[April puts on a Snakehole shirt and pretends to be a waitress]
Hey. Uh six beers for uh table twelve.
BBartender
Do you work here?
Yeah. My dad owns this pace. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and give to ourselves.
Yeah so here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with her she just didn't realize it. It's kind of understandable...although it does kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is.
One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.
Ann Who's Rebecca?
Exactly.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?
I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!
[Everyone freaks out with excitement]
Well done Leslie! Well done!
[Cut to leslie being interviewed]
Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!
[Cut back to the office]
So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?
He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.
Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?
Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.
We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is 25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's going to look after him.
Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?
Isn't it amazing!
Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.
EEveryone
...
Get out!
KHKen Hotate
There are two things I know about white people. They love Rachael Ray. And they are terrified of curses.
Hey what ever happened to you and the bionic man?
Chris? He broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it.
I've done that to multiple men. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?
Thank you so much for asking! It's been tough. Yeah. Two days ago I was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. Been looking at some dog adoption websites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. Did this [shows her dyed red streak] to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out kind of stuff.
Yeah...Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm going to recommend you bottle that noise up.
...That's what my mailman said.
Hey, I love you.
Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce!
BDBeefy Dude
I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.
You're not sick.
BDBeefy Dude
Maybe you should check out my abs.
Are you experiencing abdominal pain?
BDBeefy Dude
Every day at the gym [shows off abs] Feel.
Eww. [feels his abs and is impressed] Oh.
BDBeefy Dude
What are you doing tonight?
I think I'm gonna have to pass.
BDBeefy Dude
Your loss.
[Ann walks over by Donna]
Are you gonna hit that?
Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.
Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him. Abuse him. Lose him.
[referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, they're probably dead.
Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.
For the last time--
Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?
Ron, can you tell Andy--
Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?
[to April] I do love you, you know.
You do?
Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.
BDBeefy Dude
It's been really awesome talking to you. Most carnival nurses are total grenades.
Okay, you're all set. You are free to go...or you could stay here and make out with me until the lights come back on.
BDBeefy Dude
Hell yeah!
Beat it Donna.
[Donna smiles and walks out]
I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.
I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it would inspire me.
[reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." That sounds nice.
It was.
Hey gang!
Hey, what did you bring?
I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake?
No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!
Take a walk, Ron.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.