[on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy. Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck.
Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and Tom Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.
Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.
CICrazy Ira
You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche?
DThe Douche
Oh, that's right - to your mom!
[China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean your room!"]
"You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf.
I couldn't care less about the commendation but Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, The best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there.
[starts going through the album]
June 2004. Porterhouse, medium-rare, Bearnaise sauce.
January 2000. They call this one "The Enforcer."
February '96. The steak: Rib-Eye. The whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me: a bitch. Specifically my ex-wife Tammy.
Okay. This is, the first time I ever went there. Oh look at me! I'm just a kid!
Well, that's not totally true. The owner of the motel I'm staying at said she was gonna screen Hope Floats in the lobby. Asked me if I wanted to watch.
They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse...I should've been here. What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? [tearing up] ...Do you think they got eaten?
