Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.
What?
Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Ann sees Donna at the same dating event she's at]
Donna! Oh my God, I am so excited to see you here! These things are horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna tries to ignore her] ...What?
Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are no friends here! It's every woman for herself.
...You're joking right?
Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero sum game. If you get a man, I don't get that man.
I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous in my life.
Here's some more advice. Beat it!
Who's to say what works. You know, you find somebody you like and you roll the dice. It's all anybody can do.
Hi, I'm Ann.
RRyan
Ryan.
What's your occupation?
RRyan
I'm a manager at a sporting goods store.
No way me too!
RRyan
Seriously!? Which one?
No, I'm not. I was just ribbing you.
RRyan
...What are you drinking?
Hahahaha yeah...
RRyan
What?
Oh I don't know. I couldn't hear you.
RRyan
So you just laughed and said "yeah?"
Yeah...
[Donna cuts in]
Excuse us... [To Ann] That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?
I told you, I'm Rusty!
I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio.
Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?
Sure.
OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
Swingers or Crashers?
Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.
NNatalie
[Wedding toast for April and Andy] My sister's really lame. But Andy's pretty cool. I guess I kinda see why he would marry her. Also, if anyone has seen my grey hoodie I lost it, thanks.
[Walks off stage]
[Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe.
That went better, right!?
Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes...
[Donna grimaces]
I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting married.
So?
So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long time.
[Sarcastically] Alright...
What!?
"What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor.
I'm a nurse actually...
Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself?
...Alright.
The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy.
Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes.
What? Oh boy.
[Leslie walks up to Sewage Joe]
Hi Joe.
What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? Van's out back, let's roll.
Where is this coming from!?
I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's driving me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.
Great. Okay.
[Leslie turns around to leave]
Liking the view.
[Leslie looks creeped out then walks away]
Still got it Joe.
No you don't!
You ever tried a turkey burger?
Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then yes. Delicious.
[Ann is helping Leslie with her online dating profile]
Yellow haired female likes waffles and news.
[typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.
Much better.
Hobbies?
Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming on my planner!
Favorite place?
Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.
...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon...
Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.
What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are?
Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural!
Okay what do you think of dogs?
Love!
Cats?
Love!
Fish?
Love!
Turtles?
...No opinion.
...
They're condescending.
Describe your ideal man.
He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ.
I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.
Mmmmm.
[on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I help you?
Craig your service is crap!
Can you be more specific?
Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.
We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands of couples. I actually met my wife on the site.
Really? Well that's not gonna last.
Excuse me?
You heard me! Your marriage is a sham! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up]
Hi Joe. I know you're going to take this the wrong way but can I talk to you for a second?
You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.
Hmmm.
Would you like to talk outside in my van?
No here's fine. I was...flattered by what you said earlier. And I was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?
She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair.
So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an old person.
Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.
Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?
Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?
Skittle Sandwich?
...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.
'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.