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person.
Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.
What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] business.
I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland?
The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so.
OK, how about Japan?
The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany? They've never been the bad guys.
It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie!
The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
...Good Lord.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.